”Remember how surprised I was that it hadn't happened before with everything that was done to you?” Lee asked, her voice still quiet but not quite as gentle as it had been because of what she was talking about. ”Honestly, Tarin, it makes more sense than this being the first ever time.”

“I’m just glad that it never actually happened so you didn’t realize it before now.

”You…were afraid to scare me? You mean…you…?”

Lee couldn’t help the small smile from coming to her face as she heard Tarin’s words, his tone. ”With how you are about your emotions? Yeah, I was definitely worried that it would scare you or freak you out if I actually said that I love you. That’s why I didn’t say it before today.”

”It’s like…” Tarin said, trying to wrap his head around how to explain. Lee hadn’t asked, but he felt like she needed to know what had been going through his head. ” I used to think it was a desperate sort of daydream, like a wish to be something stronger so it would stop…”

Lee kept talking and Tarin looked a way for a minute and shook his head, ”I wouldn’t be here if it had.” he said with quiet certainty. With as catastrophic as a merge was, there were only a couple of ways that ended in his past and neither of them was with him on this side of the rift. ”So I’m glad too.”

Tarin stil wasn’t okay, but he was far less…bleak than when they’d been walking. It had all been nonsense, but the blithering and babbling had helped. Hearing Lee repeat essentially the same things over and over…had helped.

Hearing her explain that she’d held back on tell him him that she loved him…really helped. At least for now.

”But you wanted to? he said, unable to keep the smallest hint of a smile off his face, ”And what do you mean ‘how I am with my emotions’?” Compared to most, he was an emotional open book to Lee.

She hadn’t asked, but Tarin started telling her what he had thought the feeling of a merge coming on had been when he was younger. When it had happened during his immersion training. He’d wanted to be stronger, to be able to get out of the confined space he’d been stuck in.

He’d never really explained to her the thoughts or feelings he’d had before a merge, but Lee thought about what they might have been now.

She was sure that in Texas he would have wanted to be stronger and tougher after having been beaten by the football team. And that had definitely become the case as a truck had been totalled when it hit the merged being.

During the breakout, at least subconsciously, Lee had wanted to get back at the guards for all of the times they had hurt her, they had caused her to be shocked by the collar, and they had turned into a being that could draw in energy which it shot at the guards.

In Times Square, Lee thought that he must have wanted to get away, to make it all go away. And he had turned into something that nearly burned down that entire section of the square.

In Romania…

This was definitely something she would have to come back to later. Lee didn’t think Tarin was in the right headspace to go this in depth about it, and Lee wanted to think it through more first.

But when Tarin continued, and stated he wouldn’t be there if a merge had happened one of those times…Lee felt a painful twist in her chest. If it had happened during that training…Lee hated the thought that someone would have ended the ‘threat’ from SUPER, even if the merge had ended up being harmless. As unlikely as that was.

”Of course I wanted to, Tarin,” Lee told him with a little smile of her own as she bit her lip. Though the smile faltered slightly when he asked what she meant about his emotions.

Lee shrugged slightly. ”With how you seem to try to not show your emotions to anyone,” Lee tried to explain. ”Because of how you tried to not have feelings for anyone for so many years. And just because I knew - well, I was pretty damn sure - that you loved me, that didn’t mean you had accepted it, or even actually realized it…”

Tarin could almost see Lee thinking as he explained what had gone on in his head when the merge had initiated. He wondered what she was thinking, but he couldn’t ask her, he wasn’t sure that he wanted to know what she was thinking or if there was more she wanted to know.

And Lee had wanted to say she loved him sooner, but had been afraid to do so because of how he was. How he tried to hide things. She’d thought he felt the same way, but had been afraid he didn’t realize it.

”I don’t try to do that..” Tarin said, ”It’s just..default.” it had to be. ”For the longest time I was way worse.” he said. ”It’s easier with you…even if I’m bad at it.” he said, looking down at Lee, ”I think I’d have been relieved though, I’d decided to tell you soon…I just was worried you didn’t feel the same way, that it was too soon.” Tarin admitted quietly.

