It was weird talking about his problems, it was weirder he was doing it willingly and it was even more odd he was sober. Yes, he had been dry for a few weeks now, despite being surrounded by it constantly. It helped he could see regulars stumble in with hangovers; those were one of the few things he didn’t miss about drinking.

Up righting himself in the chair he grabbed his right side and let out a little grunt of pain. Sam cracked his rib recently in a fight and felt it wasn’t bad enough to go see the Doc. Despite being dry Doc still gave him a hard time about needing healing all the time. The pain in Sam’s opinion was something that kept him aware of his surroundings the last thing he wanted to do was have to stab himself again if he saw Alexandria. Yes, he was still afraid to run into his real ex-girlfriend who had also played the role of his not-real wife over countless life times. That fear of his was something he still didn’t have the courage to discuss.

As usual Sam tried to direct the conversation towards Gemma. Anything was a good distraction so he didn’t have to talk about himself. ”So… congrats on the marriage. How’s our boy Jorge handling it?” Sam asked as he smiling to Gemma.

Sam had been back and around for a while now, and from Gemma could tell, he had been doing well. All things considered. Less booze (at least when anyone was looking), and a decent attitude. Gemma didn't quite expect him to show up to talk beyond the common courtesies. In fact, she was surprised when he came to her office, shortly after her honeymoon with Jorge. News got around fast, but she had the sneaking suspicion that Sam did not only come to her to congratulate her, even if he was trying to make it look otherwise.

>>”So… congrats on the marriage. How’s our boy Jorge handling it?”

"Like a champ" Gemma smirked, not missing the wince in Sam's movements "DocProf still grumpy about healing battle wounds, I take?"

Sam nodded his head and gave a slight head tilt instead of a should shrug, the shrug simply hurt to do so he avoided it for now. ”Glad to hear, and yeah.
“ Sam smirked, ”he keeps insisting that I keep asking for trouble.” Sam added, Doc wasn’t exactly wrong but Sam did for the most part try to avoid getting hit. It made life difficult being broken or injured.

”I stopped drinking, month dry. Want to but… preventing me from getting things done. Healing included. Figure it was time I’d stop feeling sorry for myself and what I seen.” Sam tapped his head slightly around the temple if it would help illuminate what he meant. He wasn’t crazy he knew that, just had a hard time differentiating what was real and what wasn’t sometimes. Hence the main reason he was talking to Gemma. Sam knew he needed some help, or at least advice.

”I saw her again, she was real this time. Alexandra.” Sam said knowing Gemma had a brief understanding of what he had gone through and why he justified being the way he was now. Intentinally or not.

>>”Glad to hear, and yeah. He keeps insisting that I keep asking for trouble.”

"He tends to do that" Gemma nodded with a small smile. Sam was not the only member of the X-team who had trouble convincing a very grumpy Doc to heal them beyond what was absolutely necessary. He saw it as a learning experience.

>>”I stopped drinking, month dry. Want to but… preventing me from getting things done. Healing included. Figure it was time I’d stop feeling sorry for myself and what I seen.”

Gemma nodded, listening to Sam talk. "That's a very important decision. Congratulations." One month sober was quite the achievement; but even more so that he recognized the problem, and decided to something to change it. For all his flaws, Sam was one of the best leaders and teachers the Mansion had ever had. And that work started with himself.

>>”I saw her again, she was real this time. Alexandra.”

Gemma tilted her head. She knew the basics of that story, but Sam had never been eager to talk to her about it before.

"You did? What happened?"

”Stabbed myself.” Sam said with a shrug he tapped the part of the leg where the stab took place. It wasn’t the first time he used the method to shake himself free from the dreams, it was the only way he could keep his mind to himself.
”I found it’s a productive way to kick any mental holds. Keeps me,” Sam gestured with his finger making a summing everything up circle ”here.”

Sam lowered his hand with a slight wince he tried to hide. ”Not the best way to handle it, my girlfriend broke up with me on the spot. Straw to break the camel’s back. Not calling her a camel, figure of speech.” Sam said trying not to make it seem like he was sore bout the breakup. ”Drinking was an issue for her as well but,” he shrugged again, ”What are you gonna do?”/

”Scared, her though. Alexandria. She didn’t remember me at all. Guessing memory altering.” that too was something he had considered and ran into often. Memory altering was great for creating attack dogs. ”Heart, sank.” Sam said pausing knowing he was sharing more than he intended. It wasn’t normal for him to talk about his feelings. Some he didn’t want to acknowledge. ”I saw the real her, all the memories come rushing from the back of my mind. We had kids, a life. To many to remember. Even if she remembered me, we were only together for a year or two. Everything up here is made up.” Sam said his eye watering while his voice rose before he reigned it back in.

”Sorry.” Sam quickly apologized, ”Not used to the talking thing.”

>>”Stabbed myself. I found it’s a productive way to kick any mental holds. Keeps me here.”

"Well... that's one way to do it." Gemma noted. N wonder DocProf was not willing to do much healing. He always had a problem with people intentionally harming themselves, even if for a good reason.

>>”Not the best way to handle it, my girlfriend broke up with me on the spot. Straw to break the camel’s back. Not calling her a camel, figure of speech. Drinking was an issue for her as well but, What are you gonna do?”/

Gemma nodded. Sem was talking now, words pouring out of him, and she did not want to interrupt, in case he lost track of what he was going to say. He did not open up like this often, or maybe ever. And with everything he'd been through, he needed to sort his thoughts out first, before she could help.

>>”Scared, her though. Alexandria. She didn’t remember me at all. Guessing memory altering... Heart, sank... I saw the real her, all the memories come rushing from the back of my mind. We had kids, a life. To many to remember. Even if she remembered me, we were only together for a year or two. Everything up here is made up... Sorry. Not used to the talking thing.”

"I'm sorry, Sam. That must have been very hard for you." Gemma said quietly. She'd never seen the X-leader quite like this before. She knew some of his history with that woman, but he never really opened up his feelings quite so honestly before. "Did this happen... during the rift?" Was it really her with no memories, or another version of her?