Hugh had been celebrating. Tis the season for it, right? After successfully tracking down a mutant trafficker that was operating out of New York harbor, the agent found himself and his team in need of refreshments. The Double Rhinoceros seemed as good a place as any. One of his squadmates, Sheryl Dawson, had said that the bar wasn’t bad. The alcohol was cheap, but plentiful, and had enough variety that it was easy to get f***ed up. That checked all the criteria that Hugh had.

So the team drank into the night. Now, Hugh wouldn’t be able to recall the full events of the night, but the one he will remember is Melody.

The bar had an amateur stripclub feature on the weekends and, to Hugh’s luck, that night just happened to be a Saturday night. Ooooh, she was gorgeous. Melody was only a little younger than him, early-twenties at most, with a killer body and a mane of beautiful red hair. Her off-colored eyes were probably the most striking thing about him, making the soldier absolute putty in her hands whenever she happened to look his way. It was no wonder he spent half the night chatting her up.

Eventually his squadmates drifted off, having early calls the next day or plans with family. Hugh, meanwhile, had his schedule completely open. So when a half-drunk Melody whispered into a full-on drunk Hugh’s ear that they should go back to her place, he was all for it.

Now, the rest was a blur. But as the crack of dawn began to shine onto the eyes of the disgruntled soldier, he found himself practically hissing at the intrusion. It was several moments of him trying to hide from the sun before he realized that his apartment didn’t have that great a view of it. So...where the hell was he?

Hugh awoke with a groan, rubbing the sand from his eyes. As one eye fluttered open, he gazed at the bedsheets in disarray and noted the scent of coffee in the air. He looked to his side and noted the other side of the strange bed was empty and there were the tell-tale sounds of bare feet on linoleum echoing from a kitchenette just outside the door.

A slight groan escaped his lips as he climbed out of bed. The jingle of his dog tags echoed like a thunderclap in his ears and he found himself reaching the back of his next to rub out some lingering soreness from the fight last night. It was as he was surveying the room that he noted two things: 1.) his boxers (smeared with lipstick) were half-draped over an armchair, and 2.) he spotted the familiar preppy schoolgirl uniform that the stripper, Melody, was wearing last night.

It was all coming back to him now.

Smiling slyly, Hugh stood up and grabbed his boxers from the nearby chair. He was about to slip them on when a wicked thought crossed his mind. He did have the day off. And if Melody was so keen on keeping him around with the enticing scent of coffee, why should he deny her the pleasure of his company?

”Mm Mm Mmm, cher…” he called out affectionately. ”That sure do smell good.” His heavily accented voice lifted through the halls of the apartment.

However, he barely heard a giggle in response before the sounds of a door being opened. There was a gasp, the rushing of feet, and the sound of another set of feet entering the apartment. Hugh barely registered this in time to stop, but it would be far too late to do any good. There he was, standing in the entrance to the hallway, looking at the living room and the kitchenette.

The apartment was nicer than he remembered. Still a little simple but fairly well put together. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see the dancer, Melody, standing in naught but an apron, holding a mug of coffee. Her gaze, the same as his, was plastered on the second person in the room. A woman with short dark hair, a pale complexion, and dressed as if she wore the night around her; her gaze was elsewhere. Hugh could feel those fierce, red eyes boring a hole directly down where the sun don’t shine, in the place that he slowly began to covered with his unworn boxers.

“Um...babe?” Melody started to say.

Hugh watched. Then smirked. ”Oh. Oooohh.” he nodded. ”That’s...pretty hot actually.”

Maybe it was something he said. Hugh had a way of pissing off mutants and it seemed to be a talent that followed him from the alternate universe he had come from. The dark-haired mutant roared and practically flew at him, causing the soldier to turn and run back down the hall and into the room that he had just exited from. He barely slammed and locked the door in time to stop the marauding mutant who clawed and pounded at the barrier. It was just enough time for Hugh to grab his wallet and shoes.

Sadly that was it for the time that was afforded to him. The door splintered and, despite the fact that he was a S.U.P.E.R. agent, he was clearly in the wrong here. Making a made dash for the window, Hugh pulled it up and immediately climbed out. The cold, winter air snapped at his bare ass like a bullwhip and nearly caused him to yelp, but he didn’t stop.

