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Nurses were annoying. No, Persi was not eighteen and yes, that technically made him a child, but that did not mean he needed to be patted on the head and cooed at. Nor did it mean that he couldn't recognize pity, though he did sometimes manage to amuse himself by startling the nurses when he glared at them. What did they expect he'd do when they tried to bribe him... what, into happiness? Or just into lying to pretend he was happy? Even if that had been the problem, graciously condescending cookies wouldn't have solved it. On the other hand, graciously condescending cookies were less annoying than cartoon animals....

...Which were only slightly less awkward than roommates. Right. Persi had almost managed to not think about that. It was awkward enough dealing with people he didn't know.

...On the other hand, maybe the nurse would actually manage to be useful for once. Although there had to have been better ways to distract Aiden.

...Or maybe not, if the nurse managed to confuse Aiden that much. Or maybe he was asking something else? But there wasn't anything else he could be asking, unless Aiden had managed to forget what squirrels were or something, but that made even less sense. "Uh... a nurse?"

Well that explained... not much? Actually it just confused Persi more. Saphirus? Like, Saph? The pig? Why would Andrea (or anyone, but at the moment the question was about Andrea) be marrying a pig, whether it was possessive of clothes or not? That probably was not an appropriate question, but Persi would really like to know.

It wasn't appropriate, though, so Persi leaned over to look at the dress. He really did not pay much attention to wedding fashion, but he'd take Andrea's word for what was wrong with modern dresses. And dresses that lacked, from the sound of it, most of the top half would be pretty disturbing, especially at a wedding. Weren't weddings supposed to be formal and classy and stuff, not... anything associated with lacking clothing?

Well, the dress Andrea was pointing to was much better than the ones she'd been complaining about, anyway. "It looks like something a princess would wear." At least, as far as Persi knew. Maybe a queen? He really didn't pay much attention to dresses.

...Oh, who cared if it was a rude question? People did not marry pigs. Especially not nice people like Andrea. "And, um... Saphirus is like Saph, right? Your pig? That's possessive of clothes and everything?"

Persi was also troubled, though he tended not to designate it in terms of capitals. Of course, anyone else asked to describe him at the time (that knew about recent events, anyway, which was turning out to be a disturbing number of people) probably would have added some sort of emphasis to 'troubled,' and possibly several other descriptions, but Persi wasn't inclined to. Personally, he'd just describe himself as confused, and maybe kind of unnerved.

It had seemed like a really clear order. Near-death followed by constant pain seemed like a pretty logical lead in to the order to be in pain and die. Only he hadn't died, and for a while he thought he was just supposed to have injured himself and then been in pain longer and died later, only he already didn't hurt any more (more than had become normal in the last month), and... Persi had no clue what that meant. That he hadn't tried hard enough? That he couldn't try hard enough, and God was just informing him it was impossible? That he needed to find a different way to die?

It didn't make sense.

Persi didn't exactly want to think about it, but he couldn't seem to stop, either, and he did want to figure it out. Or at least, he did now; that probably wouldn't stay true once he understood. Still, it was really awkward to think about it around Aiden; Persi was pretty sure that if either of them ever learned to read minds it would be Persi, but it still seemed uncomfortable to think about around Aiden. Sure, Persi knew he was right, but he also knew that Aiden didn't know, and upsetting people for no reason wasn't something he particularly enjoyed doing. Not that Aiden should be upset, since he wouldn't even know what Persi was thinking, but it kept feeling like he might somehow know anyway. So Persi snuck out of his room and wandered around the Mansion to think.

...That may not have been a good idea. Upset Aiden was bad enough; upset Andrea was not something Persi was sure he could comprehend. Maybe he should just turn around and how she hadn't seen him... and couldn't tell what her snakes saw....

"That depends on the moment. Less than I'd like, right now." Seriously, even the worst rock song had to be better than nursery rhymes. At the very least, they were longer. Which was, of course, not at all what the brat had meant, but Persi didn't particularly care. Maybe he'd go away if he was confused, since annoying him clearly wasn't working. Ashes, ashes, we all fall down.

