Dear Journal

Hiding you from the guards has been an easy tasks these days. Where previously you stood under a loose board on the wall I now keep you under my pillow. Getting something to write with hasn't been hard either. I think the guards are growing in disdain and becoming bored with us. There is so much public outcry they can't come down as hard anymore. I'd like to think of it as a glimmer of hope, but it feels more like a carrot being dangled in front of my nose.

The days go by in a blur as they always have. Shield modified my collar for me so that I can now speak with little to no pain. It's made these last few weeks bearable to say the least- but the day-to-day tasks are still mundane.

There are rumors of an breakout, but I'm keeping my head low. I don't want to grasp at strands that are easily broken but my heart still flutters and the murmurs. I wonder what life is like outside these walls? I'll feel like coming to civilization all over again. Will people act normal on the streets?

I'm training in case with the others. We're building up our endurance, testing the limits of the limitations the camp has placed on us. My mutation is changing, I am feeling stronger than ever before. I think I could do it... I could escape... but I'll write and think about it another day.

I saw Rupert. He didn't know I was watching. After our last encounter I don't want to meet his eyes. I feel like a different me. The old me was so weak and vulnerable. The camps have at the very least made me proud of being a mutant. Could Rupert still love me after all of this? I try to tell myself that it's possible though I know it to be a lie. I rehearse in my head, watch everything that has happened like an old film- and tell myself it hasn't happened. At least not the way I perceived.

Naveed waits for me on the outside. I'm surprised Rupert is still alive after meeting him. I'm sure Naveed will try to rectify it. Floyd is with him. I suppose there's always Floyd. Strong, silent, accepting. I'd be safe with Floyd. Safe and warm. but he's not Rupert. No, nobody will ever be Rupert.

Oh Journal, it's the heart of a girl inside this mutant chest that beats. I suppose you can't take that away even when locked away as we are. We really are just as human as everyone else when you strip it all away.

When I get out of here, I'm going to teach. I want to teach about peace. I want to talk about love. Real love. Unconditional love. That would be a nice class don't you think?

Until I get a chance to myself dear journal...

Raina

Dear Journal

I'm hiding quite literly in a hole in the wall watching for any other mutants trying to escape. It seems someone has come to rescue us- I'm not sure who but my brother and Flloyd were with them. They wanted me to take my revenge on all the people who have hurt me. But that's not me. I'm not an animal. Not ever again.

I hope my friend Sarah is ok. She has a fantastic mutation. I have such a strange connection with her... and I haven't seen her since the raid happened. Im just sitting here watching for mutants and icing some guards who come by unexpectidly.

Streak helped me out earlier. We bonded a bit during our training to escape. He also got me away from my brother so I could have some head space. I also ran into Rupert.

It wasn't good. I know now that he will never forgive me. I know he will never see me as human. Perhaps I really should just return to the tribe and marry Flloyd. Flloyd is nice. He'd take care of me. He'd be sure that no one ever hurt me again. But I love Rupert. So it's all very useless.

I had a dream last night of a young girl with black hair. Perhaps she was me when I was a child? I don't know. She was telling me to pull up my socks and be a big girl because she needed me. Heh, even my dreams get mad at me.

It's time for me to try again journal. If I die before I make it out of here I hope someone finds you. I want my story to be heard. Hopefully if I write in here again... it's from the mansion.

Raina

Dear Journal

I've been away from the camps for three weeks now... living at a hotel on money I'm not sure how my brother aquired. I'm too tired to ask questions at this point. Naveed and Flloyd are with me constantly hovering over me. At times I'm appreciative- I jump at noises, I hide in shadows, I wake up in tears... these are the times when I'm glad they are here. All those other times however... getting on my nerves.

It's funny how us people can jump from one fiasco to another... three weeks ago I was in a concentration camp fighting for my life. Now I'm dealing with officials who don't care that I'm a 'mutant' just that I may be an illegal immigrant if I don't get my visa renewed. What am I supposed to say? "Sorry, it slipped my mind while being tortured!" Yeah... like that would fly.

I've spent these last days trying to acclimate back into reality. One of the first things I did was cut my hair and dye it red. The first time I looked at it in the mirror I coudln't believe how different I looked. It made me think of something Rupert said. I almost got angry... until big brother did it for me. Got a big lecture about how I wasn't respecting our heritage... guess that's what big brothers are for!

Flloyd's been coaching me a bit on training my new power development. I learned that Flloyd has the power to see people's fears and portray them in the person's mind. It gives me the willies. It's nice to have Flloyd around though. He's familiar, comforting, safe. He thinks I might be able to stop my transformation one day. Or at least control it. It makes me wonder... is this how Ted feels each time?

I've been visiting the mansion grounds almost daily recently... trying to make up my mind to talk to someone. I keep thinking tomorrow will be the day. On my own time I guess.

My thoughts are pouring out so randomly... I wonder if it's just another effect from the camp? Constantly jumping around in body and mind to survive.

I'd like to think this experience has made me stronger... but I really just feel fucked up.

I've still got his jacket.

Raina

Dear Journal;

The days all seem to blend together, and habits I formed in the camps never seem to fade. Everytime I take off my clothes for a shower or bath and look in the mirror I am reminded of the camps. The thin red scar around my neck is desgusting. Bathing isn't exactly an easy thing either.