Never had Hugh climbed so carefully and so quickly down a chilly, metal ladder, but he did it, and as soon as his bare feet hit the pavement, he was on the run. Past whichever unfortunate onlookers, ignoring all looks and gasps of surprise. Of course, that didn’t stop him from offering a cheeky wink to a blushing blonde on the sidewalk. But there was no time to stop and chat. Distance. He needed distance between himself and that vampire mutant that he was definitely going to look into just in case she was a public menace.

It was doubtful, but considering he was running through New York City in nothing but a set of dog tags, he was willing to be a little petty.

Finally, lungs burning, Hugh slowed just enough to slip on his boxers. Sadly, in his attempts to run and cloth himself at the same time, he looked away just long enough to accidentally throw himself into someone who just happened to be in his way.

THUD!!

The impact was hard. Flesh meeting flesh. It was no wonder they both collided to the ground and Hugh, already winded, found himself taking a moment to catch his breath.

”Ugh,” he groaned. ”I didn’t even get to have coffee yet.”

In general, Juniper liked to think that her philosophy of remaining 90% phased while out and about in the city wasn't completely paranoid and was a perfectly acceptable habit. Couldn't get pickpocketed if there wasn't a pocket consistently there to pick, right? Couldn't get hit by a car, or shouldered into on the sidewalk. No worry about getting pooped on by one of the giant sky rats, or having anyone pee on your shoes if you happened to be in that part of the city. (which honestly was pretty much everywhere, let's be real here)

She liked the freedom of movement it gave, and that she didn't have to feel so anxious about surprise attacks from strangers. It was smart! She wasn't delusional damnit!

Her day so far had been pretty tame. Got up early for work at the climbing gym, ate a boring lunch, got off work, and went to hang out with Xavier at the school for a bit. Now she was on her way to try and meet up with Leena, who had gotten a few of her friends together for some kind of drunk painting class, and Juniper had been invited along. She really liked having her fake ID back. So many more things to do for fun!

She had been engrossed in her phone while standing at a bus stop, waiting for her ride to pull up and take her across town, when out of the blue what felt like a small compact car made of flesh and bone took her completely off her feet.

...She had forgotten to keep up the phasing act, seeing as she had been standing STATIONARY and who in THE HELL would just deck some random stranger? Apparently this dude.

"@$%#&^!" There was a sweaty, warm peck smashed into her face for all of five seconds before she got her wits about her and phased herself out from under her giant attacker. Was it that looney greased up naked guy again running around sowing chaos everywhere?!

"Who the F-" The human battering ram grumbled about coffee of all things, which she completely ignored.

She spotted her phone off to the side where it had shot out of her hands and skittered over to grab it. The screen was cracked a little, but seeing as it was an old as dust model it was still functional. Not like the dainty little glass phones of modern-day that bent in half if you so much as breathed on them.

She got her phone tucked into the pocket of her zippered coat and blinked down with furrowed brows at the very undressed man collecting himself on the ground. "Can I suggest you go get some @#$%ing coffee before you mow over any more unsuspecting citizens?!"

Some people would say it was far too early in the day for funnel cake. Some would say that was just carnival and fair food. Others would say, “What on Earth is funnel cake?” Zek would laugh in all of their faces. It was never too early for funnel cake. Well, unless the shop he’d gotten it from wasn’t open, in which case of course he’d be too early for funnel cake and have to wait around like some down-on-his-luck schmuck. Or he could go grab a box of donuts.

Zek had done both. It was his little way of rewarding himself for the successful capture of a bounty. The guy had been arrested for training dogs for dog fights and while normally, Zek would’ve been of the mindset to just let the dogs take care of themselves and leave the rest of the world alone, he had also realized that leaving this guy running around just increased the odds that there'd be a greater demand for dogs and so people would want more and more bred and birthed and that was just unthinkable!

So Zek had done his part to remove this scum from society in order to prevent a world filled with canine devils and their evil, evil ways.

He’d managed to find the guy pretty easily (another reason he went after the guy; it hadn’t required much work) and he’d just gone over to the guy’s friend’s house pretty early in the morning, when reasonable people were still sleeping, and had just walked in (after vanishing the door), captured a couple of dogs before they could attack, and sucked the target into a pocket dimension while he was still in his underwear, wife beater, and eating cereal.

