“Cheating?” Tez said as the messy eater loomed up out of the snow and trees. He scrunched his face up and shook his head. “Nah, that can’t be right. I think the cheaters are the ones going around shooting people.” But he shrugged. “If it makes you feel better though, I can tag ‘em with my eyes shut. So I’d have to hunt for them blindly, kinda.”

And Tez proceeded to do just that, blindly reaching his hand out. He felt one hand hit him (probably Juniper) and then two more hands. Tez opened his eyes. “Okay, we’re all done. I tagged ‘em all and--holdup!” Tez cut himself off as he swiveled his head around. Stupidface was aiming a gun at Juniper.

Now that wasn’t cool. Even if he knew bullets didn’t bother her. Still, some things were just a matter of principle. He kneed Mister Ed and the horse whinnied and quickly turned around. It was time for Dumb-Man to take a time out. He manifested another light and…

He blinked. Right. His pockets were full. No more acquiring new things. Welp, no time to swap things out. A red ball appeared in his hand and he chucked it in a quick fastball over Juniper’s shoulder right at the dude’s face. Right before it would’ve struck, it flashed and the giant, massive crystal chandelier exploded into existence, pushing and scraping and otherwise shoving away anything that would’ve previously occupied the space.

“You don’t get to call my friend an imbecile,” Tez scoffed. “Only I get to do that.”

The man vanished beneath the press of the chandelier in a wail of squeaking and broken glass.

Well. Now that that was taken care of—

A moment later, a blur of darkness flapped away from where the chandelier had fallen. It swirled in the air, like a living cloud, then reformed several feet away.

“Imbecile.” Smithers muttered, glibly. He pronounced it imm beh sigh ull. And he was untouched. He had reformed. From the cloud. The very rubbery looking cloud.

Elliott had been tagged, but he hadn’t vanished as he had expected would happen. Like with the kid. Just a high five. So, he saw all of that.

“Freaking bat cloud kawarimi. Are you serious.” He deadpanned.

“Kawa...” Bella trailed.

“Kawarimi no Jutsu is a basic Ninjutsu technique. When in danger the ninja will quickly substitute themself with another nearby object. This can be a block of Wood or even another person. This allows the ninja to quickly flee and hide while the original object takes the brunt of their opponents attack.” Smithers sighed. “Except, in this case. I turned into bats.”

“Um. Wow.” Elliott blinked. “You’re a freaking nerd.”

“When you have centuries to kill, you occasionally watch—“

“Naruto.”

“Strange things...” Smithers finished, peeved. “And I seem to recall you starting this conversation about the art of substitution.”

“Yeah, well. You have blood on your chin.”

“Oh no! Jacob! You —“

Elliott wasn’t sure whether he’d temporarily gone deaf, or she had just streamed one long trail of beeeeeep, or she had been censored, or what. Next thing he knew, Bella was literally flying at the British man, a crackling ball of electricity cupped in her palm.

Smithers eyes flashed. Bella stopped short. But the act of him using his sway on the woman broke his concentration elsewhere. Also, Elliott chose that moment to take a running jump 30 feet and land a kick on his face. No bats, this time. Smithers went sailing, end over end.

He got to his feet a moment later, covered in snow and mud. There was a large black bruise on his right cheek. Otherwise, he seemed fine. He dusted himself off briefly, then flicked his wrist towards Tez. The girl turned, and rushed him with the crackling ball of lightning.

Elliott felt a little winded from the super kick. Couldnt do too many of those a day. It had been a real whammy. And Smithers had shrugged it off for the most part, in true boss battle fashion.

“Juniper. The only way we’re gonna beat him is if we all team up!! You go left and I’ll go right! Avoid his eyes!!”

He took off in a sprint a moment later, matching action to words.

The trance broke and Smithers was suddenly replaced with a chandelier in front of her. She jerked as her senses came back to her fully.

"Whuthuh?"

She didn't know what had happened, or that she'd missed a small sassy conversation about Naruto... which she had only just started to get into like the week before.

Elliott shouted at her. She spun on her heels dizzily. Oh... there was Smithy. Was Bella trying to attack Zek?

"Wha-"

GO LEFT.

She went left. Avoid his eyes? Huh?

She started sprinting but wasn't nearly as fast as Elliott even with most of her weight gone. It came back to her in chunks, then.

