Ongoing Affairs were bizarre.

In some ways, life felt like it returned to the “normal” she abandoned years earlier, before she got on a plane for England. Rebecca was seeing Agnes again, and they slipped so comfortably back into dating. Whenever they could make time, they were making it a point to be together. They were busy adults, so schedule balancing took some effort, but it was worth it. There were dinner dates, movie nights, and forays out into different districts of New York. Some nights, they just got together to relax and enjoy each other’s company.

But then Agnes would leave. The leaving was not the problem; it was who she was leaving to rejoin. Agnes was upfront with Rebecca about the failed attempt at a breakup. It was tempting to be upset with her girlfriend for procrastinating the end of her engagement, but Rebecca could not find it in herself to do it. She had been the one to tell Agnes to take all the time she needed, and the reason she hesitated was justifiable.

M. River got herself hooked on M. It explained so much, from the changes her personality underwent the longer she was in New York, to the hairpin temper she developed. Rebecca was past feeling guilty for wanting Agnes, but she did feel her conscience wounded when she realized the situation she had inadvertently taken advantage of to rekindle her old flame.

Agnes was going to leave River, but the timing was not right. It made sense, so Rebecca was doing her best to be a supportive girlfriend, even if that meant accepting Agnes’s relationship with another woman. They would keep their relationship secret, but the important thing was that it was finally a relationship again.

It was date night, and they were meeting up for a nice dinner in Queens, far enough away from any prying eyes in Manhattan. Sabores de Iberia was an upscale restaurant specializing in Spanish and Portuguese cuisine, and the place had an intimate vibe, with candlelight illuminating the tables in a golden glow.

Rebecca arrived two minutes before they set their reservation, smoothing out her black dress as she entered. She was greeted by a hostess and the young woman directed her to a table in the back corner of the restaurant where a certain brunette was already waiting.

”Hello, Aggie,” she greeted cheerfully, planting a kiss on the woman’s lips before taking her seat. ”Let th’ records shae Ah was technically early. Jist nae as early as ye.” Rebecca liked when Agnes was already waiting for her arrival; it was a small reminder that she was looking forward to their dates as well.

It was the hardest call she had ever made. Agnes didn’t want to come to Rebecca with defeat but wanted to contact her with triumph. She wanted nothing more than to walk into the room, run up, and publicly embrace her redhead lover as a means of showing her that she had succeeded in her mission to separate herself from the last obstacle that was in their way of happiness. They would finally be together and they had a shot at happiness. That was all that mattered now, that they finally had a chance to start over, to really pick up where they left off.

But of course it was never as easy as all that. The look on Rebecca’s face when she initially told her that she didn’t break up with River was heart rending. But upon the explanation that River had become addicted to M in her time in New York, added to the fact that she had just gotten herself clean and was looking for support from her fiancée, seemed to be enough to justify staying together. Of course that wasn’t right. Nothing could justify her dragging a failed relationship far longer than it should go, but Rebecca was understanding nonetheless.

They would be patient. Agnes would help River as best she could but intimacy was off the table. She managed to get River to agree to that one on the grounds that she needed to focus on her recovery. The reality was that Agnes just didn’t feel right being touched by the other woman. Even when they were simply lying in bed together, whenever River tried to scoot closer for a cuddle, Agnes found herself pulling away. She didn’t belong to River anymore, deep down she knew that. Deep down, she knew that the only person whom she would allow herself to be near was Rebecca.

That was how the affair started. Of course they didn’t out right state that’s what it was. It was that meeting, then another, most of which ended with an explosive burst of sexuality that neither of them could contain. Soon they had a regular room in a hotel room, a regular date night, and so on and so forth. Before long, without really even realizing it, both women were deeply embroiled in an actual, factual affair. Though, of course, neither of them would admit that when asked directly; though they had no other name for it.

Some things were better left unsaid.

Sitting in the Portuguese restaurant, Agnes, of course, was early. She really looked forward to their date nights (totally not Affair Nights) but tonight had been just a little nerve-wracking. Usually she always tried to look her best for her lover but tonight Rebecca wanted them to get particularly gussied up. Nothing overtly extravagant, but jeans and a blouse weren’t going to do it. For Rebecca it was easy, she didn’t have to sneak out of her house or make an excuse; that was for Agnes to have to deal with.

Tonight she was out for a symphony cocktail party, or at least that was what she told River. For a moment she felt a pang of guilt but all that lifted when she saw that flash of coppery hair at the entrance. Looking up, past the romantic candle light, she spied Rebecca in all her beautiful glory. Dressed in one of the most beautiful and chic black dresses she had ever seen, Agnes slowly slipped out of her booth, smiling as she watched the woman approach.

There was always this air around Rebecca that Agnes found particularly enticing. Maybe that was what actually made the woman so appealing to her. Not just the memories of the life that they lived in the past, but also the because she still had an amazing and alluring air about her that Agnes simply could not get enough of. She loved the woman, deeply, and it hurt that they still couldn’t fully be together. But she had to be patient, Agnes knew that. They would eventually be rewarded.

Rebecca was a vision, but Agnes herself wasn’t all that bad to look at. She was decked out in a similar, comfortable dress, but this one of a deep, yet subtly, amber color. It flowed down, just past her knees, revealing her pale, supple skin. The sheen it carried almost made it look as if the young violinist had been drizzled with the richest and most delectable of honeys. Her hair hung down but had been pinned back with small honeycomb pins, to give her quite a beautiful, if not ironic, air. She smiled sweetly to the redhead and approach.

>> ”Hello, Aggie,”

She was met with a kiss – her favorite form of greeting. Agnes pressed into the kiss a bit more deeply before she grinned and leaned back, reclaiming her seat at the table, Rebecca doing the same.