So yeah, Zek was feeling a little crummy knowing that a bunch of his pockets were filled with dogs and a dog-trainer and he was definitely going to take a shower and like, find a way to bleach his soul once he eventually decided to drop the guy off at a police station. But until then, funnel cake and donuts would counter the feelings. The donuts were stored neatly in his sixth hammerspace pocket where they’d remain nice and fresh and hot from the baker’s oven while he nommed up the funnel cake.

And then the bus stopped. He glanced out the window. Oh, this was his stop. “That’s me!” he told anybody who cared and he grandly left his seat with a dramatic flourish of his blakc trench coat, his plate of funnel cake held firmly in his fingerless-glove-bedecked hands. He flashed a smile at the bus driver and then stepped off the bus.

Then he blinked.

There was a basically naked guy on the ground and a basically angry Juniper yelling at him.

Hmmm. You know, there was a very good chance the morning’s entertainment wasn’t over yet.

“Oh hey, you,” he said as he nonchalantly strolled up to Juniper’s side. He peered down at Mr. Public Indecency as he held the funnel cake out to her. “Want some funnel cake? And who's your friend?”

This really was a shit day. Sad because his night had been rather spectacular. Though some of it was a blur, there were bits and flashes of his time with Melody that would forever live and roll around in his gray matter for as long as he lived. There was something about a woman that knew her body and how to use it for -- no. Now wasn’t the time to remienesence. His bad was freezing cold, as here his chest, his arms, his legs, and at least one exposed butt cheek. Why? Oh yeah.

Hugh groaned as he opened his eyes. Carefully he titled himself so that he was propped up on his arm and eyed the blond that he had just run into. She seemed to be a little worse for the wear, not surprising given his much larger mass when compared to her scrawny a**.

Oh but she had a mouth on her. Normally that would have earned a smile and a flirtatious grin but the soldier was too busy trying to keep his hardened nipples from snapping off in the icy winter air that menacingly caressed them.

The woman snapped at him merciless, suggesting he get his coffee first before barreling through any more unsuspecting New Yorkers. He smirked as he moved onto his feet, and pulled up his boxers to finally cover that exposed cheek. Of course that did nothing to cover the finely toned happy trail that momentarily showed just a little too much. A quickly tug and the rim of the boxers finally covered that too.

”Suggested noted, cher,” he replied in his heavily spiced Cajun accent. ”Sad to say, dat could not be helped.”

Hugh barely managed to pick up his wallet before yet another individual felt it necessary to interject. Getting off of a bus, holding a warm funnel cake in his hands, a young man who seemingly knew the blonde greeted her and asked after Hugh himself. Hugh snorted as he clenched his wallet. He needed to contact his squad, or first, he should get some clothes.

Still, he couldn’t help but answer the other as he gave him a nod. ”Not a friend, just another casualty in da crossfires of love.”

And, speaking of…

A scream erupted from down the street. People jumped out of the way as a raging, pale skinned woman hopped like a rabid beast from telephone poles, mailboxes, and car hoods. She was sniffing at a shirt that was all too familiar to Hugh and was snapping her head left and right, smelling the air. Her red eyes glowed a little brighter the closer she drew to Hugh’s location.

”My point arrives. I should go. Do not tell her dat I was here,” he grumbled and slipped past them. ”Good luck to you!” he said quickly as he squirreled past the duo and attempted to find a shop to hide in (and buy some damn pants).

She noticed his accent the second time around and hoo-boy, it was pretty spicey. What state was that prevalent in again? Whichever one it was she had missed it on her journey from Ohio to New York.

Zek appeared virtually out of the blue (or maybe it was because she was thoroughly distracted with how undressed Coffee dude was) and food was suddenly a thing. "Oooh! Funnel cake!" She accepted immediately, making a mental mark for owing him another treat at some point, and shrugged at his second question. "Someone having a bad day, apparently. Who a-"

An unholy screech that promised nothing but trouble stopped her mid-question, and Juniper turned with her newly gifted funnel cake raised to her mouth to seek out what was making it. Why did that sound like some kind of forsaken demon out for blood in some kind of complicated revenge plot? Well according to Mr. Happy Trail (newly dubbed) that's because it was.

"Oh no... is this like a break-up thing? I don't wanna be involved in break up things." And yet she made zero moves to leave.

Happy Trail tried to hit the trails and kindly requested that they not narc on him. Well... she wasn't a narc, that was for sure.

"... Wanna follow him, Zek? This seems like Pay Per View worthy drama."

