>>”I don’t understand how people can do that to other people.”

"Neither can I," He said, pulling his hand out from under Kealey's. He glanced away for a moment. Maybe he could. The people thought mutants were different, that they were something to be feared, scary, that they brought uncertainty, that so many mutants existed that gave the rest a bad name. There were so many reasons that an entire country would lose its mind,it was insane.The thought that he could understand the reasons someone would do something extreme, though, didn't mean he approved. Or could ever fathom doing a such thing himself. He didn't like that second of thinking. He hadn't been able to look Kealey in the eye during it. He really didn't feel like touching her while he was talking about this Romania stuff, either. He hoped she didn't take that the wrong way.

How had he survived the camps?

"Help. Tarin. Ghost." He lowered his eyes to the grass by his lap. "It was hard. Lots of stumbling. Hard to help Ghost carry..." He changed the subject, mid-thought, when the horror hit him of describing any bit of what they'd been carrying. "rescue team came, led by an adaptoid. Tarin and I got out. Gun-happy crazy woman was insane. Then, Lee died, and Tarin did something with Sebastian... and Slate rode a unicorn... and Lee came back to life, and I censored naked Tarin, and I don't know. It all happened so fast, and then we were out... it's amazing we escaped at all." He finally looked her in the eyes. His eyes were soft, mirroring past fears and worries. There were tears edging towards the corners, like he was nearly ready to cry.

Shin pulled his hand away and Kealey looked at hers, alone in the grass, before she pulled it back and held her hands in her lap. Shin’s logic was there, but there was so much extreme discomfort that she almost told him to stop again…that she didn’t need to hear…that he didn’t have to.

He did though…he needed to talk about this. There were so many feelings deep down that simply couldn’t stay locked up like that. It was too much for any one person to handle…they’d come up sometime, and now was as good a time as any. Kealey wouldn’t tell him to stop, she’d encourage him to continue, and she’d listen…and help in any way she could. He didn’t want comfort, not right now, so she simply waited and listened.

It suddenly made more sense, everything about Ghost and Tarin, why Shin had been so upset when the man’s wife had disappeared. Tarin had helped Shin in the camps, he’d stumbled, and carried…something that horrified him to even think about. Shin changed he subject and Kealey let him…it was a weak moment, but she didn’t want to know what was that bad…that disturbing. Maybe another time, maybe when simply bringing up this subject didn’t bring that haunted look to his eyes.

More mental pictures rose in Kealey’s mind with the descriptions Shin gave. He’d been collared and shocked, and helpless to even open his eyes without the mechanical punishment. It made her hurt, deep in her stomach. Shin finally met her eyes again, and Kealey felt her own eyes tearing up as she looked at him across the grass. She wanted to reach out, to hold him until all of those feelings went away, and never let them come back again. He didn’t want that though. What could she say? What could she do? For the moment, she just looked back, her empathy echoed in her eyes. She got it, and literally understood how he felt. ”It’s okay.” she said, not even sure she was speaking out loud.

Something stuck out from the brief snippets of story Shin had told, and she tried it…hoping she wasn’t taking the wrong position. ”Did you say…you censored naked Tarin?”

"Or was it Sebastian. I forget. I think I gave Tarin my pants..."

Shin couldn't recall whether Tarin had used those pants properly or not. What with the Adapted around and their exit being hasty, everything was a big void. Not even a blur.

"Whatever Tarin and Sebastian did... to fuse like that... looking like David Bowie, or a unicorn... I dunno. I'm still confused. All that gunfire, and that adaptoid..." He shuddered. "It all sounds hilarious when I put it that way. What a sick joke."

As Shin kept talking, Kealey pulled her legs up and wrapped her arms around her legs. Had it been this cold earlier? She hadn’t been thinking about it after everything that had happened at the prison. It was starting to seep in now, and as she watched Shin and felt what he was going through, she shuddered in time with him. How had he gone so long without telling her these things?

The answer wasn’t hard to come up with, even though Kealey was the one asking the question. Trauma like that didn’t simply go away, and time didn’t make it any easier to talk about. That was true no matter what anyone said. Time just let you forget sometimes. Then you remembered, and sometimes it was twice as bad. Kealey wanted to tell Shin that…but the words wouldn’t form and wouldn’t come out right. She wasn’t an expert…and she definitely wasn’t the right person to lecture on how to deal with the past. Not with how everything was happening.

Shin said it sounded hilarious, and Kealey shook her head, then rested her chin on her knees. ”It doesn’t sound funny Shin. Not to me, not with the way it makes you feel. It makes me angry at all those stupid misguided people.” it was hard to admit that, but it was true. ”It also makes me so very grateful for all of those people who were good…and who helped. It’s the only way things like that will ever stop happening.”