They were still standing in the entryway and while he wasn’t badly injured, Tarin hurt pretty much everywhere. Now that he had calmed down, he was aware of it, and how filthy he still was.

”I…think I need a shower.” he said a few moments later, knowing it was an awkward way to end the discussion, but they couldn’t stand in the entryway forever.

Lee smiled up at Tarin as he explained that it has been worse in the past, that it was easier for him to express his emotions with her. ”I know,” she whispered as she looked up at him. ”I’ve seen you opening up, showing me, at least, more…”

But he'd been worried that she hadn't felt the same way, and that it was too soon. Lee shook her head as she squeezed his hand again. ”Others might think it's too soon,” Lee murmured. ”I definitely don't. But it also feels like we've been together so much longer than two months.

“I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner,” she continued. ”But I was fine, content, to wait until you were ready. There was no rush.”

He needed a shower? Lee couldn't stop herself from laughing at that comment. Taking a moment to look him over, she nodded. ”You most certainly do,” Lee agreed as she looked back up to Tarin's eyes. ”Did you want company?”

”How could I not?” Tarin said, shaking his head whene Lee said she’d seen him opening up, ”I told you things within 36 hours of meeting you that I’d never told another soul..” Tarin sighed a little, ”And it helps…the talking…I know you don’t like to hear it, but it helps.” It really did. In a sick way, Lee could understand what had happened to him in a way that most people couldn’t. ”I never thought I could tell anyone, who would believe it?”

Initially there’d been an almost forced intimacy between them. The situation had necessitated it, and they’d both done what they’d had to do. For Tarin though, it had never stopped. If he thought about it too hard, it felt kind of effed up, but if Lee had wanted to wash her hands of him at any point, Tarin knew he’d have backed off. Even after he’d been okay, she’d been so open and…and…her that he’d never stood a chance.

Tarin had to nod when Lee said it seemed like they’d been together so much longer than they actually had. It was like that for him too, but he had to wonder if it had something to do with who he was. Lee wouldn’t have done it intentionally, but Tarin still had to wonder and that uncertainty was an uncomfortable thing.

As for waiting, Lee apologized and Tarin shook his head. There was really nothing to apologize for. ”I thought the same thing, what was the rush?” . He paused for a second and took a deep breath, hoping he wasn’t getting himself in trouble all over again, ”I really do get it now though.” he said, kind of looking past Lee as he thought, ”All of a sudden I had this choice, and it wasn’t even a choice. I’m sorry too, but I just realized in that split second that I didn’t want you to ever wonder.”

A few moments later, after a thorough once over, Lee declared that Tarin did indeed need a shower. Looking down at himself, Tarin sighed a bit, his clothes were snagged and torn and stained. Ruined. It was tempting to just get in the shower fully clothed and toss everything when he was done.

Then Lee asked if he wanted company.

On one hand, yes. Absolutely yes. He always wanted Lee’s company, especially in the shower.

On the other hand, just standing there and not doing anything, Tarin wasn’t sure he could count on both hands the places that he hurt.

”I would not say no to some help…” he finally said, when he realized he’d been standing there and trying to decide for far too long. What ‘help’ meant or looked like? They’d just have to see.

”Of course I don't like what I hear,” Lee said softly. ”i don't think anyone would be happy to hear any of the things that either of us have been through.

“But you know, after those first days, you didn't have to keep sharing. I'm glad you did, though.”

But then he went on to apologize himself. And say that he hadn’t wanted her to ever wonder, just in case. Lee gave a sad little smile before stretching up to kiss him. ”I don’t think I would have,” Lee whispered. ”But thank you.”

She’d asked if he wanted company in the shower, she did need one as well, but his answer wasn’t exactly what she’d been expecting. If Lee was being completely honest, she was expecting either eager agreement, or Tarin wanting to be alone. Not a delayed response about help being appreciated.

Lee simply nodded at first. ”Good,” she ended up saying, releasing one hand so they could walk to the bathroom. ”Because I did still want to check you over more closely.”