The sound of people panicking grew closer, and a small stamp picked up as regular folk tried to flee. Juniper casually reached out to snag one of Zek's sleeves to phase both of them and prevent them from getting swallowed up.

The funnel cake was promptly accepted and so Zek took another piece himself as the two formed a peanut gallery. And Zek learned some scandlaous stuff. Crossfires of love? Not a friend but a casualty? He smirked and pointedly glanced between Pantless Wonder and Juni. His eyebrows waggled mercilessly and he opened his mouth and--someone stole his thunder.

“How rude,” he said to himself with an imperious sniff.

“Well that’s where we differ,” he told Juniper. “I absolutely want to get involved in break up things! If we’re lucky, we might get to watch them trash a neighborhood!” And based on the pursuing lady’s acrobatics and such, it seemed likely.

Then there was a touch on his arm and suddenly a dozen or so people were wildebeesting through him. He broke off another piece of the funnel cake and glanced as his cohort. Sliding into a cheesy British accent, he said, “Why, I say, my good Juniper, I do believe that would prove to be a splendid endeavor. Shall we pip-pip and cheerio?”

He stuck his elbow out at a perfectly gentlemanly angle in case she wanted to adjust her grip and then, funnel cake plate firmly in his now-ghostly gloved grasp, he began bolting after Boxer Butt, laughing all the way.

Ugh, Hugh was hating this morning. Which was a shame considering that everything had gone so well leading up to it. Now he was cold, he was thirsty, and he was on the run from a maddened mutant who wanted to tear him limb from limb. Curse him for being so handsome and enticing to people of all genders! It certainly got him into more trouble than he was willing to admit, but it was far too much fun to just ignore.

Oh well. As one of his ex-girlfriends, he couldn’t quite remember the name, had said (he couldn’t quite remember her name), “That **** is going to **** you in the *** one day!”

She always said such sweet things. But, yeah, it certainly seemed as if his indiscretion had gotten himself into a bit of hot water. The good thing was that Hugh Manning was fairly adept at tossing a few ice cubes into that boiling liquid. He would figure a way out of this, he just needed some distance and the time to think.

Which he didn’t have a lot of! The sound of tearing metal and vampiric roaring filled the cold air. Normally this would be the extract thing that S.U.P.E.R. would be able to handle, but Hugh was caught with his pants down -- quite literally. In nothing but his boxers, with only his wallet in his hand, there was little he had to defend himself from such an obvious threat. It seemed he was going to have to improvise.

Perfect. He loved a challenge.

The unfortunate thing was that he was going to have to deal with this angry lover soon. She had his scent and without having a dossier on the full extent of her abilities, he was going to have to wing her limits. He already had seen her display of strength back in the apartment (peak human level). She was also fast and agile. Her claws looked a little talon-like as well, plus the fangs in her mouth. And that was all just the physical stuff! That alone made her lethal. But what could he do?

Spying an opening shop, Hugh shot a glance at the sign above the door and smirked. He loved New York.

Dipping inside, he began to run through the small shop’s aisles, his eyes scanning the wares. Grabbing a few bottles from the shelves, he ignored the angry shouts of the store owners, a quintet of women, of varying skin tones, heights, but each with a thick British accent. Threats of calling the police were called but Hugh ignored them further, grabbing the last of what he needed and pouring it all into his open hand which he kept in a tight fist.

With the other he pulled out a crisp one-hundred dollars and slammed it on the counter for them. ”Excuse und thank you!”

He barely got the words out before the door slammed open and the vampiric mutant stormed inside. The brunette with the pale skin and the fierce red eyes snarled and practically frothed at the mouth as she hissed at him. She was ready to lunge but Hugh held up his hands (one open and the other closed) and started to back way, circling around her so that he managed to push his way out of the door.

”Now, now cher, calm down und let me explain,” he said carefully, pushing the door open with his back and stepping outside.

Hugh Manning, agent of S.U.P.E.R. stepped out of the Spice World spice shoppe, dressed in nothing but his boxers with a wallet hastily tucked in. One hand was open and wide, trying to signal for the near rabid mutant to hold back while the other was a closed fist. The vampire didn’t seem to notice and merely advanced carefully, ready to pounce while Hugh quickly ran his mouth.