>> ”Let th’ records shae Ah was technically early. Jist nae as early as ye.”

Agnes smirked. ”Duly noted,” Agnes said with a cheerful light in her eyes. ”You look absolutely gorgeous, hun. New dress? Oh and this place,” she smiled as she leaned back, looking up and over at her surroundings. ”It’s just so perfect. If you’re lucky you may actually get some tonight,” she teased playfully.

Seeing Agnes was always a moment for Rebecca. She was gorgeous, and every time she saw her again, her heart skipped a little. Her heart skipped because it recognized Agnes as the woman who truly owned it, and had to leap for joy seeing her again. Her girlfriend as a vision dressed in honey, with a suited pin in her hair. Rebecca smiled broadly, wrapping a lock of brown hair around her finger as they kissed. It could have been a peck, but lately, they were bad at pecks; they always became something a bit more.

Taking her seat across from her lover, Rebecca was already receiving compliment after compliment. She had done well, hadn’t she? It was nice planning dates with Agnes again, and finding new places to share. They spent so much time living in and remembering their nostalgia, but their relationship was something new again, and deserved new memories. They were creating the present that would become their past on the way to their future.

“May actually get some” forced a quick, sharp laugh from Rebecca. It was cute that Agnes made it sound like sex was only a possibility. Since reuniting, they were apparently making up for two years without touching one another. There was always more to them than physical intimacy, but there was no denying the strong sexual tension that built the longer they went between skin-to-skin contact. ”Oh, Ah may? Whit a nice, unprecedented surprise that’d be,” she joked, grinning from ear to ear.

”Th’ dress is actual… weel, yoo’ve seen it afair.” Rebecca was not going to spell out where, because the last time she wore that dress around Agnes, she was on her first date with Nessa, and the violinist was waiting on her harpist fiancée. It was a nice dress, and if she torched everything that had some association with Vanessa, she would have to drum up money for a new wardrobe. ”Bit thenk ye,” she replied warmly.

Rebecca looked around the restaurant, drinking in the intimate atmosphere, glad she made the right choice when it was her turn to pick their date night. The ball was in Agnes’s court now! ”Glad ye loch it. Ah put it a Chirpr poll askin’ fur dinner date recommendations fur me an’ mah super-amazin’ super-secret girlfriend.” She paused to take a sup from the glass of water at the table, before adding. ”Kidding. Jist tae be clear.” Until Agnes and River were truly done, secrecy was important. Even their date nights were risky, to be honest, with their joint recognizability and forums like the Bird Watchers around.

”Ye look gorgeous as e’er, Aggie,” she said genuinely. She was constantly blown away that someone could be so beautiful, and that the unearthly beauty would see it fit to love Rebecca, of all people. ”Th’ pin is a nice tooch.”

There was no way around it, Rebecca looked hot. She always did. Between the two of them, Agnes always felt like the redhead was the most attractive. The exotic eyes, the accent, the fair skin, and freckles that could outnumber the stars themselves. Agnes was really the most fortunate woman in the world to have been granted the opportunity to be with a woman like Rebecca. Yes, they broke up, but they got to have that time back now, didn’t they? Agnes was happy…well…as happy as she could be given their circumstances.

Agnes never thought she would be in this predicament. She never thought that she would do this again, to cheat on a lover with another. When she hurt Jasmine all those years ago, she had vowed to never let this kind of thing happen again and, lo and behold, it happened again. But maybe that was just the universe’s way of telling her that she needed to be with the redhead and only her. Through trials, the two simply kept finding one another, again and again. Maybe it was time to stop running and just listen to what the world had to say.

Still, there was a complication with that. As much as Agnes wanted this, there was still the problem concerned her current lover, River. At one point she loved River, truly, but again fate intervened. She should have just ended things when she said she was going to, but complications concerning personal demons of River’s had churned up and the good natured girl couldn’t leave her to face those monsters by herself.

Deep down, however, she knew it shouldn’t come at the cost of her own happiness. But such thoughts were too deep, too serious to be having right now. She was with Rebecca and she wanted to have some fun.

She teased the young redhead when she came up to her, agreeing that she looked absolutely amazing and that there was a high probability of her “getting lucky” tonight. Of course that was a given considering how much time the two of them had been making up for. It seemed that every meeting between the two of them ended the same way, with clutched bedsheets and strewn about clothing. Their years away had resulted in some pent up frustrations that needed to be explored. It was a fact that the both of them knew and accepted by this point.

>> ”Oh, Ah may? Whit a nice, unprecedented surprise that’d be… Th’ dress is actual… weel, yoo’ve seen it afair…Bit thenk ye,”

Agnes blushed a little, giggling as she shook her head. The woman’s humor had been her favorite this whole time. However at the notice that this was a black dress that Agnes should have noticed before, she cocked her head and took a closer look at it. It really was gorgeous but where had she seen her wear it? A few seconds ticked by and suddenly it began to dawn on her….it was familiar. She had seen it the night that the two of them had crossed paths again here in New York. The night that Rebecca met River for the first time. She blushed, feeling a little stupid at not remembering that but at the moment she was doing all she could to box up and keep any thoughts of River away from the nights she spent with Rebecca. It was no wonder she didn’t recognize it at first.

”Gosh, I’m so sorry,” she whispered, clearly looking embarrassed. ”I can’t believe I forgot.”

Maybe it was better to move on from the topic lest River become a topic of thought or discussion. She gestured to the rest of the restaurant, commenting on just how beautiful it was and that it was the perfect choice for their destination tonight.