Smithers. She'd looked at him while going over there to like, punch him or something, and then she'd blanked out. It was all fuzzy. Had he pointed his gun at her? She could swear he'd-

Elliott was going to get to him first, so Smithers turned to face him. Alongside his ability to turn into bats and control people via his eyes, he was also ridiculously strong for an old man. A super buff mummy, without the physique or the wrappings.

He went to engage with Elliot, maybe throw some super-powered hits of his own.

He took his eyes off of her. Bad move.

Juniper kept running at him, straight for his back. He clearly didn't think very much of her because he didn't even turn to look as she got close.

Can you imagine his surprise when she ran into him?

She turned and fused her butt into his middle, and then took her sweet time getting her feet into his feet like weird boots, her hands into his arms, and then sliding them up as best she could like human gloves.

Oh, smithers didn't like that.

"Will you stop- urk- WIGGLING?! You're making this super hard!"

He tried turning into a flurry of bats, but parts of him were fused with her and he got pulled back like a stretched rubber band. All he could do was struggle with the various parts of him she'd left whole, which wasn't much. A lot of it was shoved over in Limbo where it couldn't do much harm.

"Can you get some- Ack! I don't bend that way!- Get a good angle on him, Elliott?!" Smithers was trying to wrench one of his arms away, and pulling hers awkwardly back in doing so. With her stuck inside of him, he couldn't really do much to defend himself.

"Don't worry about me! You can't hurt me!"

... Probably?

Tez smiled murderously as he made another ball. Sure the chandelier had probably greatly depreciated in value now, covered in blood and stuff, but it was still shiny so would probably still go for something and what the heck! Dumbface was now standing elsewhere, completely uncrushed.

No. Fair! Kinda awesome. But mostly just no fair and Tez hated the guy. Who knew the guy could turn into bats?! What kind of a gimmick was that? Now granted, Tez really wished he could also turn into bats because of course that’s something that would be cool, and now he hated this guy for having a power Tez himself didn’t have.

Okay. Time for this guy to die.

He cocked the ball back to throw at the geezer (who knew all kinds of weird Greek stuff that the running guy also knew about) but then the witch came charging by with a ball of energy of her own, but then she started after Tez instead.

“Yipe!” he said as she brought her hands up in his direction. His eyes grew wide and he slammed his ball into Mister Ed’s neck. The horse vanished and Tez immediately started falling, just in time for a bolt of electricity to scorch by overhead.

It nearly singed his hair.

Did this witch even know how long it took him to get it looking this good?!?!

Fresh fury surged in Tez’s veins. “Diiieeeee!” he shouted, landed on his feet and lunging at her. He had to abort quickly because she flung another bolt at him. And as he slid in the mud and snow, he realized he was out of balls.

“Sorry Juniper!” he shouted as scarlet light blossomed in his palms before quickly turning into the two giant floaties. He held them up and closed his eyes just as a third bolt struck.

And nothing.

Tez opened his eyes.

He looked at the plastic, insulating horsies in his hands. “Heh. Heh heh. Heheheheheh!” He started to chuckle. “HEHEHEEHEEHEEHEE!”

The witch just fired another bolt. Tez blocked it with his horsie shields. Then it was his turn. He sprinted across the space between them like a running dashing to home and whacked the woman bodily with both massive floaties. It probably didn’t hurt her, unless she was like, super fragile, but it was enough to momentarily distract her and let Tez get in close.

He dropped the unicorn and smashed a ball into the witch’s stomach. “Tag. You’re it,” Tez said with burning glee as she flashed away.

“...wait, no, I already got her. Dangit. Oh well, I’m still winning.”

Then he turned around so see how the rest of the folks were faring.

He had said go left, and go left, juniper did.

The man turned towards him, took his eyes off her. Just as Elliott had planned. Well, really, he had planned it to go either way. Smithers could have focused on her as easily as he had focused on him. But this way, Elliott could duck a punch, hop an attempt to sweep the leg, and dodge roll to one side, out of the path of a follow up roundhouse kick straight out of one of the most recent MMA bouts he’d watched on pay-per-view. Dang, Smithers had moves.

After a long time of living, anyone could learn to kick like that. Given the energy and inclination. Or you could sit on your fine ass eating Cheetos and watching Scrubs.

Juniper broke Smithers c-c-combo, by— vanishing... into him?

Elliott took a step back.

Wait, what? When had she been able to do that?!

Course, he had no clear idea what she could actually do, aside from
Imbibe cocoa. So...

The man tried to battify, but he was batting poorly. A swing and a miss, but the whole attempt was absolutely fascinating to watch!