I'm starting to be able to seperate myself from the pain of transforming- like an out of body experieince... but I'm no closer to controlling it. I've had a few things spilled on me without major tranformation... even got caught in the rain without a giant tail popping up. It seems the transformation depends on a certain amount of water hitting me for a certain amount of time. I can't seem to shower fast enough to avoid getting at least scales that flake off down the drain. I'm working on it.

Rebuilding of the mansion seems to be coming along well. I've seen many old faces that I've missed. Ted among them. He seems so much older than his years now. I suppose the camps did that to everyone. We all seem to be coping in our own ways. Though, I wonder how somoe of them really are when they aren't infront of anyone else.

I'm still not sure what to do about my visa. Neena and I are planning to meet and speak about it. I'm trying not to think about it, but Flloyd and Naveed have both gotten theirs sorted out. Flloyd's going to be staying it seems. I guess I can't blame him. It's nice having him around but also annoying.

I've still got Rupert's jacket. I wonder if he really will come for it? My stomach gets in these tight little knots when I think about it too much. I want to see him, but then again I don't because I know it will probably be the last time. I wonder how things would have turned out if I wasn't a mutant?

I read online all the time about the cure for mutation. Radical things people have tried, things that have worked short term, long term, and things that have killed them as well. I wonder how brave I could be if I had the promise of Rupert? Emmy thinks I'm a fool for feeling the way I do... but it's not like I can control it.

I met another ice manipulator today. He was young, but sweet. It's good to be home. It's good to be getting back to myself.

Dear Journal;

A huge portion of the school seems to be rebuilt now thanks to the many new members we have at the school. The place seems to be flooded with runaways. How they managed to stay out of the camps I'll never know. The stories these kids have blow my mind. Some come from broken homes and broken pasts, others were dumped here by their parents out of fear. I'm lucky my own backstory is pleasent enough. My tribe was fearful yes... but always respectful.

There have been a lot of changes. I no longer fear for my visa as thanks to Neena the assistant head mistress, I now have many a job at the mansion. My main job is to be the music teacher. I haven't yet finished all my university courses thanks to the camps but I have been catching up now that we've got internet access back up. I think with my current schooling and experieince Neena isn't too concerned. I'll try and live up to her expectations. I'm taking on a bit of a role as a guidence councelor as well, though I believe many of the children are beyond my reach. Lastly, Im helping to greet and get new students set up. It's exciting to be a part of it. Whenever I meet mutants on the street I let them know about our school too.

I've met many new mutants while visiting through New York. Naveed and Flloyd are off my backs for the most part and have decided to stay in the city. I'm becoming better friends with mutants who have been on the team since I joined and before as well. It's nice.

I finally gave Rupert his jacket back.
It's funny how even in my own journal I'm avoiding talking about it. It was OK at first... but Rupert made his stance really very clear. He could never love a mutant.

I know what I must do. But I'm scared, confused. I want to talk to some of the other mutants at school and see what they think. I think I could still work well for them if I'm not a mutant... even be a sort of middle ground to bridge two groups. I don't know. I keep researching all these websites when I'm supposed to be studying. I just know someday I need to not be a mutant anymore. I've realized that nothing really matters to me as much as Rupert. I know it shouldn't be that way and I'm sure i've crossed that line into crazy (not that I wasn't straddling it before). But I just can't help it. I can't turn it off. I can't turn off these feelings. I can't ignore them. They wont go away.

I wish I'd fall in love with someone else. I know Flloyd loves me. He always will. I know he's there. I wish I could convince myself to love him back.

Maybe next time I write, I'll be a human dear diary.

Raina

Dear Journal

Where to begin- oh the things that have happened! I'm almost embarrassed to get into the details. Where to start? I guess with the important things...

I am officially the music teacher and guidance leader for the mansion now- and a full member of the x-men team. Both have been interesting. In regards to the teaching I've met a lot of students and staff and I've been working on getting the music classroom presentable. IN regards to the x-men I seem to have my differences with them. I find our meetings stressful and disheartening. I thought the x-men stood for justice and it seems I have different takes than the others on what justice is. I'll ride it through. I know I will.

I met with a doctor- Dr. Che. Iris came with me. The facility looked amazing. We got to meet many of the case-studies and I'm excited. I'm calling him right after I finish this entry to let him know I'll be going through with the procedure. Iris has been a great support and I find myself dancing around excited at the prospect of change.

Flloyd's going to help pay for it- but that's another thing all on it's own. Oh diary- I give up alcohol. I never though of myself as a promiscuous girl but thanks to alcohol I might as well have been. Flloyd and I sort of got into a situation prompted by a night singing at that mutant bar. I suppose it was my own fault- I'm just one damn lucky girl that Flloyd cares about me so much he didn't take advantage of me. It helped me come to terms with a few things...

Diary I am a fucked up girl. I am a fucked up girl thanks to Rupert Kelley. I think the only way to get over this is to become someone else. Someone new. I need to be reborn.

I guess the next time I'll write I'll be a human! One can only hope...

xoxo
Raina

Dear diary, Oh the things that can happen in a month!

I had quite the experieince with Flloyd which had left me even more confused about my feelings for him and for Rupert. I played a show and some songs I wrote to help me deal with things and there he was. Things got a little crazy and a little steamy. Point and case: Im an idiot.

I'm also an idiot for deciding to have that surgery. That was the worst decision of my life. I really believed in Dr. Che and honestly thought he was going to help me. Maybe he thought he could help me too until he got inside. It was scary and painful. I'm not much of myself since then.

I spoke with Garrett about it, about finding a purpose for me mutation. I guess that's all i really have left to do. it's not going anywhere