>>”Glad ye loch it. Ah put it a Chirpr poll askin’ fur dinner date recommendations fur me an’ mah super-amazin’ super-secret girlfriend…Kidding. Jist tae be clear.”

Agnes beamed happily, at first, but soon her eyes grew as wide as saucers when the redhead had admitted that she put the date destination up to a poll on Chirpr. Momentarily terrified that the news of their affair was getting out, Agnes choked on the water she had taken a sip up, but stopped when the redhead amended her statement by saying that she was kidding. Relief washed over her shoulders and she sighed, looking down onto the table.

”Sorry,” she said in apology. ”I…I know you would never do that on purpose…” she whispered.

She took a calming breath. She really needed to stop feeling like this. Jumping at shadows and hiding from phantasms. Deep down, she knew that River was a good person and didn’t deserve to be treated like this, but how else was she supposed to feel? She was cheating on a woman who was going through a hard struggle. Really Agnes should know better than this but compartmentalizing everything was far easier than facing truths.

Seemingly sensing her discomfort, Rebecca pulled Agnes from her thoughts, giving her a teasing smile and commending her for her outfit for the evening.

>>”Ye look gorgeous as e’er, Aggie… Th’ pin is a nice tooch.”

She smiled, sweeting. It felt good to smile like that and momentarily forget any of her misgivings. She dipped her head to Rebecca. ”Thank you.” she said with a tiny shrug. ”Just felt…inspired, I guess.” A small smile. ”I always try to look my best for you.”

It was not Rebecca’s intention to make Agnes feel guilty or embarrassed, but that box seemed to be checked off, regardless of intent. How could she blame Agnes for forgetting the dress? They saw each other for the first time in years that night, and neither of them was prepared. Who remembered anything when shell-shocked? From the moment she laid eyes on Agnes to the moment Nessa walked her out of the bar, her head was caught in a fog. The details of Agnes were clear, but that was because Rebecca was not splitting her attention with a fiancée. That was the beginning of Rebecca and River vying for Agnes’s attention, after all. ”It’s nae problem, Aggie. Honest,” she assured her girlfriend, waiting to keep the mood of their date positive.

If positive was her goal, she had to stop making jokes about their affair’s secrecy, particularly when they were jokes about outing their secret. Agnes took the joke more seriously than she expected, but of course she did. With Vanessa out of the picture, Agnes was now the one with far more to lose if the word got out about the reunited lovers.

There was no sense in dwelling on the negative. Agnes was looking beautiful, and her outfit was so well-coordinated, they could focus on that. Bring things out of the unease and back to the simple things. Rebecca pressed her hand on Agnes’s near the center of the table, hoping to share some of her happiness. They were happy together because they could support one another, so that was what Rebecca was doing. ”Ye’ll ne’er nae look yer best in mah eyes.” It was true; Rebecca had seen Agnes dressed up for high-class events, and she had seen her waking up after a morning of drinking. She did not know how to be anything other than the most beautiful woman in the world to Rebecca.

As Rebecca’s hand lingered, she could feel the points of jewel settings under her finger. Agnes’s engagement ring. If the redhead’s smile faltered, it was only for an uncatchable moment. It was not a surprise; Agnes was still engaged. Rebecca had to be patient, and patience meant overlooking the need for Agnes to keep her engagement ring on.

A waitress dressed in black slacks, a nice white shirt, and a thin tie approached their table, which was Rebecca’s cue to finally pull her hand back. They did not have to be cautious in Queens, and Rebecca was not ashamed, but she did have to look over the menu, which was easier with two hands. “Boa Noite, my name is Susana, and I’ll be your server tonight. Can I start you off with some drinks?”

The women glanced over their menus to place drink orders. Rebecca, (with some help from the waitress,) selected a “Tinto Douro.” It was a full-bodied red wine, according to Susana, and Rebecca had little reason not to trust the waitress. Before she left, Rebecca added, ”Oh! Ah’m sorry, bit can we hae an appetizer order of Shrimp Mozambique?” Susana smiled and nodded, adding the order to her notes and walking into the back. ”One ay th’ reviews mentioned it,” she explained to Agnes with a shrug.

Returning her attention to the vision of loveliness across the table, Rebecca smiled again. ”Sae whit hae Ah missed at th’ Philharmonic? Musical rivalries? Secret romances ‘tween percussion and woodwinds? Any performances Ah shoulds be gettin’ tickets fur?” One of the few benefits of not living together was the amount of conversation they had to share for date nights. Rebecca liked catching up with what was going on in Agnes’s life. She also felt the urge to get conversation going, because Rebecca had big news she was looking to drop, but she did not want to lead with it.

Indeed, Agnes felt bad for not recognizing the dress right off but she knew that Rebecca would understand why she didn’t instantly see it. Besides the fact that Rebecca was just a radiate beauty that took her breath away, there was also the fact that the dress had only been worn on the night when they had first met. It was a night that Agnes had not been expecting to go the way it did. She didn’t suspect that she would be running into her ex, nor did she expect having to have her fiancée and ex-girlfriend in the same room so quickly. It seemed like the cruelest twist of fate but really how else was she supposed to think of that night. Why did fate have to be so dastardly?

But there was no use dwelling on that. As much as she wanted to, it didn’t make any sense to rail against the past. What was done was done and now she needed to keep herself invested in the future; namely, the lovely redhead sitting across from her. However, for as much as Agnes wanted to stay engaged in the moment, it was difficult. She still worried, deep down in her gut, about what she was doing. She was actively cheating on her fiancée with Rebecca. The only high ground she could take was that at least she and River hadn’t slept together. Thankfully that wasn’t a point that River was trying to push too terribly hard.