From the ground, Elliott commented: “You should have sold us popcorn. For the show.”

>> "Can you get some- Ack! I don't bend that way!- Get a good angle on him, Elliott?!"

He tuned back in to the battle. “What, yeah? Uh, of course!”

So they were going to do it THAT way, huh?

>> "Don't worry about me! You can't hurt me!" She said. Which was good advice. Because he’d figured Smithers would love the anime reference here, seeing as he loved anime. And—

“This is just like when Shikamaru uses his shadow jutsu to pin someone in place so his other friends can beat the crap out of—“

Smithers caught none of it. His mind had reduced his field of vision to red and his sense of hearing to long drawn out internal high pitched screams.

The green man ran at him. Jumped. The kick sailed straight into the old man’s head. And— snap— the head turned like an owl’s head, so that it was facing the wrong way.

Elliott felt like Urkel in Family matters, as he landed several feet away, turned, stared at what he had wrought, and asked : “Did I do that?”

It would have been super cute if he’d posed while stating the legendary line. A glance over his shoulder, a finger to his lips. A look like “ooh my~”, but no. He just glanced over his shoulder, one knee on the ground, the other stretched out in the superhero landing pose. Ready to get back up and try again.

Had he just— no. Smithers was— moving. Twitching. His head, it turned... back around. Towards him. Then towards Tez.

Elliott supposed the man had enough control over his body to do that. Creepy, but wait. I hat did that mean for Juniper? Hopefully she had not... like... died, or something.

Smithers, the man who had stolen Tez’s name, blinked at him, having stolen his snappy neck bit, too.

British accent thick, he said: “Um. Yeah. I think we are done here. You all win. Let’s go play in the pool...”

He was wiped. Getting your head spun really takes it out of you.

Elliott was tired, too.



Hey where was Bella?

"Oh god, Spoilers! I've barely even started that anime!" She panicked, like a good little growing weeb. Shikamaru did what?! But he was the lazy know it all!

From her position, she couldn't really see what Elliot had planned, and what with all of Flanders' flailing around right at first it was hard to see what anyone else was doing for that matter.

Then there was an impact, which jolted the body she was currently half-inhabiting, and Smither's much taller frame bent back a little. Her head and upper shoulders were still poked out of his back, which mean she had a perfect viewing of Elliot landing and turning back, and if he had gone with the gesture and catchphrase it would have been pretty hilarious, even if she didn't know what he was referencing.

"Oh hey, you-"

She looked up. Smithers was looking down at her, and boy did he look just so done with them.

"EWWW."

She'd seen Zek twist his neck more than a normal person could, but not like... to that degree, or with that wrong looking angle. Also, was this dude dead now? Was she wearing a corpse? Gross!

He started moving again before she could yank herself out, and she re-solidified herself inside of him at the key points. She was anticipating a new attack or something, not.. uh.... him throwing in the towel?

".... That sounds like a trap," Juniper replied helpfully, "I vote we fuse him to a tree and leave him. Or splash him with holy water. Oh! Anyone a priest? Can we like, bless the pool and push him in?"

"Really, that's just childish." Smithers groused.

"Your face is childish!"

Turns out, the others were doing just fine. Kinda.

Juniper was merged into Stupidface but he figured she was okay. Dumbface probably wasn’t though. The running guy looked like he’d been exerting himself a lot. But at least Uglyman was dead now so all’s well that ended welllllll hello! The dude’s….neck...twisted! Back and forth!

Tez couldn’t even get any words out. His face twisted up in sheer irritation. Firs the name, now the neck? What next? Was this guy going to suddenly have fantastic hair and a snappy sense of style?! Wait, on second glance, probably not. But still! He might end up with a blue tongue!

“I agree,” Tez said immediately after Juniper made her suggestions. “I’m just a Level 2 Acoylte of the Church of the Celestial Orb, so I have four more levels before I can bless water, even with the presence of an Emerald Visitor from the Heavens,” he nodded at the green dude. “But I have something better!”

He marched up to the Juniper-induced Siamese horror and put a hand over their heads. A red ball appeared and then flashed out to become an upside-down giant cup of still-very-hot-and-nearly-scalding chocolate. The ceramic cup crashed onto the man’s head and the liquid began cascading down his face and upper torso.

“There, you wanted to be me so badly, you can have my snacks, too! For I am the one true Hezekiah and don’t you ever forget it!”

Then Zek dropped a ball on the chandelier and started off toward the floaties to gather them up.

