Ty watched her; that was all there was to do. She was scared, and as a result, it was scaring him. Ty was only ever really horrified these days when he didn't know if Tses would be okay or where she was. And now...she was with him, but...he knew she wasn't okay. And there was nothing he could do about it.

She's like this because of me...it's all my fault. We may never be normal as a couple, and it's my fault. Every happy moment is overshadowed by a bad one, and this is all on me...

Ty felt tears stinging his eyes as he made his way over to her. Meekly, he started massaging his shoulders, though he knew it was likely to be a futile effort. "I did this to you...it's all my fault..." he croaked.

Slowly, Tses started to calm. Her shaking stilled and she lifted her head, looking at Ty through red eyes. She hated seeing him sad, and she hated making him that way. But she didn't know how to deal with everything she was going through. "It's not your fault..." She said quietly, and reached out, catching his hand. She squeezed it far too tightly, but quickly let up, drained of energy. The food from early wasn't quite enough for her drained body to be fueled by. From outside the window, the sounds of the city trickled in. It was a familiar hum, and a strange but familiar lullaby to her street raised mind. She took a deep breathe, trying to steady herself, and sad back, leaning against the wall.

"I was always claustrophobic... Even Jacob pointed it out... I hate seatbelts, I hate feeling caged, and then....I just... I don't know how to deal with it." She shook again slightly, and took a shaky breath. "I've never been afraid like this. I've never felt like something could beat me... but now... I don't feel strong anymore... I feel like I'm falling and there is no way to stop myself, or catch myself...." Somehow, talking about it made her feel a little better. But she didn't know if it was making him feel worse.

Ty sat next to her, putting his arm around her, still sobbing and feeling like it was all his fault. His hand caught hers and held tight.

"But...I left you. If I had been here for you instead of hiding like a little coward, I could have prevented it, or at least gotten to you sooner. I feel like even though I killed him...even though he's dead...he still won." He lay his head on her shoulder, the arm around her toying with her hair.

"But...the thing about falling...you can't catch yourself. Not when you're falling from high up. But I'm here to catch you. I'm here to help in every way I can. I've let you down, I know, but that doesn't mean I don't love you." He nuzzled into her neck

I left you

Tses cringed as the words came from his mouth. It stung more than anything else he said, and her heart thundered in her throat. She kept trying to tell herself that wasn't what happened, but he admitted it, and it hurt. Maybe he was right in a way, maybe they lost in the long run, and here they were left with the broken pieces of a shallow victory. She was already terrified of relationships and already trying to learn how to love and care and let people close. Now, she was more fearful than ever.

Something soft brushed her leg, and she looked down, picking up one of the little feathers with her free hand. Everything was so bittersweet. The feathers were strewn like little glimmers of white in a world of red in her mind, slowly getting stained by her pain, dipped in the blood of sorrow. Every happy moment was lost so fast.

But in the end, those were what she clung to.

Tses felt herself shift and hugged him, then sit back, looking at him. She still looked fearful, but she was calmer and lucid now. She ran her hand across his face, and gave a soft smile. Coupled with her tear stained face, it was hard to look happy, but she looked more at peace if nothing else. "I love you too.... and we'll make it through this together... Sometimes I may... I may be doing better than others. But knowing you'll be there means a lot." She whispered.

Ty found himself hugging her back, and he smiled softly at how she looked peaceful. At least he was making her feel better now. He leaned against her a little, not knowing what to say. He just kept his right arm around her, his left hand drawing little pictures in the feathers.

"I'll be here from now on. I'll never leave you alone again. We can still do this, I know it," he whispered, looking down at the pile of feathers he was playing in. He'd drawn a heart in the white fluff, without really meaning to. But it was cute, and made him smile more.

Tses stared at her knees while he talked, and traces the scars on her skin, almost the same way Ty was drawing in the feathers. Her legs had so many little marks, they looked like this apartment, littered with feathers. While the feathers were cute, her scars weren't, at least to her. She felt awkward in the outfit she was in now, but at the same time, she liked how it felt just being her around Ty. She wasn't hiding under a hundred layers of clothing. She was just real. She glanced at the little shape he drew in the feathers, and a smile replaces the frown she had.

"Sometimes you make me want to throw up hearts and rainbows, you know that?" She remarked, and poked him in the side sticking out her tongue. He was so....cute. He really was the puppy she never wanted, and she felt like the ASPCA was breathing down her neck making sure she wasn't mistreating him. She always felt like the worst person for him to end up with, because she was socially handicapped and emotionally deformed. It was like she was born without the proper feelings and ability to share them. It was a foreign language. She was picking up little things like holding hands and slowly kissing, but would they forever be trapped by her inability to feel?

