Except, Lee did have an idea, if in her own way, from her own traumas and difficulties when she was younger. Her life certainly hadn't always been this happy, and easy, and safe. Getting to this point had taken a lot of luck and a lot of hard work.

"Just because life is easier than ever before, doesn't mean it's easier to deal with emotions from the past," Lee murmured. "Believe me, I've tried to convince myself of that."

When Tarin asked if she had seen all of the people, Lee nodded. There had been quite a few, more than enough that it was unbelievable and horrific that no one had stopped what was happening, no one had stepped in.

And those people had decided that not only did Tarin have to endure his phobia, over and over again, but that he had to willingly walk into it himself or else they decided he had failed.

When Lee felt Tarin's arms tighten around her, she leaned in, hugging him tighter again, her head resting against his shoulder.

For a short while, Lee sat there hugging Tarin in silence. "I won't do that again," Lee said, her voice quiet and sincere.

He hadn’t explained himself well. It made sense considering what had just happened and the fact that he was tired and half asleep.

”You’re the only person I’ve ever told.” Tarin said, and that was completely true outside of Dr Rossi who didn’t count.

”And I told you within days.” it hadn’t even seemed difficult to tell the story, in spare details, at the time.

He was calm now, really had been since he had woken up. It was that weird kind of numb calm though, the kind that made it hard to tell if everything was actually okay or if it was on the precipice of anything but okay. Lee was there though and she had seen so much and she hadn’t balked from it at all.

After a bit, Lee said that she would never do that again and Tarin shook his head, ”You didn’t do anything wrong, but good.” he said. Nightmares about the distant past weren’t the only ones he had. “There’s much worse to see.”

That was the really scary part for Tarin…The idea that Lee would see too much. He didn’t have any secrets from Lee, but knowing and seeing were two very different things.

Tarin had said a couple of times in the past that she had been the only one that he had talked about any of this with. Not since he was living through the events, and Lee was sure that Tarin hadn't really ever gone into how he felt.

Well, except for the bits that Tarin had told Dr Rossi. But she had to practically drag every little bit out of him.

"I'm still not sure what makes me so special," Lee started, then paused before continuing. "But as much as I hate what happened, I am glad that you told me."

Tarin really didn't think that she'd done anything wrong by stepping into his nightmare as she had. Though he did think that it was good she woldn't do it again. Because of how much worse they could be.

Lee knew what Tarin was getting at there, she knew the kinds of nightmares he was referring to. "I've seen those kind before, too," Lee finally said, her voice barely above a breath. "I've had those kind before."

Lee wasn’t sure what made her so special? Tarin started to protest the statement, but stopped and thought for a moment first. Why had he been so willing to share so quickly.

”I think initially I was so off balance and such a mess that I just kept saying things then realizing later that I’d said so much…” She was probably going to argue that he’d been a mess. Over and over those first few days Lee had seemed shocked by how “well” he’d handled what had happened in the shop. Tarin knew better. The way he’d handled everything was to just not handle it at all. To avoid thinking about it, acknowledging it as little as possible, and glossing over anything that could remotely be considered a detail. That was going to be fun in Dr. Rossi’s office.

“Besides…you already knew the very worst. The part that I still don’t get is why you tried so hard.” Lee had basically been a full time babysitter for a grown man in crisis those first few days and she’d had absolutely no reason to do so and plenty of reasons to not. Tarin didn’t like to think about what he’d have done if the situation had been reversed…

Lee thought she knew what Tarin was talking about. She’d seen that kind of nightmare before. Hell, she’d had that kind of nightmare before…and she’d willingly taken the risk that it was that kind of dream again to wake him up instead of just letting it happen.

“Maybe it’s because, for whatever reason, you think I’m worth the risk.”

Lee had argued with Tarin in the past about how much of a mess he hadn't been after the merge she'd found him in. At the time she hadn't understood how he had seemed so…okay after all of that.

Since then, Lee had witnessed a number of other times when she would have expected Tarin to react far more strongly than he actually did, such as the day that Robert had punched him.

So Lee supposed that Tarin had been a mess. At least for him. And there had been points in those early days where Tarin had just talked[/i].

And maybe because she had already known the worst. Lee frowned. Yes, she certainly did. Not just from this last merge, but what that spirit had done in the past.

But why had she tried so hard with him after the merge? At the time, Lee didn't think about that, she just did it.

Lee shrugged slightly. "You'd said you had only had one other merge before," Lee ended up saying in explanation. "So I knew you weren't going to be prepared for those. It's still hard when I have those nightmares myself…"

Yeah. There had only been one other. Tarin had been honest there, and comparatively that merge had been nothing, but it had been bad enough. Tarin hadn’t had nightmares after that one, nobody had ended up dead after that one either, but it had been the catalyst of the series of events that ended with him leaving in the middle of the night to hitchhike to New York City.