A trap? Perhaps. But then, maybe the old man had simply seen the error in his ways and had chosen to move on with his life.

Yeah, right. Elliott had been around enough bad people to know a Tiger does not change its stripes. They can, however, behave with honor. Maybe. For a predator. He had not really been around tigers very often. Maybe that one time?

Nah.

Juniper wanted a holy man and some holy water.

Tez said he was a holy man, of some hokey made up religion. Which put him up there with the pope as far as Elliott was concerned... buuuut he couldn’t bless water because he was also a scrub.

Something better? Elliott paused dusting himself off to look at Tez.

Hot liquid. Ew. Smithers did not look pleased. Even as they watched, though, the burned skin healed itself. It was disgusting and fascinating to watch. Like time lapse videos of... stuff.

As Tez, nee Hezekiah, wandered off, Smithers growled: “I was here first, little pup.”

Elliott stomped up to the old man. “So you got medical staff back at the mansion?” He asked. “Doctors. To see to our friend?”

Phones, he left unsaid, to call the police.

Smithers grunted an affirmative. By now, the hot chocolate burns had healed completely. “Not for me, mind you. But my butler was an army doctor back in the Great War.”

“... so. Hacksaws. Leeches. Yey.” He waggled his arms.

Smithers sighed. Then paused... “little girl. Much as I like this arrangement, can you please get out of me? And my man has kept up with the times. Please. Do not lessen him by comparing him to primitive hack jobs.”

He smiled a little at his pun. Elliott smiled too.


((OOC permission to god mode us to the mansion for whoever wants to progress the scene so we can get my man Eisen out of ball space.))

Were people doing cool stuff and she just couldn't see it? How lame! Smithers was quite a bit bigger than her (most people were) so even craning her head to look was damn near impossible. Zek was on some sort of rant, Elliot was apparently the calm, cool-headed one of the group, with the foresight to ask about Eisen and getting his wounds seen.

Oh.

Duh. That made sense. She supposed that-

"L-LITTLE GIRL!?"