Engaged in the conversation, Agnes picked up her glass of water to take a sip when Becca had announced that she had done an online poll to see where her secret rendezvous should be. This, of course, caused the violinist to almost choke a bit on her water, but thankfully the other had quickly clarified that she had been joking. She knew that Rebecca didn’t mean anything by it, but still, it was not what she had been wanting to hear, a reminder that she was actively cheating on her fiancée because the situation was too precarious to flat out dump her. Uh! It was a terrible state to find one’s self.

Thankfully Agnes was too in love with the woman to be upset, but she damned wished she could think of a way out of this mess. Why could River had just cheated on her or something mundane. Noooo, she had to be addicted to M. It was like some crazed fanfic writer was running her life and throwing twists at her just for the hell of it. Ridiculous, I know…

>> ”Ye’ll ne’er nae look yer best in mah eyes.”

Agnes smiled. She had been just commenting on her outfit, just wanting to look her best for Rebecca and of course the Scot had managed to say the perfect thing. It earned a small coloring to Agnes’ cheeks as she took a deep breath. Though she wasn’t vain or that insecure enough to need to hear such things constantly, whenever she could it was much appreciated. She loved Rebecca, dearly, and she wanted her to know that she wasn’t trying to take advantage of her. This wasn’t a situation where she was trying to have her cake and eat it too, it was just…complicated.

”Thank you…” she whispered softly. She felt Rebecca’s hand cover her own and for a second it was just plain perfect. But reality set in when she felt her lover’s hand grace the ring that was still situated there. F**k! She forgot to take it off once she left the house…

>> “Boa Noite, my name is Susana, and I’ll be your server tonight. Can I start you off with some drinks?”

Agnes turned and gave the newcomer a small smile. She didn’t see her approach so internally she was a little startled but she managed to not display that out front. Instead she merely retracted her hand from the surface of the table and neatly tucked it on her lap and out of sight. She would remove the ring once the waitress was gone so, in the meantime, she allowed Rebecca to take the lead.

>> ”Oh! Ah’m sorry, bit can we hae an appetizer order of Shrimp Mozambique? One ay th’ reviews mentioned it,”

Once Rebecca had given the drink order (glad that she ordered for the both of them) she agreed that the appetizer sounded delectable. She wasn’t as familiar with Portuguese food but figured Rebecca knew what she was doing so she would follow suit. Once the waitress was gone, Agnes turned her attention back to the redhead who was now turning the conversation back to them.

>> ”Sae whit hae Ah missed at th’ Philharmonic? Musical rivalries? Secret romances ‘tween percussion and woodwinds? Any performances Ah shoulds be gettin’ tickets fur?”

She chuckled. The woman always had a way to chasing away the dark clouds. ”There’s been a few developments. Ricky, the saxophonist has changed girlfriends again,” she explained with a knowing smile. She had told Rebecca about his Cuban musician before and his exploits amongst the females in the orchestra. Most turned him down but those few, poor souls that did fall into his web would soon find he was only after a night or two, not forever. ”He’s moved to percussion now. Poor Debbie.” She said with a shrug of her shoulders. ”At least he knows better than to try and take a run at me again.”

That was a humorous story, one that Agnes had regaled Rebecca with before. Still, despite the little drama behind the scenes, Agnes was truly happy where she was at. One would ask how anyone could have asked her to give it up like River did. But it was the thought of the brunette at home that made the young woman conscious of the ring on her finger again. With a sigh she pulled her hands back up to the table top and proceeded to awkwardly and shyly pull the ring from her finger. A shaky breath and she picked up her matching clutch, dug out her wallet, and placed the ring in the coin purse.

”Sorry,” Agnes finally apologized. ”I-I meant to put it away when I got here. I guess…um…I just got distracted by the ambiance.”

Rebecca was not the only one who realized River’s ring still graces a finger, as Agnes’s expression shifted starkly when Rebecca’s touch nudged it. If the waitress had not arrived so conveniently, she would have told Agnes it would be fine if she felt the need to keep the ring on. It would have been a lie, but one she could force herself to make. It was important to let things go at the pace needed for the engaged violinist to feel comfortable. What was another few days… or weeks? Months?

…Years?

No, it would not be years. They were going to move forward soon and be back to normal again. Rebecca focused on Agnes’s recounting of Ricky, the cad saxophonist. The man’s exploits were the stuff gossip was made of, and while Rebecca did not condone him leading on potential partners who might expect more than a fling, the man did sound like he had some flair. ”If he daes, Ah hae nae issues having a wee chat wi’ Casanova,” she warned with a grin. Like hell was she going to diminish her share of Agnes to a measly third!

Not saying anything about the ring was the right choice, because it gave Agnes the time to remove it on her own. Her smile noticeably brightened when the jewelry was tucked away, even if she knew it would have to grace that finger again once Agnes went home. ”Yoo’re fine, dear. Ah didnae e’en notice,” she joked. They both knew she did, so her shrugging shoulders were an ironic act.

There was one topic Rebecca did not like bringing up on their dates, but it also felt like something she needed to know. ”Sae… an’ we dinnae hae tae dwell oan thes, bit... hoo’s River’s recovery gang? Ah cannae imagine hoo hard thes is fur her…” Rebecca was not only asking about River’s rehabilitation because it could help bring the engagement to a close. River, for all her faults, was going through something terrible. While Rebecca was not about to give up and say she would lose Agnes to make things easier, it did not change that she felt genuinely sympathetic to River’s plight.

Rebecca took Agnes’s ringless hand into her own, brushing her thumb gently across Agnes’s knuckles. She did not fail to notice the faint tan line left behind by the ring. Even when it was removed, there was a presence of River that lingered. It was a depressingly apt metaphor for the way Agnes’s fiancée was still haunting their relationship.