”I can tell what you are thinking und let me be honest, it was just one night. You deserve so much better than her und she was da one who came onto me!” He explained. The vampire swiped. A crowd was gathering nearby, watching. Hugh managed to dodge out of the way but kept his eyes focused on her. ”Lissen, it was a mistake. I did not know you und her were together. I am giving you one last chance to settle, cher, oya I'm gonna have to put dat gris-gris on you! my ole granny got dat mean voodoo. You don't want that, right?”

A hiss erupted from the vampire. One that was challenging and belligerent. It seemed that she didn’t believe him and with a powerful lunge she threw himself at him. Hugh, meanwhile, seeing this suddenly threw his closed fist at her. But he wasn’t attempting to punch her, rather, his fingers opened and there was a cloud of brown, black, white, and varying colors in between. The cloud of spices floated there as the vampire passed through with open eyes and mouth while Hugh dove and rolled out of the way.

By the time he got to his feet, the vampire was hissing, crying, and clawing at the concrete. The concoction of ingredients he had thrown in her face were some of the spiciest, burniest spices that Spice World had to offer. He had effectively made his own hot pepper bomb and thrown it into the mutant’s face. Hugh was gambling that her senses were also heightened, making everything that much more painful.

That should buy him some time.

”I did warn you,” he said as he turned and ran again. This time he grabbed a person’s phone, someone who had been recording the event. As he ran, Hugh called back over his shoulder. ”Thank you for your cooperation, citizen! Your property will be returned!” Possibly. However he only had a momentary headstart as the not partially blinded and burning vampire clamoured onto his feet, caught his scent and once more gave chase.

See, this is why she loved being around Zek so much. He was hard to grasp sometimes, but holy heck did he have just the *best* sense of adventure!

"Indubitably my fine fellow!" Her attempt at a British accent was just plain awful. "Onward!" Looping her arm in his, they started off after the entertainment for the day, which was...uh... ramping up pretty fast.

A black blur streaked past as she lifted her plate to get a bite of funnel cake, caught her in the split second she was mostly solid and a short series of unfortunate events unfolded. The hood of her red hoodie flipped up over her head just from the speed the woman was moving, blinding her for just a moment as it and her loose hair all converged into her face at once. Her plate and the poor, unfortunate, barely eaten cake got caught in the gust and front flipped right out of her hand. She pulled her arm away from zek to clear her vision, time slowed as the delicious cake careened through the air toward a swift and unjust end on the pavement, all while sad string instruments wallowed away somewhere in the back of her head.

"My caaaake!" Damnit! It was the mob ice cream disaster all over again! Why wasn't she allowed to finish one of Zek's treats fully?!

".... Gonna murder her." She started pushing up the sleeves of her hoodie as she stared blankly at the corpse of the cake, with its delicious crumbs scattered across the sidewalk like blood spread at a crime scene. Happy Trail and the Vampire had re-appeared and then parted after a brief (heh) scuffle. She was recovering quickly though and had already clambered back to her feet and given chase to the man.

"... I don't get my snack, she doesn't get hers." She reached out to offer the protection of her power again to Zek, and took off in a sprint alongside him.

"Oi! Count Orlok! You owe me a funnel cake!" The Vampire turned mid-air, having leapt to hop from the ground to a powerline, in order to sneer and growl, "@#$% off! This is none of your business!"

"You're whole aesthetic is cliche and tacky! I bet you like to wear necklaces with blood in them and got a tramp stamp of an Ankh!"

“Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!” Zek continued laughing as they made merry chase. This was fun so far. Funnel cake, a pal on his arm, a chance to stretch his legs. He’d missed his evening run yesterday so this was great for the ol’ cardio. And the fact that some jungle woman was chasing after the Underwear Adventurer just made the day extra special.

Until tragedy struck.

“Noooooo!” he cried out in anguish and sorrow and horror and all that good stuff. Or at last, that was the intent. It was actually more like “Nyuurrrrrrrrrrre!” due to all the funnel cake currently stuffed in his mouth. To lose one’s funnel cake was always devastating, but this? This was just senseless. A hit and run. Or a hit and run way faster, that is, since Wild Woman was scary fast.

He regarded Juniper’s oath with a solemn nod. Yes, murder was the correct course of action. He was about to pass her one of the knives in his trenchcoat (assuming she didn’t already have some herself) when she grabbed his arm and again they were spirits.

Spirits of vengeance.