They’d hashed and rehashed this point, so Tarin didn’t say anything out loud, but Lee choosing to not leave Tarin alone the night in Central Park had saved his life. If, at any point, he’d have been alone long enough, he’d be dead right now and nothing that had happened over the last several months would have ever happened.

Even if she’d waited and let him go after the trip to the Empire State Building, when it had seemed like everything was ok, Tarin didn’t know what would have happened if he’d had the first nightmare and been alone. Without her there. They’d practically been strangers and Lee had held him in the dark and comforted him like someone would a child.

“I had only had one, and wouldn’t have known what to expect…” he confirmed.

And Lee had known how hard it was for her, so she’d just helped because she could. Helped an almost complete stranger. An almost complete stranger whose circumstances brought up difficult things for Lee. An almost complete stranger she knew could be potentially dangerous and had caused her physical harm.

Lee didn’t like to think about it as fate or anything like it because of the implications of thinking that way. If it hadn’t been any of those things…Tarin shook his head slightly. Lee would never take the credit he thought she deserved.

“Anything else?” he asked, feeling like he owed at least that much to Lee after everything that night.

Tarin confirmed that he wouldn't have known what to expect from that first nightmare. From the nightmares in general. And while Lee could only guess what it was that Tarin saw in those nightmares as the memories came back, she knew it was bad. She'd seen the body, despite her attempts to not look at it that night. She still very clearly remembered the bedroom even all these years later. The sight, the smell, the taste.

Lee closed her eyes, pressing her head into Tarin's shoulder trying to swallow the wave of nausea that the memories brought on.

There was so much more. The real question was whether the words would actually be able to come out.

Lee took a breath, but otherwise didn't move. "That spirit had taught me that I had to get better at my people radar," Lee told Tarin after another moment. "But after what it had done, what that bastard had wanted to do, tried to do to me…I couldn't just leave you to deal with it all on your own."

When Tarin asked his question, Lee pressed her head more tightly into Tarin’s shoulder and he frowned over her head and tightened his arms just a bit. What…?

Lee started talking and Tarin realized that they’d gotten wires crossed somewhere, that Lee hadn’t realized that Tarin hadn’t been asking for more details about why she’d wanted to help him. That he’d kind of been trying to steer them away from this exact topic of conversation and back to the dream he could handle.

This was hard for Lee to talk about though, really hard and Tarin wasn’t going to interrupt her just because his heart was starting to race a little bit. Just because he had at least a vague idea of what Lee was talking about because he’d woken up in the cold, wet grass in Central Park. Because he’d watched from inside his own head in the shop while that spirit had tried to get the upper hand against Lee again. It had known Lee and she’d been so confident that night. It had been like she was waiting for the twist.

”What happened?” Tarin asked, voice far more confident than he felt, ”You can tell me if you want.”

Normally, Lee would have taken a deep breath and shoved these thoughts, these memories away. Out of the way until Tarin had fallen asleep. Then, and only then, if the memories decided they didn't want to stay buried, she would have gone to her room, or had a shower, and would have cried until she was able to bury it all again.

But Tarin kept telling her that she didn't have to do everything, deal with everything, on her own anymore. That's what this was, wasn't it? Telling Tarin about this would be her not trying to deal with all of it on her own, right?

Lee had to swallow the lump that had formed in her throat before she could speak. "The last one was in the bedroom," Lee said vaguely. Tarin would know what 'one' she was talking about without either of them having to think about those details.

"We weren't together at the time," Lee continued. "The spirit was hiding in his head. I siphoned until he passed out twice without the spirit showing itself. But then he woke up sooner than I would have expected, and he had more energy than he should have had, and I realized I was able to sense at least some extra energy from the spirit when they were merged."

"I thought the spirit had finally come out, and I didn't want it to hide again because that hadn't gotten rid of it yet."

"I was confident with being able to tell where he was, so I broke the cuffs that were holding him to the chair."

Lee paused, her eyes still closed in the dark room. "And I did know exactly where he was. But I forgot about the fact that the arms could reach out from where I felt the body's energy. He grabbed me by the hair." Lee's voice cracked slightly here. "And dragged me across the kitchen for a knife…"

Tarin had said over and over again that Lee didn’t have to deal with this sort of thing on her own. That she should share the load and talk to him when something was hard. Let him help.

This…was definitely hard.

The last time. The time before. Lee wasn’t talking about him she was talking about the other Tarin. That made things easier, he could isolate the two. Separate them in his head.

It had happened in the bedroom.

All of it? Somehow that was worse. That was how Lee had gotten so good at cleaning things up. They’d talked about how she’d done it before and this last time had been no exception.