It was a distraction. Surely it was. Agnes felt it every time she put the ring on. It was like having a ten-pound weight slipped over her digit and it dragged her hand down. She swore at times she could feel her hand scraping against the ground with every step. But it was something she had to do. Something that she made herself do. It didn’t feel right but it was morally right, she guessed? River was going through a tough time and adding to that the fact that she didn’t want to marry her anymore seemed so self and cruel. Maybe that was actually needed right now but Agnes wasn’t ready to pull that trigger just yet. One day, but not now.

Despite all that, she should have known better than to keep the ring on before she met with Rebecca. It was a little nerve-wracking, though, as she didn’t want to lose the ring during her escapades with her lover, but wearing it felt wrong. It was either she risk losing it and have to explain that to River or she wear it around the woman that she truly loved and risk losing her. It was a damned road, but it was one that Agnes tried to trod as carefully as possible.

>>”Yoo’re fine, dear. Ah didnae e’en notice,”

A small, half smile turned up her lips. From the slight shoulder slump and the forced smile on her lips, Agnes knew that Rebecca wasn’t thrilled with the notion that she felt the ring on her finger. Rebecca really had been a good sport in all this and it was to the point where Agnes was feeling guiltier and guiltier with every passing second. It wasn’t right to put her through this kind of turmoil, but as much as she wanted to find a solution right here and now, it certainly wasn’t the best place for it.

Once the waitress had appeared, Agnes immediately slipped her hands back under the table where she took the moment to pull of the ring and set it inside the coin-purse in her wallet. That should be a safe enough place to keep it without worry of it getting lost. And yet, even with the ring gone, she could still feel the faintest impression it had left upon her finger. It was strange to feel it, strange to have that sensation that that little piece of River was still with her, no matter what she did. But it was something she would live with for the time being.

Returning her hands to the table, she smiled as the waitress went off to gather their order and turned her attention back to the lovely Scot. Rebecca was all smiles, even more so now that the offensive ring was gone. With that taken care of, Agnes shared the woman’s smile with one of her own. The weight had started to lift a little bit – that is until Rebecca brought up the elephant in the room.

>> ”Sae… an’ we dinnae hae tae dwell oan thes, bit... hoo’s River’s recovery gang? Ah cannae imagine hoo hard thes is fur her…”

In all fairness, it was a good question and a testament to the care that Rebecca had for her fellow human being. She made it no small point that she didn’t care for the harpist and, actually, did everything she could to grumble about that once the two of them had decided to be together. But when Rebecca had found out what River had been suffering through, her addiction to M, Agnes could see the switch automatically. She still didn’t fully care for her, but she was an understanding and caring human being and seeing anyone suffer like that was a horrendous thing. It just made her love the Scot more and more.

Still, bringing up River in any aspect was a dangerous thing. It just reminded her of what she was doing, of the thing she had never wanted to become again. Deep down she hated herself for doing this but it wasn’t as if she could get mad at Rebecca for bringing her up. So, with a practiced little smile, she sighed as she carefully brushed her hair behind her ear, closing her eyes at the sensation of Rebecca running her thumb over the spot that once held River’s ring. It felt good…soothing.

”Better.” Agnes said quietly. ”She tells me she hasn’t touched the stuff but its hard when she doesn’t have the distraction of work.” She sighed a bit sadly. ”Took up a job as a grocery cashier,” she said with a slight shrug of her shoulders. ”She’s…a little done looking for music work. Especially since that’s how it all started. I think she just wants a distraction.”

Agnes mused on this. She hated to see River suffer, especially when she knew of her deep love of music but there was nothing else she could do. She already spoke with her conductor but she was still the new girl in town and she couldn’t quite make demands or pressure him to hire River. Besides, this was only a temporary situation. When she did finally break up with River, wouldn’t it be awkward to have to work together? She shook her head again, she absolutely hated the way things were going at the moment but she needed to try and steer the conversation away.

”Maybe…um…let’s not bring her up?” she said. She sounded tired when she said it, not realizing it may have come off a little snappy. Instead she gave the redhead a curt smile as she tried to think of something else to talk about. ”Um..h-how goes your blog. Your latest video was funny.” At least she assumed it was. Rebecca’s shows were humorous, at least 75% of the time. It was hard to find the time to watch them. She couldn’t necessarily watch them at home, with River around and she was too busy at work. But she was desperate for a topic change so she took a stab at it. What were the odds she was wrong now?

It was hard to hear Agnes talk about River and it was just as hard for Agnes to talk about her, but it felt necessary to ask. For better or worse, the harpist was someone important to Agnes, and she was going through a crisis. A big part of Agnes’s life—the part Rebecca could not share—was the part she spent with her fiancée, trying to get the woman back up on her feet to the point where she could survive alone.

Even being in that position had to be torture for Agnes. They wanted to be together and to be happy, but she had a duty to River. Rebecca was all too aware of the woman she fell in love with, and the emotional burden she put on herself. Agnes saw River’s slide into addiction, at least partially, as her responsibility. She brought her to New York, she gained more success and started to outshine her, and she reconnected with the love of her life and started falling out of love with the woman she promised to marry.

Rebecca was not going to convince Agnes that she was not at fault, and trying to do so would only add tension to their situation. Given the tight rope they were walking along, they needed no internal stress to add to everything else.

Progress sounded slow, but River was working again, at least. Rebecca would pass no judgment on whatever job River worked; a job was a job, and no one was above work, her father would say. She wanted to say something, not knowing what that something might be, but she was saved by Agnes’s request for a change of topic.