Juniper launched into her diatribe and as she captured the woman’s attention, Zek firmy passed his funnel cake to his left hand and scarlet light blossomed in his right. The lady’s eyes shifted. “That’s right, Toothpaste-Face! It’s not our business! Now it’s personal!” he roared as he reared back and flashed the orb at her.

Well, not at her. But about two feet above her. She tracked the ball for half a second and then scowled. “At least you could try to ai--”

The ball flashed red and a guy in his underwear, wifebeater, and still holding his bowl of cereal, was suddenly floating two feet above her and now parallel to and facing the ground.

Then gravity happened.

Zek ripped off another piece of cake and stuffed his face.

Okay. Pursuer was blinded, hacking, and increasingly angry. That was fine for Hugh who was already at a complete disadvantage in only his wallet in hand and boxers covering his junk. And he was not a shy man! He honestly didn’t care who saw his dangle because at least it was one to be proud of! But as he ran, trying to keep his happy trail from being further exposed, Hugh turned his focus to the latest addition to his arsenal -- a phone!

He stopped for a second to hold the phone up and immediately raised his eyebrows at the lock screen photo. It was a very obvious picture of a young woman’s thong wearing butt, sporting a tattoo that sprawled each cheek that said “Xavier’s Hard Candy”, and a little upside down lollipop used for the “D”.

Huh. Wasn’t this picture a meme or something. He thought he remembered someone on his squad commenting on it a few days ago. The internet will make up anything these days.

Shaking his head, he swiped the phone to unlock it and quickly dialed his emergency contact number for S.U.P.E.R. As the operator picked up and the surly voice of Mabel came on the line, he whipped back around to see how far back his pursuer was -- only to see she was no longer chasing him. Instead she was now shouting at a pair of young people, the same whom he had run into earlier. Only now there was a middle aged man floating over her head.

”What in da hell…?” He started back towards the scene, snatching the closest, weapon-like things he could see hanging from a storefront, all the while shouting at Mabel to get off her ass and get some backup to his location.

Meanwhile, the vampiric mutant was staring down the hecklers with a narrowed, burning gaze and fangs exposed. She was hunched, ready to pounce, ignoring the pained tears that poured from her spice-irritated eyes and shouted in a deep, hoarse voice.

“I said shut up! This doesn’t involve your scrawny as--”

There was a gasp of confusion and fear. The vampire barely had time to look up as a vastly underdressed, middle-aged man suddenly appeared above her head. Just as he started to fall, the vampire started to jump -- but it seemed that gravity was far quicker. The backs of her legs were caught by the boxer-wearing ass that plummeted down upon her and firmly knocked her off course.

“Oooff!!” The vampire grunted, skidding across the ice-covered concrete. She didn’t stop until she thudded her head onto a nearby brick wall. Still, it didn’t take her long to shake off her daze and stand, snarling. “What the f*** was th--”

”Vampirella!” Hugh returned, shouting and catching her attention. Standing there, again in nought but his boxers, the well-toned, bearded soldiers held up his hands, displaying the gleaming edges of several, hard plastic snowflakes that he had managed to procure from one of the storefronts. As he locked eyes with the vampire, he smirked. ”Sorry your girl's a harlot. But know it was ice to make your acquatinence, cher!”

He threw. With surprising expert precision, he threw the plastic stars like shurikens through the open air, one cutting the vampire across the cheek and the other two bouncing firmly off of her forehead. He wasn’t looking to really hurt her, but more to keep her anger and focus on him. After all, his job was to project people and he couldn’t do that if they were riling her up more than him.

He smirked as he looked back to the crowd. ”Everyone, please stop antagonizing da vampire. She's had a rough day. Girlfriend cheating on her und all dat. Please let super officials handle DIIIIIISSSSSS!!!”

Hugh shouted. His attempts at getting the vampire to focus on him were...well...successful. And she let him know that in the most painful way possible -- by tackling him across the midsection and sending them both sprawling into the street. Hugh wince and he felt the bare skin of his butt scraping rolling on the appropriately named asphalt. It seemed that somewhere along the way, his boxers had decided to eject themselves from his body.

Selfish, quitting boxers. How dare they not stick around to see how this ends!

"Gooooooal!" Her arms went straight up in the air and she spared a moment to jog a little victory dance around Zek for his amazing magical balls. "Great aim!" She put up a hand for a high five. But, oh, the battle was far from over.