Ah, and the blind rage was back.

~~~

Smithers got his wish of her climbing out of him, but probably not with the end that he had wanted. Instead of leaving him fully alone, she'd just turned herself around and climbed him like a ladder so that she could seat herself on his shoulders and sink her feet and lower legs in his body. That gave him freedom of movement without the possibility of escape, or turning on them, right?

She was also visibly pissed the whole trek back, which on her face just looked like a mix of adorably grouchy and disgruntled sour.

Once they were back inside where there was seating to go around, the very place this had all started no less, she remained seated where she was. The old Bat could try and remove her, but he'd quickly find any such attempts futile. Juniper could be as stubborn as a barnacle on the side of a ship, that had somehow learned how to phase.

"If you murdered glowstick dude, I will permanently fuse your head with something in this room." She started looking around, making up her threat on the fly.

"Like that Urn over there... or that Clock. Or that pillow head. Wanna be a pillow head for the rest of your long life?"

He didn't seem frightened of her threat. More he seemed visibly irritated by the fact she was still stuck in him. A too big parasite that could talk, poorly. Smithers sighed, "You will have to bring your friend out, my man is on his way." He gestured toward a couch.

The butler arrived a moment later in a full-length leather apron, with gloves and a mask on, and a very large doctor's bag in one hand.

Zek was sprawled on top of the grand piano in the room. His muddy boots had left a trail all the way through the house up to the piano and he was making sure to get it nice and scuffed up by rolling around. He might’ve even stepped on the keys when he was climbing on top of it and just kept sticking his tongue out at Buttface. The dude wasn’t burned anymore, but that was fine with Zek. He’d said his piece.

Also, he’d been blowing his nose on every piece of cloth he’d passed. You know, allergies or something.

Piled on one of the couches were the two giant floaties, which he had carried there astride Mister Ed once again, the horse very grateful to be walking that time instead of running. But then Zek had vanished him and all his balls were full, so the floaties were staying out. Because Zek was not going to give up the chandelier. He was pretty certain he could find an even better buyer for it now. It was modern art or something. Decline of Decadence or whatever.

And then the butler appeared in a really cool getup. “Oh hey, I have an apron just like that!” he said, respect showing in his eyes. But the respect vanished and he smirked. The dude’s bag was so tiny though. Zek’s was way bigger.

Suddenly everyone was concerned about the guy Zek had vanished. Nobody seemed to care about the witch though. “No problem,” Zek said, lazily lobbing a bright red light at an indicated couch. It vanished in a flash and then Pantless Wonder appeared, in the exact same state he had been in earlier.

“So time for the pool party, huh?” Like, that’s what they were all there for, huh?

The cold, the dark, the aching feeling of wanting to puke but holding onto his spleen for dear life; all of the above landed in Eisen’s consciousness like a cruise from the Bahamas on American soil, if one’s experience with the Bahamas could be compared to the experience of bat people clawing at you as you fought for dear life.

“THE HORROR!” The three syllables erupted out of Eisen’s exhausted diaphragm like a delayed line from a stressed-out understudy for a family-friendly drama. Cold grass no longer hugged his back nor was he surrounded by figures in the evening light, bickering about survival. Instead, Eisen gawked at a silver-haired butler’s overgrown nose hairs as he leaned over him to patch an owie on Eisen’s head.

“Oh please. Don’t be so dramatic.” The butler retorted, trying not to sound insulted but Eisen, even in all the pain he was enduring for the sake of survival, could sense the insult in his voice. He was self-conscious about his nose-hairs. Ha. Hahaha. Ha. The butler then dabbed his way down Eisen’s face and arms with a warm cloth and ointment.

As Eisen’s vision solidified and adjusted to the now warm light accompanied by the chatter of his companions, he leaned into the feeling of getting felt up by an old man and breathed a sigh of relief. Hell yeah?! I’m not dead!

He began to make whooping noises in celebration, which the butler interrupted with a gentle cushioning of his elbow against Eisen’s lips.

“Wheeah!” Cushion. “Whoopie!” Cushion. “Mmmmhm. Ohh yeah!” Cushion.

“He’s suffering from a certain poison’s adverse effects.” The butler forced this explanation upon whoever came by to check up on Eisen as he made the noises.

Eisen knew Butler was enjoying this. He began to take off his pants, slowly, revealing his neon pink speedos.

“Please, sir. Cease all movement until I have finished your treatment.” The butler pulled Eisen’s pants up for him, but Eisen insisted.

“I smeeelll chlorine! It’s pooltime!” The events prior to his laying upon the couch began returning to him forcefully. The grasshopper dude crashing through a window. Running and stripping through the mansion. A Herculean gargoyle’s ass and a shotgun. Three mad bats. A delayed pool party.

“Oh sh*t! Did we win?” Eisen shot up and he was met with a forceful backhand by the butler. Then out as a light he went again.

Later he’d awaken on some foldable beach chair with a hawaiian t-shirt, shades, his speedo in full view, a mimosa on the table beside him and a couple bandages on his arms and face. But right now, it was nighty night til the Butler finished his thang.

Elliott looked away for one second, next thing he knew, juniper’s seat was on the vampire’s shoulders.

Smithers sighed again, and pointedly did not make any further comments. Even though Elliott could read them plain as the nose on his face.

He skipped making them as well! He just turned, and said “okay!”

They left.

Back at the mansion, juniper found a real chair. Zek found a piano. Just kidding about juniper finding a real chair, though! She stayed put.

“If you murdered glow stick dude,” she threatened him. Bodily and spiritually.

He did not rise to the threat. He merely told her what she needed to hear, and gestured to the couch. For her friend, obviously, because she remained seated.

The man arrived. Smithers continued to pointedly ignore all and any rudeness directed his way, or to his property.

Children. They were children.

The boy returned the pantsless boy to them. And the butler got to work.

Elliott whistled to himself and looked around, rubbernecking like a fool. Eisen was delirious. Poisoned. Then he was unconscious. Had the butler hit him? Well. Whatever.

The butler did it, whatever it was. What was required to keep Eisen atop this mortal coil. While he was working, the man they’d thought dead wandered into the room. He looked around, perfectly fine. Maybe a little bruised. Then asked where his wife was. While that was happening, Smithers finally reached his tipping point.

He glanced up at the woman astride him and actually said it. “You know, some people pay good money for such things.” He said dryly.

“Holy shit.” Elliott said out loud. Whether it was for the man or the comment, it was not clear.

“Where is she?” He repeated, louder. Noticed Eisen. Said “oh hey. He isn’t dead? Cool. Hey butler dude why are you feeling him up and trying to use normal medicine when you have that glowing hand thing that healed me and the imps?”

The butler eyed him. Said nothing. Flexed a glowing hand. Casually doused Eisen in healing light.

So nobody had died at all, Elliott wondered. Wow what a ripoff.