Agnes brought up the blog as a shift of focus, but her comment made it clear she was just desperate to not talk about River. It made no difference to Rebecca if her girlfriend watched her videos, but Agnes unwittingly made it clear she had not watched her last video. The video was a response to a fan’s request for advice. The fan was graduating high school and worried her and her friends would break apart and lose touch after college. It was an honest, and even emotional response about the reality that not everyone will stay in your life forever, but the steps she could take to try keeping in touch.

The last thing Rebecca wanted to do was call Agnes out, so instead she smiled kindly. The blog would allow her a topic change anyway. ”Th’ shaw is guid. Ah've got one ay those meal orderin' services offerin' tae sponsur some ay mah episodes, an' they've bin sendin' me samples, sae Ah've bin gettin' tae dae mair cookin'.” In a smaller town with cheaper food, Rebecca might not consider the service for herself, but with New York prices, it somehow became easier to justify. ”Ah’m happy tae share some nicht, ay coorse.”

The waitress intervened as she brought a plate of peeled shrimp in an orange sauce and placed it in the center of the table, next to the bread. Once the glasses were filled with wine, Rebecca placed her order of Carne de Porco à Alentejana, a dish consisting of pork, potatoes, and littlenecks in a savory brown sauce. The waitress took Agnes’s order and returned to the back, leaving the women to their conversation and shrimp.

Rebecca spooned over a few pieces of shrimp and some sauce onto her plate and grabbed a piece of the crusty bread, tearing it to expose the soft, fluffy interior. ”Sae Ah… actually hae a special episode comin' up. Ah wish Ah coods hae timed it aroond Mother's Day, but mah mom's comin' tae th' States,” Rebecca confessed, still beaming at the idea of seeing her mother again. ”Gonna dae an episode wi' me an' everythin'.”

The Scot had been sopping a chunk of bread in the orange sauce and popped it in her mouth to punctuate her sentence. The tangy, garlicy flavor hit her unexpectedly, and she added, ”Mmm, sae guid,” quietly, so the other tables did not think her “mmm” of pleasure was something less than pure.

Agnes was trying. She couldn’t be faulted for not because, in reality, she was doing every damn thing she could to keep everything together. She was watching over River at home, she was offering her fiancée encouragement, and she was trying to balance a full-time musician job, added with side of a torrid affair with her ex-lover. Of course Agnes promised the redhead that they would be together, and she meant every word of it, but more and more she was starting to feel just a little enclosed. The lying, the acting, it was beginning to come to a head the more she thought about it. It was for reasons like that that she may have not been the most up-to-date concerning certain matters with Rebecca, i.e., the actual last subject of her show.

But she was too distracted to truly offer it any concrete thoughts. She was trying keep everything balanced and so a fumble or two were going to happen. Rebecca, however, remained a peach and simply let Agnes faux-pas slide. She would never know the difference, lest Rebecca inform her at some later date. Right now wouldn’t have been the best of times anyways.

>> ”Th’ shaw is guid. Ah've got one ay those meal orderin' services offerin' tae sponsur some ay mah episodes, an' they've bin sendin' me samples, sae Ah've bin gettin' tae dae mair cookin'…Ah’m happy tae share some nicht, ay coorse.”

Agnes smiled in earnest and raised her eyes brows. It was a welcome distraction from the pain of her relationship with River Red Fish to know that Rebecca actually doing so good. She put a lot of hard work into her ViewTube channel and it really showed. To know that she was getting recognition for that in the form of paid sponsorship was all the better! An encouraging smile on her lips, she beamed at Rebecca, nodding her head approvingly.

”I’d like that,” she admitted. ”I keep hearing the guys at work talk about it but have yet to even consider trying it.” She smiled, looking over the woman very sweetly. ”And good for you. You more than deserve it.”

After this their waitress and returned with savory scented appetizers, as well as a took their actual dinner orders. While Rebecca ordered her meal, Agnes gave her menu another quick look over before she settled on the Galinha No Espeto (she was always a sucker for French fries). Happily taking their orders away, Agnes settled back into the private bubble that had been woven for both she and Becca.

>> ”Sae Ah… actually hae a special episode comin' up. Ah wish Ah coods hae timed it aroond Mother's Day, but mah mom's comin' tae th' States…Gonna dae an episode wi' me an' everythin'.”

Agnes tilted her eyes, her eyes widened with surprise. Really, Mrs. Grey was going to be in town? She remembered when she and Becca were initially dating and she met her parents, there was some…trepidation. Agnes experiences with parental figures really wasn’t the best and so she was naturally just a little worried about how she would be received. Her fears all proved to be groundless as both Becca’s parents, especially her mother, seemed to immediately take a shine to her.

There was another regret from those years gone by – she never got to say goodbye to them. They were sweet people but you can’t break up with a lover and stay friends on MyFace with her parents. It just gets weird after that. Still, the news that her mother would be in town was both shocking and, let’s face it, a little anxiety inducing. Did she know about the two of them? Did she even want to see her again after all this time? When could she find time to see them that wouldn’t make River suspicious? Of course all these thoughts could be for naught as Rebecca hadn’t even mentioned her meeting with the woman. Maybe this was just informing her that she would be busy with people who could acutally publically love her.

Okay…getting a little ahead of herself there…Ahem.

>> ”Mmm, sae guid,”

Agnes plucked up one of the shrimps and took a bite. Immediately it was one of the best things she had ever tasted. She thoughtfully chewed a few bites before she looked at Rebecca, trying to rest the waters of what it would be to have Mrs. Grey around.

”That’s exciting,” she said cautiously. ”I know you haven’t seen her since you’ve moved back here.” A deep breath. She reached for another shrimp and took a bite. ”Y-You’ll have to say hi to her for me.” Gulp.