"... Lame pun, dude." She shook her head. Wasn't that from a movie or something? OwlbearMan and Crested Tit... or whatever. She hadn't gotten very far in comic book movies.

The goth chick who still owed her a new funnel cake recovered pretty quick and was up on her feet again, sprinting for HappyTrail, and oof! That looked like it hurt.

Juniper hurried to cross the distance between her and Bella over there, who seemed busy with a newly naked man who still hadn't gotten his coffee yet. Shame, that. "I have no idea what super is or whatever," she rushed in to snag one of the woman's ankles, phased every part of her except for that one ankle, "but I really don't like rude people!"

It was pretty easy to straighten back up, reel her arm back with a surprised, panicked, and cussing vampire flailing about awkwardly in her grip, and physically chuck her like a baseball back toward where Zek was. "ZEK! Trade you a Misdreavus!"

As soon as Vamp!goth left her grip all her weight came snapping back, but she continued on at the same fast pitch speed she had been chucked.

"WHAT THE FUUUUUU-"

Juniper huffed, wiped her hands clean of the issue, and.... oh, wait, she really hoped Zek was gonna try and catch the woman in one of his fancy balls and that she hadn't just chucked a dangerous foe at him without him being prepared. What if she murdered his funnel cake too!?

The dog trainer received his just desserts with a most soul-satisfying CRACK. His cereal bowl shattered on the concrete. Well, a few of the dude’s bones might’ve cracked too, but the ceramic shards just exploded in a beautiful mosaic that might’ve taken Zek’s breath away if he cared about such things. But he really didn’t care about trainer-guy’s well-being. All he’d tell the people down at the station was there was an altercation during retrieval and the guy had fallen down a lot of steps.

Zek made no move to catch the guy, though, because the guy seemed absolutely unconscious with the wind and all the stuffings knocked out of him. A Cheshire grin stuck to Zek’s face and he couldn’t get it off no matter how hard he tried.

And then Boxer Butt was throwing shurik--no, check that-- snowflakes at the crazy lady. Zek nommed on some more cake.

And then Boxer Butt and Wild Woman were wrestling. Or engaging in more public indecency? And oh there went the boxers! Yep. NOT wrestling. Unless they only practiced the Greek version?

And then Juniper joined in. Zek’s eyes widened with glee. Until the lady was hurled right at him. “Ack!” he shouted in alarm. And in the scant moments he had left, he shoved one of his balls at the humanism projectile.

There was a flash. Well, a second one really, since Boxer Butt no longer had his boxers.

Still yelling, Zek targeted Juni: “And what’s a Misdreavus? And is it contagious?” That was one of the ones you had to get a shot for, right?

He chewed on even more funnel cake and sauntered nearer to Juniper. And then he was at the boxers. He dropped a ball on them. A second ball rematerialized them. Now he could really pay attention to the print. Oh, and the fabric! Oooo, so luxurious!

“Oh these are nice! Top notch quality! Hey Juniper, feel this!” And Zek grabbed the funnel cake with his mouth long enough to stretch the boxers by the waistband and rubber band them over in Juniper’s general direction.

Grabbing onto the rapidly vanishing funnel cake again, he called out to Mr. Birthday Suit, “Hey, Bubble Butt, where’d you get those boxers? Did they come in a set or individually sold, or what? I’ve been meaning to get some new ones lately.”

Alright. So it’s come to this. His d*** was in the breeze. Hugh didn’t know why he was even worried about that. For one reason, he didn’t have anything to worry about, being a three-legged man and all. For another and more important reason, the damned hell-woman who had been chasing him all morning had managed to tackle him and was snapping her jaws directly in front of his face. Yeah, there were more important things to worry about.

Though it was hard to remember that with gravel and asphalt digging their way into his cheeks. Damn that hurt.

Still, even in the face of such horror, Hugh didn’t panic. He was a trained soldier and a damned good one too because he managed to maintain his grip on the vampire’s wrists and planted his knee against her stomach to prevent her from getting any closer. However, at this point they were at a bit of a stalemate and eventually one of them was going to give.

For all of his bravado and stubbornness, Hugh had the unfortunately feeling that it would be him.

He ground his teeth as he pushed back against the vampire, twisting the wrists of one of her hand firmly enough that he could hear the bones grinding. But she hardly seemed to notice. Rather she hissed all the more venomously and blindly attempted to sink her teeth into whatever part of his body she could.