"It's not necessarily bad though. Your cute moments make up for my....lack of moments." She said and sheepishly smiled. "I thought girls were supposed to be the emotional ones and stuff like that. Are we broken?"

"Sounds to me like you shouldn't eat so many Lucky ChARMS!" he joked, squealing and falling over as she poked his side. When he hit the ground, feathers flew everywhere with a whoosh, and he had to laugh as they rained down on him.

He looked up at her. "Nah, we ain't broken, just backwards," he replied with a soft chuckle. "No relationship is perfect, Tses," he said, staying where he was. "You just play the hand you're dealt. And I'd say we have the determination to play this out." He gave a nod, sitting up and brushing off the feathers.

Tses smirked slightly watching the feathers flutter above him, and flicked a few stragglers away from her as they tried to make their way to her hair. All the static was making them cling to different surfaces now, including clothing and skin. She felt like her home would soon be overtaken by the tiny little objects; it was like an invasion of feathery fluff. "I think that sentence would be more amusing if I knew what lucky charms were..." She remarked, and toed some of the feathers away with her bare foot. "I'm going to assume it has something to do with rainbows though."

AS he sat up, she smirked slightly, and noticed the slight Ty shaped space behind him where the feathers were pushed aside. She chuckled slightly, and nodded to it. "I used to see kids make things like that in the snow as a kid. They'd moved there arms though and try to make a shape with it." She always wondered what they were doing, but never had anyone to ask. she secretly hoped he knew the answer though so it could take away some of her confusion. She blushed slightly about the comments on their relationship, but didn't comment on it, just pushing the feathers around more. It was the same conversation they always landed in, and only time would change the answers they came up with.

"Lucky Charms is cereal. It's got this nasty, cardboard tasting crap, but it has marshmallows in it, like horseshoe shapes, clovers, hearts and rainbows, and other stuff. Me, I usually always pick out the marshmallows and drink the milk," he replied, flashing a goofy grin her way.

"Oh! Snow angels~" Ty said with a small smile. "I never made one of those, personally, but the way they'd move their arms and legs made it look like the wings and the robe of an angel." Absently, he put a hand just above her knee, leaning against her.

"I was more into snowball fights, personally," he replied, sending her a mischievous grin.

Tses felt like she distantly remembered seeing something like what he was talking about, but she had never tasted it, so she couldn't really relate. But all the colorful marshmallows sounded nice. At least, she thought they did. "I've had marshmallows, I can say that much. Although I think just having a bowl full of marshmallows and milk would be a lot better than trying to eat whatever cardboard crap you're talking about. I'm going to try marshmallows and milk next time I go shopping now..." She remarked absentmindedly, and smiled back at him. The flicker of happiness crossing her face didn't last long, but it was a start.

As he described the snow angels, she felt like she understood, but it was hard to visualize. She didn't really think the little arches the arms and legs made in the snow looked like wings OR robes, but that was probably like how some people saw shapes in the stars. She just saw light, just like the moon. She saw something to use, not something to admire. Frankly, she had never been one to enjoy art either, so that wasn't quite so surprising.

"I've never had a snowball fight... is it fun?" Tses asked, honestly curious. She had spent so much time in the snow, but she never really had fun in it. But her time with Ty was changing that. She was learning to have fun, in baby steps, and she was enjoying it for the most part. As long as she still had enough money to live off of a little fun didn't seem that bad. Plus, they seemed to enjoy the same things, so if he liked it, she thought she probably would.

"Lucky Charms marshmallows are worth the cardboard crap. Plain marshmallows just aren't the same." He smiled as she mentioned snowball fights.

"Yeah...all you do is scoop up snow," he demonstrated with feathers, balling them up. "Make a ball out of it, and then pick a target and throw it." He didnt' throw the ball at her, just the door, but the feathers came apart in mid-air before they got there.

"Only it doesn't fall apart. It's really fun, especially when you have alot of people involved."

Tses made a face as her marshmallow cereal dream was denied, but figured she would have to taste the cereal first before she wasted her time complaining. They could be just as delicious as he said, and she just would have to wait and judge that herself. While she sat, she watched him ball up the feathers and toss them at the door and they came apart making their own little 'snow' through the air. Part of her wondered how long they would leave the apartment like this. There was something fun about having all the feathers around. Even if they made her nose tickle a little.