Persi gave up. If he was stuck humming nursery rhymes, he might as well hum the one that was actually stuck in his head. Ashes, ashes, we all fall down.

((WARNING: The point of this thread is a suicide attempt, and I tried to make it disturbing. If that might bother you, avoid it.))


Persi was bad at talking. That was obvious, frequently; he never managed to talk to anyone without offending them. Irri had been an exception, but then he'd had to be, and anyway he was gone now. Which was also Persi's fault, though in this case instead of it being because he was bad at talking it was because he was a coward. Or a wimp, or... something. They all kind of overlapped.

Will you swear on your life

Persi was, however, good at listening. Or at hearing, anyway; listening would involve learning and obeying, instead of just being aware, and Persi wasn't nearly good enough at either of those. But he could hear, and he could remember. Much better than he'd prefer to, recently, with the way his head would not shut up about whatever was stuck in it, but he couldn't get that angry, because at least there was one thing he was good at.

That no one will cry

And, occasionally, Persi could learn too. Only intellectual things, which was not a lot of use most of the time while he still sucked at anything physical, but it was probably the most important. Physical things only mattered while you were alive and had a body, which was really a very small span of time compared to eternity. Which would have been a nice thought, if Persi wasn't going to be spending that eternity in hell where being able to learn that he would be spending it in hell wouldn't matter anyway.

Can't breath until you choke

At least, he probably would. That was what made being able to learn worth it. Ignorance was (temporary) bliss, but knowledge was the opportunity to change reality. Persi had learned that mutants were sin, and had to go to hell, much better than he'd like and probably not as well as he should have, considering he'd then gone and become a mutant anyway. But he'd also learned that God was loving, and merciful, and that any sinner could be forgiven if they believed, and repented, and cleansed enough of their sin to prove that they were willing to. Persi thought he believed and repented enough--at least, he couldn't more--so all that was left was cleansing.

Gotta laugh when you're the joke

Actually, cleansing was all that had been left for a while. Persi had been shying away from it, because the only way to cleanse sin (of the level he needed to, anyway) was pain. Sinning deserved hell, but God would--maybe--spare sinners from the actual Hell if they suffered enough on Earth. Persi really didn't want to suffer, but he was going to no matter what, so it was smarter to suffer now and hopefully not forever later. He hadn't yet, because he didn't want to, because pain hurt and Persi was a coward, but he still knew he should. And, for some reason, God seemed to like him; most of the time, as far as Persi knew, God didn't interfere and let sinners make their own choices, but Persi didn't see what else almost dying and then being in constant (if minor) pain for weeks could mean except that God wanted him to prove himself. Refusing that order would be--Persi didn't even know what. Something far beyond sin; he didn't think there was a word for it.

Life is beautiful

Besides, what else was he going to do? Persi couldn't do anything while he was alive. He wasn't smart, he wasn't strong, he wasn't wise, he wasn't anything of any use to anyone. Instead he was a drain on everyone's time and energy and (currently the Mansion's) resources, and then even more of a drain because they had to pretend that they liked him and thought he was worth it all anyway. So he wasn't any use, he would never be any use, he was a leech on everyone around, and God had given him the clearest order possible to die. The conclusion was pretty obvious.

Will you swear on your life

So Persi waited until he'd figured out where people normally were at what times so he could sneak past without them noticing. This would have been much easier if he'd had his own room, but he didn't, and just because people would be relieved not to deal with him didn't mean they'd dare admit or act on it... especially Aiden, with how worried he always was about being a good student and whatever. So Persi waited for everyone to be asleep, snuck down to the kitchen for a (dull; he'd learned that would hurt more) knife and matches, and then out to the woods. The matches were stuck in a pocket for the walk, so that they wouldn't shake with his hand and make noise someone could hear. Anyone with that good hearing could probably hear his heartbeat anyway, but heartbeats were normal; rattling match boxes weren't.