”Lissen cher, dis is da last warning. You calm down oya i'm going to have to make you calm down!” he shouted. But if she heard him, she made no signs she did. Rather all Hugh could wonder was how was he going to make do on his promise, and secretly hope she didn’t wrench one of her hands away to rip his acorns off.

Thankfully, it would seem that help would come from above. The weight of the vampire was lifted off of him as someone stepped in and grabbed her away. They seemed to display a ridiculous amount of strength as a petite blond pulled the woman into the air and sent her hurdling off into the crowd.

Impressive. But even that couldn’t match what happened next. Another civilian shouted as the woman was thrown in his direction. But rather than attempt to move or catch her with his arms, he produced some ball of light; light which he used to touch the woman and absorb her into yet another burst of luminescence.

Things were not going in anyway that he expected. Especially when the two interlopers began to play hot potato with his underwear.

He snorted as he stood up from the ground and marked towards them. ”Nile.com. Pack of four. You should see da leopard print. Now, if I may have dem back, please.” He then turned to the guy. ”And the mutant. What did you do to her? Is she dead?”

She cupped her hands around her mouth, "It's a Gatchamon!" She'd learned quite a few of them just so that she could make jokes about his power.

Thankfully her gamble ended in success because Zek was awesome, and they were 100% vampire free! She celebrated by jogging in a little circle with her arms up and screaming "Gooooal!" Because that was a sports thing you did, right?

Zek had apparently discovered something awesome on the ground, which she found out was a pair of silky boxers after they smacked her fairly in the face while she was mid-way through a question. "The wha-" It was like a silky smooth slap from heaven, only she didn't know where they had been before their flight onto her person. They ended up scrunched in her hands for a moment as she inspected them and let out a whistle. "Ooh, yep. Nice quality here."

...Oh, he wanted them back?

Juniper quickly, and brazenly, wadded them up and shoved them right down the front of her red sweatshirt whence they couldn't be seen. She then proceeded to just grin at the man. "Finder keepers."

She proceeded to turn to Zek as well and eyeballed what was left of his funnel cake with just the biggest sad puppy eyes.

Zek didn’t bother holding back his soft chuckle as Juniper got boxed by the boxers. “HAHAHAHAHA!” he said. But then she too was able to appreciate the quality. And apparently she had decided they were now hers, or perhaps she was a little cold and needed more insulation. That was smart. Silk was a good insulator, right?

“Nile.com, huh? Good idea!” Zek whistled approvingly. He ended up by Juniper. “I would love to see da leopard print. Are you going to model them, we just going back to your place to check them out, or what?” Zek cast a critical eye (and a non-critical eye) over the man. The dude certainly looked like he could be a great model. Especially for socks. He could model three at once with only a dash of creativity! But even in fashion, looks weren’t everything. Zek wasn’t sure the man was able to actually keep his underwear on long enough to show off the merchandise.

Zek frowned in concentration. Yeah, they’d need to go back to the guy’s place. Especially because it didn’t look like this guy had the leopard print on him, unless he too was as awesome as Zek and had his own hammerspace pockets. And Zek had to smirk at that. Nobody was that awesome.

It was lonely at the top. Sniff, sniff.

He screwed up his face as Mister Bare-All wanted to know about the woman's life status. “Um, yes?” Zek questioned, not entirely sure. “I think she has to be dead, like, by default?” He looked around and stepped in close to Isaac Nudeton, cupped his non-funnel-cake-holding hand around his mouth and whispered loudly enough that the whole street could hear: “I think that woman was a vampire!”

He stepped back and nodded earnestly. That was not what he’d expected to see this morning but it was definitely one of the more memorable encounters.

And speaking of encounters…

“Here you go,” Zek said with a fond grin as he gave Juniper the rest of his funnel cake. After all, it wasn’t her fault she’d lost hers earlier. It was Vampirella’s fault. Which reminded him: he needed to drop her in front of some fast moving traffic, or maybe the subway. There needed to be blood and bruises and maybe broken limbs for her atrocities.

A red ball later and the box of warm and aromatic donuts appeared in his hands. He opened up the box and snagged one of the donuts and bit into it. Ooo! Jelly filled! “Donut?” he said, offering the mixed-assortment in Senor Streaker’s direction.