Every time he moved and his skin brushed hers, it sent an unfamiliar tingle down her spine. Her arms felt both cold and warm at the same time, and she didn't know what to do about it. She was fighting two different emotions happening in the pit of her stomach, and they twisted and turned into a tangled mess. She wanted to enjoy the moment, and she wanted to run from it. She felt like a broken record, skipping at the same places, the same scars. There was so much to loose, so much to gain. Even in a room full of feathers that looked like it was covered in the first winters snow, she was nervous. She was tired of being nervous all the time.

"It sounds fun" She said with a little smile, and crossed her arms across her knees, smiling at him. "Someday you'll have to show me how to make a snowball. Well, not now though. I'm fairly resistant to cold, but this is pretty underdressed for me." She glanced down at her bare knees and poked one of the larger scars. "I'm so white though it may function as camouflage out there."

Ty could tell she was uncomfortable, but he could tell she was trying. "I like this look on you though," he answered with a small smile. "I'm not exactly dark myself. Besides, I'm having too much fun in here. But next time we're out in the snow, I'll show you. I'm alot better aim with a snowball than a ball of feathers or an explosive." he winked.

He kept his hand on her knee for a second, trailing it down her leg then pulling away. "But, if you wanted to go get comfortable, I won't argue with you. You just gotta promise you'll undress for me more." He blushed deeply, almost purple.

"I mean....dress like this more....." He fidgeted a little, unable to believe he slipped up like that.

Tses chuckled at him, and smirked at his comment about throwing snowballs verses feathers. In her head had the image of him trying to throw feathers off the roof at people passing by below. At least he couldn't damage anything with those. "Well your aim has to be good with something right? At least you don't miss when you kiss." She stuck her tongue out at him, and pushed her hair out of her face. She felt a little braver with her comments, and wondered at how comfortable they were now. The first time he kissed her, she threw nearly every utensil at his head in irritation. Now she found herself almost hoping he'd be brave. Then again, every time he was he caught her off guard, and left her dazed like someone sunblinded after coming out of a dark room.

Her thoughts were lost as a chill ran up her spin as his hand moved on her knee, and she felt that internal battle jerk from one direction to another as butterflies swirled in her stomach. She wanted to move away from him and run as fast as possible in another direction. But it almost made her insides warm, and she felt a calming rush fill the darker corners of her mind. As he talked, she tried to get herself to focus again, but her mind clicked into the conversation at the wrong point. Color flooded her face and she twitched backwards slightly, uncertain who was more horrified: him or her.

"Well, I can see where your mind is!" She snapped, turning her legs away from him and hugging them to her chest. She glowered at him for a moment, but the color left faster than it usually did. There was something different about her reaction compared to how she usually acted when she was angry. Her outright anger tended to lash out towards him, usually with a swat or something thrown. This... this reaction was more of a recoil. Because his comment stung in the pit of her insecure heart. Her skin was something she was ashamed of, her scars a secret plague on her self esteem. His comment was so ridiculous, because in her mind, she saw no reason for her to be viewed that way. She didn't see anything pretty when she looked in the mirror. She just saw a plain face, dark eyes, and the towering walls she placed between herself and the people around her.

"I gotta get my arm bands. My arms are driving me crazy." She blurted out and got up, moving over to the dresser. Inwardly, she was praying he wouldn't follow, because tears were stinging her eyes. Yanking the top drawer open she pulled out black strips of cloth and started wrapping up her right arm. Each wrap she tugged a little tighter, trying to bury the scars under the black strips of fabric. Around and around, she tugged the fabric, latching onto the insecurity without any way of breaking away from it.

Ty smiled a little, winking at her. "True."

He bit his lip, fidgeting even more. "A man can dream can't I?" he squeaked before attempting to sink back into the wall. Sure, it was another slip up, but hey, a man couldn't look at his girlfriend in that light every once in awhile? "I mean, it's only natural, right?"

Ty waited for her to come back, fidgeting more and more as the color finally left his cheeks. Taking a breath, he spoke again. "I'm sorry. I slipped up. I didn't mean to say those things. My mind got ahead of my mouth is all," he said softly. "But I have a question. Just one, then we can drop this. Can you honestly say you've never thought of me like that? Honestly." The redhead began doodling in the feathers again awkwardly, eyes glancing around the room and bracing himself for something to be thrown.