She was quiet for a moment, kind of letting things sink in and settle. This had ended up being a tough day for the both of them, one filled with emotions and difficult conversation. ”Thank you for telling me…” she said softly. Staring at her shoe laces. The story put everything into new perspective…but those collars….those collars would never be okay.

She was right, but this wasn't a question of who was right or wrong. The X-men had tried to help the people. That was good. They'd gone to the camps. That was bad. Shin was focused on the bad part, because the good part didn't really ever appear to him. He'd never seen the fruits of their labors in the camps. Everything had mysteriously sorted itself out, seemingly without their help. Maybe someone else had been helping, someone with better skills?

He bowed his head, bringing a knee up as he sat, so he could rest an arm around it. Shin touched his forehead to his kneecap.

Kealey thanked him. Shin felt cold.

"Don't mention it..." He said quietly, as deep down, he was haunted by the past.

This wasn’t helping. What she was doing, wasn’t making things better at all. Kealey frowned at herself, what good was feeling everything she felt if she couldn’t do something to help the person she cared about most? She took a deep breath and let it out. Shin needed empathy…but how was she supposed to give it to him. The answer came in that exact form. Empathy. Kealey knew how Shin felt…and she’d shared with him before…and she’d felt the things he was feeling for so long she’d wondered if it would ever go away.

For a few moments, Kealey looked across the small space at Shin’s bowed head, then she took a deep breath and spoke ”When you go there…” she said quietly, meaning the dark place she could feel Shin settling into, ”It feels like it would be impossible for a single good thing to exist in the world.” Her voice was quiet, but firm, and she continued to speak.

”How could there be if there are people in the world who could do those things?”

Kealey stared at the grass in the hedge maze and thought more about it…she probably still wasn’t helping, but she had to try. ”People do horrible things to each other…they lock each other up and do terrible things to make a point, and they blow up churches full of kids.” she stopped and shook her head, ”I think it’s all a test.”

It was too hard, the dark, the place he was in. Like a six inch wall between her and him. Except she could phase through it, and sense what was on the other side. It was a mixed mutation. She was a mixed type of gal. And way too good for him. She was trying.

Unfortunately, for all her trying, nothing would be resolved today. There was nothing to resolve. It was kind of a cop out.

Shin wanted to say or do something to change the subject. Sure, Kealey had insights. Sure, she was amazing, and she could see what he was going through, and get it better than he might, and she was amazing, but... this had been a bad idea.

Kealey'd been quiet. Shin, too, spoke quietly. It was a good tone. "I'm sorry. I'm probably a mess now. When I get like this, I'm all mixed up and indecisive. I hate it. All I can think of right now is how bad it was, but I don't want to. I want to think of happy things. Except, I can't, and now we're trying to talk about this, and... sorry." He pushed back the hair that was getting into his eyes, along with some scalp. Hands on head. He didn't know. And what exactly was she talking about, test.

It was almost torture for Kealey to watch and feel what Shin was going through. It was so hard. She wanted to make him feel better, wanted to do something to make that gnawing, festering darkness go somewhere else. The worst part…was that she knew she couldn’t. Kealey knew exactly what Shin was going through and when that dark place had you in its grips it was hard to do something as simple as staring at a wall.

She’d been there. She got it.

Shin spoke, and Kealey could tell he was desperate to change the subject, desperate to get away from what brought all of those memories back. Kealey was supportive, she didn’t usually push. She did what she could to make Shin happy and comfortable. Most of the time. There were times a person had to push someone…because that’s what was right for them…what they needed. Even if they didn’t know it.

Shin apologized, and Kealey ignored it…avoiding the almost painful indecision…and the fact that Shin wanted to talk about anything but this.

”I think it’s a test, because it has to be.” Kealey said, arms still wrapped around her knees as she watched Shin. ”It’s a test to see how people react. How you choose to react. If you’re going to go crazy and buckle, if you’re going to be strong and stoic, if you’re going to go to pieces.” she paused, it was a little rambling….but she was going somewhere.

”It’s a test to see what kind of person you’ll choose to be when you realize that those kinds of things exist in the world.”

Kealey was a happy-go-lucky person, and she was usually a silver lining type. Not now though. Everyone had that place, and everyone knew that sometimes you were just serious.

”It’s hard to figure out what you want…or if you even can deal with it. And it takes a long time.”

She waited for a moment, and shrugged her shoulders, ”I still don’t think I can sometimes.”