Things felt normal. They were talking about work and about romantic plans and homecooked meals together. They were sharing a delicious appetizer, and Rebecca was bringing up her mother’s visit into America. It was typical date night fare, and in those moments, it was easy to feel like a normal couple. No drama, no looming engagements with other women; just two people in love.

Agnes’s reaction to her mother’s visit jostled Rebecca out of that “normal” feeling. Her girlfriend was not “upset,” but perhaps a little hesitant. Rebecca understood the concern immediately: was it kosher to have her mother and lover meet again when they were living their lives together in secret.

It was hard to hear “That’s exciting” spoken without a hint of actual excitement. Agnes gave her a measured response, recognizing how big a moment this was for Rebecca. By not saying she wanted Agnes around for her mother’s trip, the violinist assumed the omission was intentional. Ever the trooper, she was distancing herself, thinking it was what Rebecca wanted.

Nothing could have been further from the truth. Rebecca covered her mouth so she could quickly chew the shrimp and bread she was eating. Once the morsels were swallowed, she sighed. ”Ah coods. Ur... ye can say hi yerself.” Rebecca wanted to reach for Agnes’s hand, but if she did, they would be awkwardly hovering over the dish filled with shrimp and sauce. ”She wants tae hae dinner wi' us. 'At is... if ye hink ye coods make it wark.”

It was a challenge. She hated that it was a challenge, but realistically, every dinner they had together required an excuse or explanation to River. Eventually, she was going to return to her (warranted) suspicions, if she had not already. ”Ah’d understand if ye cannae, but it woods mean a lot tae baith ay us.” Rebecca loved her mother and she loved Agnes, and having the two with her in one place would make things feel like they did before, when everything was normal. Their relationship would be that much more real.

In the darkest parts of her heart, she worried about how real they were, sneaking around and loving in secret. It was her greatest fear that she would wake up and this dream she was living in would have vanished in the night, leaving her without Agnes for good.

Agnes loved Rebecca’s mom. When she had flew to Scotland to meet the redhead’s parents, Agnes had been worried about not being liked. Sure it was not something that she should have cared about, but, deep down, she did. She wanted Becca’s parents to like her and feared what would happen if they didn’t. Could a relationship have been built like that? But Agnes was proven wrong with the warm reception that she had received. Becca’s parents, especially her mother, had been more than receptive of the young violinist and she was happy.

Even after they had returned to the states, whenever there was an international call for Rebecca, there a small amount of time was set aside for just Agnes and Becca’s mother to talk. It had been a sweet time of her life, something that Agnes was more than happy to partake in. It was after the two had broken up, though, that she realized how much she truly missed it. To have that older, female figure in her life had meant so much more than she ever could have imagined it could. It made sense, though, considering that Agnes never had a healthy mother-figure to look up to. And then when it was gone, well, it was a hard transition.

Upon hearing the news that Becca’s mother would be in town immediately made the ex-runaway quite self-conscious. She had a yearning to see that woman again, especially now that she and Becca were reconnecting on a level that seemed more permanent than what it was before. But, there was the problem in that their relationship wasn’t exactly public. Did she even know that Becca and Agnes were carrying on an affair? If she didn’t, what if she found out? Surely that would spoil whatever happy memories Agnes had of the woman being in her life.

She sighed. She didn’t want to risk it. And, since Becca state she was actually invited, Agnes merely muttered about how her current lover should say hello for her.

>> ”Ah coods. Ur... ye can say hi yerself… She wants tae hae dinner wi' us. 'At is... if ye hink ye coods make it wark.”

She paused. She sucked in a breath as she reached over, picking up her glass of wine and taking a careful sip of it. Not too much, just a little to wet the dryness she could already feel turning her mouth into a ball of cotton. Becca was being so understanding but it was almost unnerving. She wanted to believe that they could all have a grand time together but the deep down, Agnes just wasn’t sure she could. It was hard enough being with just Becca by herself, but the two of them usually were able to banish the bad thoughts away. But adding a third party? And not just a third party, but Becca’s freakin’ mother? Agnes felt understandable terrified.

>> ”Ah’d understand if ye cannae, but it woods mean a lot tae baith ay us.”

Another sip of liquid courage and Agnes let out a sigh. She wasn’t catching the redhead’s mismatched eyes, but instead was looking down at the plate of quickly dwindling peeled shrimp. Her lips curled under her teeth in thought, before she finally did shrug her shoulders a bit defeatedly.

”I…I dunno…” she said cautiously. ”I mean…of course I’d love to…but…you know…” She sighed and finally lifted her gaze to meet her lover’s. ”I love your mom but River is already starting to get a little irritated with how many ‘functions’ I have to go to.” A beat. ”And I don’t feel right hiding…us…from your mother. I guess I’d rather way until we were official so we can tell your mom together. And we don’t have to hide…”

Rebecca was hoping her news would get Agnes excited. Her mother wanted to see them both, because she always approved of the one woman her daughter never stopped loving. It was a big deal for Rebecca to see her mother again, and she would get to share it with Agnes. It was meant to be one of those big steps back to being “together” in a greater sense. Yes, they were dating again, but back in college they were not dating; they were contemplating forever. Rebecca wanted to get back to that, but there seemed to be obstacles in their way, and some were not as tangible as a lingering fiancée.

Agnes made it clear that she was concerned about hiding their relationship from her mother, which gave Rebecca a sinking feeling. She thought the truth was implied in the request, but she was going to have to state it more clearly. Suddenly, that worried her.

”Ah get it isnae easy tae get away. Bit we hae time…” The whole discussion was moot if Agnes could not find the time to sneak away for dinner. On its own, the concern was valid, but not enough to say no to the plans. ”If need be, we can space it uir dates a wee mair, sae ye can tak' 'at one nicht.” They found time for date nights often enough to stave off intimacy withdrawal, but they were not seeing each other nightly. If they could find time to slip away together, it was hard to justify drawing the line at a special dinner.