Lee kept talking, explaining what had happened. They hadn’t been together but Lee had been there? From there the story that Lee told sounded chillingly familiar. Of course it did, this was how Lee had known exactly what to do when she had found him.

The spirit had been smart that time too though and it had laid in wait. It had watched and looked for any weak spot, just like it had that night in the shop. Lee had made the tiniest mistake…

Lee’s voice cracked as she explained what had happened and Tarin completely stopped caring about what he felt about the whole thing. It just stopped mattering to him. This wasn’t about him. This was about Lee.

The spirit had grabbed her by the hair and drug her to the kitchen for a knife. Flashes of the night in the park surfaced and Tarin shuddered at what might have happened.

Tarin couldn’t hold Lee much tighter without actively squeezing her, but he moved his hands slowly up and down her back. ”And you had stop him.” Tarin said softly. ”You had to be the one to fight.”

Just like she had that night.

Lee nodded against Tarin's shoulder even as she felt tears welling up behind her eyelids. She'd had to fight. She had been the only one who could. If she hadn't thought tooth and nail, she wouldn't be here.

"It doesn't really matter how strong or fast you are when you're being dragged backwards by your hair," Lee continued, her voice quiet. "I was so lucky…it was a crappy, old apartment. The drawer came completely out, dumping everything on the floor, and I managed to elbow him in the face right as he was bending to grab a knife."

So lucky, Lee knew. If it hadn't been for that, all of the knives falling out of reach and a perfectly timed elbow, Lee was well aware she wouldn't have survived.

"I grabbed him by the throat and moved away from the knives. He…the spirit, said that he wasn't going to leave. It said I'd have to kill him to end the merge…I took so much energy I was scared I might have…"

Lee continued telling her story and Tarin’s teeth clenched as he listened to the details of the absolute horror show that she had lived. The fight sounded brutal, and even though she’d had more than enough energy, more than enough strength and speed, she hadn’t been able to fight back because of the hand in her hair.

Lee had been the one who’d had to fight, and she had fought. She’d won. She’d gotten the upper hand and the spirit by the throat of the body it had taken over and she’d gone further and taken more energy than she ever had before.

”And then you had to stay there and wait. Awake. Not knowing if it had worked.” Tarin said, shaking his head as he held Lee.

God, how awful had that been? How had she ever gotten past it? How had she managed, ”It had to be so hard.”

Again, Lee nodded against Tarin's shoulder. That's exactly what she had had to do. Because while she thought she had gotten rid of the spirit, there was no way that Lee was going to leave after all of that without knowing for sure.

If she had just left at that point without being one hundred percent sure, she may as well have not shown up.

" It had to be so hard.”

The tears that had been welling up had spilled over by this point, slowly running down Lee's cheeks as she sat there holding onto Tarin almost as though he were a life preserver.

"I wasn't even touching people after the camps at that point," Lee whispered. "Do you know how hard it is to pay in cash without touching the other person? Only to end up with all that…"

Lee was crying, Tarin could tell without even being able to see her. He felt awful. Sick to his stomach at the thought of what Lee had endured, what she’d had to take care of. The position she’d been required to put herself in.

At that point, Lee had still been recovering from the camps. Unable to touch people because of what had happened there, but she’d shown up. She’d done this.

Lee’s example about paying cash and avoiding touch only to have to endure and deal with the merge made something twist in Tarin’s chest, even as Lee clung to him and he held her back. His hands still moved in slow circles, and Tarin desperately tried to wrap his head around everything, what it meant, and what he could say to help.

”I don’t know, but I can imagine.” he said, ”And I don’t know what to say because I know you’d have never done anything but what you did, but I really wish you hadn’t had to.” he added softly, just letting Lee cry or talk or whatever she needed to do.

”I’m sorry you had to do it again…” Tarin said after a few minutes because it just seemed so wrong that he’d caused her to have to go through that again. So help him, if he ever crossed sparks with that spirit again, Tarin would be ready.

Of course it would have been best if she had never had to do that, had never had to see or live through that. But if she hadn't, Lee's entire life would be different. Because if she hadn't shown up to end the merge, Rupert would have done it. And while that would have saved Lee a lot of pain and heartache, she would have missed out on so much. She would have missed out on things that she hadn't even thought were possible for her.

Then Tarin was apologizing for her having to go through it again. Finally pulling back, just enough so that she was able to look up at Tarin, Lee shook her head. "It definitely wasn't good, but I'm glad that I was able to," she told him as she looked up into his eyes. Her own eyes, and cheeks, were still wet from the tears as Lee hadn't unwrapped her arms from around Tarin.

"I think it might have actually been easier because I didn't know you at the time. But even without really knowing you, I could tell that you were you again because of your eyes…"