"When I first joined the X-men," Shin began. "It had a point. That point got mixed a little, and blended with a billion other points." Like if Georges Seurat and Jackson Pollack had had a lovechild with a Rorschach test. Pointillism, abstract, abstract again... all forming a bigger picture. "I wanted to make a good show, show the world that mutants are good. Something like that. But..." Pained silence. Uncertainly, questioning doubt. "I wanted to do something, not just because of that. There was more. When Full Circle first got burned down, there was more. There. Dealing with the violent anti-mutant rioters. Helping Ghost. Watching her deal with that. Watching everyone deal with it..."

He fell silent for a minute. A long minute. A long searching minute where his mind worked, giving Kealey every hint it could that more was coming. More was coming. And finally, there it was.

"If that was a test... I chose to join the X-men to help people, so that nobody would get hurt. And that's what I did. That doesn't change anything, really. I don't think I'll ever get over the hurt, but..." He looked at Kealey, softly. He was still hurting. "I think I get what you're trying to say."

It was hard. He was trying. It was hard thinking, getting anything into words. He didn't want to dismiss her, and he didn't want to spurn her attempts at helping him, so... he hoped his attempt to put everything into his own words... would help.

Shin didn't want to let her down. He could edit it a million times. Changing the words wouldn't change how he felt. Maybe that's what really mattered. How he felt.

She could feel it. How he felt.

He didn't want to let her down, feeling anything stupid, now. That would be lame. He didn't want to be a creep.

Kealey let him work through everything, let him try to put it all into words. She understood the things he said, wanting to make a difference, wanting to actually do something. It made sense. His motives had been pure, so very pure, exactly what Kealey would expect from Shin. He’d seen things. The Full Circle burning for one…the very image made Kealey’s heart clench a little. Who would do such a thing? The answer was self-supplying. The same kind of people who did all the other nasty things in the world.

Shin had watched them deal with it, and if it had been a test…that’s why he’d joined the X-men. Kealey nodded her head in understanding. She’d kind of done the same thing. She didn’t have the power to make sure people didn’t get hurt…but she could help people when they were hurt. When they were hurting. It was the best she could do.

Kealey knew how hard this was for Shin…how hard each and every word was. He was self-conscious about it all too…in a dark, strange way. She nodded her head.

”I think that’s why it hurts.” Kealey said, with a frown, ”So you don’t ever forget. So that it makes an impression and reminds you every now and then why you’re doing the things that you’re doing.”

She shrugged her shoulders again, remembering a night when she’d watched a ferry sink on TV. ”And in response, all you can do is your best. Learning to be okay with that is the hard part. Someone really smart told me that one time…”

She let it sink in, boy it was hard to stay optimistic when Shin was so down…but now was when he needed her to stick it out. To be there for him like he’d been there for her so solidly.

”And it’s okay to not be okay all the time. That’s why you have people who care about you to help you pick it all up when it all falls apart.”

"Why are you so amazing...?" Shin asked.

Kealey was perfect. A goddess. And like a true goddess, she could read his heart. She could make him feel better. Whatever she'd said, it had helped. Somehow. Things were getting easier. Yes, he couldn't make the memories go away. No, he wouldn't ever forgive or forget. That didn't change the fact that he did and was doing what he'd chosen. That, somehow, somewhere, he was making some sort of difference. Whatever he'd done in Romania had made a difference... and... Kealey'd parroted words he'd said so long ago. All he could do was his best.

He was a blur of motion. Pants and sleeves, tackling into a hug. Shin buried his face on her shoulder. "Thanks." He said, voice muffled. And he meant it. "Can we change the subject now, and go do something happy or something...? Like make brownies..." He meant that, too.

Kealey felt the shift in Shin’s emotions. She felt the dark tightness that had been lodged inside of him release its grip a little bit and she breathed a sigh of relief. He called her amazing and Kealey smiled and shook her head. The compliment was appreciated though…even with everything going on. More though…Kealey was glad that the dam had broke…sunshine was coming through the cracks.

Shin was flying across the hedge maze at her. It was like something out of a nature movie. Kealey got her knees down just in time. Shin hit her and Kealey wrapped her arms around him, holding him tight as he buried his head in her shoulder. This felt good. This was warm and comfortable, not cold and dark and unreachable.

Shin wanted to change the subject, want to make brownies or do something happy. Kealey still held him tight, but nodded her head, ”As long as you promise you’ll talk this stuff out when you’re not okay.” she said.

”I’ve been there…” she started, pulling back slightly, ”Well not..there….but that dark place…I’ve been there. You can tell me. Then we’ll make brownies. Like we’re going to do now.”

"Yeah," Shin said. "I will. I'm glad I have you to listen to me."

Shin paused.

"And remember, if you ever need to talk about your own stuff, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." A small smiled slipped onto his face. It felt like it had been too long since one of those. "Well, except maybe to the kitchen."

He rose, and offered her a hand up.