It was one night, and as much as she loved her dates with Agnes, it was one night they would not have another chance at for a long time.

Agnes’s second issue was the real problem, and it had a simple answer. Rebecca was unsure of how the answer would be received, so her voice carried some trepidation. ”Ah wooldnae feel reit hidin' it frae 'er either. Which is wa... she knows.”

The truth lingered in the air for a moment. Rebecca could have said more, but she had to wait. She needed to give Agnes time to digest.

Her cheeks burned a little. River managed to sneak back into the conversation, even though she had attempted to steer the both of them away from it. She was stuck now, feeling bad about wanting to ditch on both Becca and her mother. They were both amazing people, people that she was in love with (differently, of course), but it was still a risk. As much as she wanted to spend time with them, to try and feel like a family, it just didn’t feel right so long as she was carrying on the masquerade with River. It killed her to say so, but, no…it wasn’t a good idea right now.

She did her best to try and explain that to Becca. She spoke in a low voice, one that was tinged with guilt, as she shook her head. Now wasn’t the right time. River was getting too suspicious, irritated with all the functions that Agnes had lied about needing to attend. To add something else to the docket, especially when it was getting harder and harder to make these dates within a reasonable span of time, it was proving to be too much. Something needed to give and as much as she wanted that time with Becca’s mother, the timing just wasn’t right.

>> ”Ah get it isnae easy tae get away. Bit we hae time…If need be, we can space it uir dates a wee mair, sae ye can tak' 'at one nicht.”

It seemed as if Becca wasn’t going to let the prospect of all of them spending the time together go. It was sweet of her, really, Agnes acknowledged that, but at the same time she knew she had to squash the notion. This was still an affair after all. They could always roll the dice and try to spend time with her mother as separate entities but that would have been only furthering the lie. She didn’t want to see Becca’s mother’s face when it was revealed that Agnes was with another woman, getting ready to get married.

The only other choice as admitting to her that they were having an affair and that certainly was out of the question. This was such a private matter, something that shouldn’t be shared around with anyone, least of all Becca’s mom. Deep down, Agnes feared that the woman’s opinion of her would just plummet and that was a risk she certainly didn’t want to take; she respected her too much to be able to withstand such a blow.

No, next time, when they were actually free to be together would be best. Then they could freely be a couple again around the older matriarch….

>>”Ah wooldnae feel reit hidin' it frae 'er either. Which is wa... she knows.”

Her eyes widened. Her mouth was agape. She confused, she wasn’t sure she heard what she heard correctly, but judging by the look on Becca’s face, there was no mistaking it. Her mother knew; Rebecca had gone ahead and told her mother what they were doing. Even though the woman was coming to see them both having that knowledge, there was still a part of Agnes that was terrified that the woman was judging them for their transgressions. Agnes couldn’t have been more hurt by the prospect.

Her eyes alit with hurt, Agnes shook her head as she peered closely at the woman. Bottom lip quivering, whether by angry, sadness, betrayal, it couldn’t be defined, but it was clearly not a good expression. Shaking her head, tears dotting the corners of her eyes, breathed a small, unbelieving breath.

”You told her?” she asked. ”Rebecca…h-how could you?” She turned, shaking her head.

Now Rebecca knew how her answer would be received.

(Poorly. It was received very poorly.)

The way Agnes’s eyes widened in shock, one might have assumed Rebecca had reached out and slapped her across the face. It was always a possibility that Agnes might not be pleased with Mackenzie knowing, but could it have been such a shock? When the lovers lived together, it was abundantly clear that Rebecca saw her mother as one of her best friends, and talked with her about everything. The biggest thing in her life at that moment was undeniably Agnes. How was she supposed to keep everything bottled up when her mother could catch a lie in her voice over a long-distance telephone call?

”Agnes, Ah… Ah hud tae teel ‘er. She’s mah mom. Ah teel ‘er everythin,” Rebecca said plainly, trying to keep her voice from shaking. She was already so worried about doing something wrong and screwing up what she knew would be her last chance with Agnes. She was not deluding herself into thinking things would be sunshine and rainbows, but she had subconsciously been avoiding challenging conversations or delicate situations. Now it felt like she accidentally cracked one of the eggshells she was stepping on.

Agnes and Rebecca could not have had more different upbringings. Rebecca had loving parents who showed her support and allowed her to confide in them. Agnes’s parents treated her like an unholy abomination and denied the wonderful person their daughter truly was. There were always friends who never understood how Rebecca could talk to Mackenzie so openly, and those friends had not spent portions of their life chained up, burned, and exorcised.

After a sip of wine and a steadying breath, Rebecca tried to defend herself. ”Ah gab tae mah ma when Ah need advice ur Ah need someain tae be happy wi' me. Yoo've bin th' hin' 'at makes me happy. Yoo're also th' hin' Ah need advice abit,” she admitted honestly. Rebecca was in uncharted territory, and while Mackenzie had no experience rekindling a romance with a former lesbian lover, she was wise and kind and a great listener.

Rebecca thought back to her conversations with her mother. Out of the many gems of wisdom she passed on to her daughter, there was one she remembered that applied to her current situation. If someone is upset, do not assume you know why; ask and try to understand. ”Whit is it abit me talkin' tae mah mom 'at really troobles ye, Aggie? Ah dornt want tae hurt ye wi' thes. Ye know 'at.” She almost added “right?” to the end of her sentence, but held back. If Agnes really thought that, after all this time, she did not want to know.