That no one will cry

By the time he found a large enough clearing in the woods (and had gotten himself completely turned around and lost; for all Persi knew he may have circled the Mansion) everything else had been overwhelmed by cold. Persi hadn't wanted to ruin more clothes than he had to when they could go to someone that actually needed them, so he was just wearing a tee shirt and shorts, and they were not at all sufficient for October nights. That wasn't the point, though, so instead of considering going back for warmer clothes Persi kicked everything out of the middle of the clearing, then dragged sticks and leaves back into it. Getting them to catch fire took a while, mostly because the majority of the leaves were more damp than not, but it worked eventually. Persi dropped the box, then grabbed for it again and scattered the remaining matches through his pockets.

Just open your eyes

That was... easy, relatively. And then he spent several minutes kneeling next to the fire and staring while it smoldered, before remembering he was supposed to be actually accomplishing something for once.

I know things that you don't

Remembering probably technically made it easier, relative to forgetting and not ever doing anything, but Persi was still shaking and his thoughts were clinging even harder to the song to shy away from what he was supposed to do. He didn't bother blaming shaking on the cold; it might be or might not, and it didn't really matter.

I've done things that you won't

He should pay attention... but Persi couldn't do that and make himself move, so hopefully God would forgive him. The entire point of all this was that God was merciful, wasn't it? It had to be.

There's nothing like

Persi had never liked English classes, but he'd still heard things in them. It was difficult not to hear things in class, when he didn't dare sleep through it. And he'd heard a story once, that one of his classmates had written. There'd been the main character, and the character's brother, and the character's brother's boyfriend that no one liked, so they separated the boyfriend from the brother, so the brother killed himself. And the main character noticed that the brother had cut down his arms, and it was the most painful way to die. Persi was pretty sure that came with a 'of the ways the brother had access to' attached, and he wasn't sure the girl writing the story actually knew what she was talking about, but it was still the closest Persi had to knowing what hurt most, so that was what he did.

a trail of blood

God. That was what he tried to do. It hurt, and Persi only got one arm cut most of the way before dropping the knife on the ground. It took several seconds for him to get past the pain--not away from it, hurting was the goal, he couldn't afford to forget that now--and pick the knife back up.

to find your way back home

That... presented a problem. He couldn't hold the knife with the same hand he had to cut, and he needed to cut both arms. He ended up cutting across the arm he'd already cut while he tried to get his thoughts past the song and pain to figure out how to make the knife work again. Eventually he tried holding the knife between his knees, which made a much sloppier set of cuts, but they were cuts and they were bleeding and that counted, and Persi was getting dizzy enough he wasn't entirely aware of where he left the knife when he let himself lay down.

Will you swear on your life

He also wasn't entirely aware of the pain. That was a problem. And there was... something he'd figured out to solve that, only he couldn't remember what.

That no one will cry

He still felt cold. But it wasn't as close anymore.

At my funeral?

Maybe the cold was supposed to be it. It wasn't working.

Life is beautiful

...Oh. Not cold; fire. Opening his eyes wasn't difficult, but Persi had to force them to focus to figure out where the fire was. Not far from him, fortunately; he could reach for it without moving other than his arm.

Will you swear on your life

There. Now he could feel pain again. And he hadn't screamed yet; mostly because he couldn't, now, and he was crying louder than he'd like, but Persi was still kind of proud of himself anyway.

That no one will cry

And... there really wasn't anything more he could do, except try to stay awake so he'd hurt more. That didn't last very long either, but Persi tried.

At my funeral?

Hopefully God would be merciful.

Life is beautiful.

"Whatever." Aiden clearly wasn't listening at all. Persi flipped through the sketchbook to a blank page, and began sketching a stage. If Cafas was the star singer, who was the rest of the band? Kaitlyn could be in it.... Andrea and Evelyn didn't really have the right personalities. Juka definitely could... and maybe Miss Jackson?

"It's not that far. You're not even leaving the building." Which wasn't saying as much in the Mansion as it might in other buildings, but still. It wasn't that far. "If you aren't even willing to go to the kitchen, then obviously you don't want ice that much."