Tarin had agreed to at least try talking with Dr Rossi about what had happened to him. He was still very much doubting that it would help at all, but Lee was hopeful.

That was the good news, though. That Tarin was willing to try. When she had first brought the idea up to him, he wasn’t willing to even see the woman.

The other bit of good news was that Dr Rossi had an office in Manhattan, meaning that they didn’t have to travel all the way to Queens to see her. Because Lee was sure that Tarin would have used the distance as an excuse not to see the doctor.

But the day had come, and Lee and Tarin were sitting in a small waiting room outside the office Lee had had the session with Dr Rossi the previous week.

”Thank you for doing this,” Lee told him again quietly as she looked up at Tarin sitting beside her, giving his hand a slight squeeze.

A moment later, the door to the office opened and a man came out, followed by Dr Rossi.The man quickly left, and Lee glanced over to see Dr Rossi standing in the doorway. ”Tarin Brooks?” the doctor asked.

Lee looked over at Tarin again. ”I can go in with you if you want,” she reminded him softly. ”Or I can wait out here for you.”

So. This was a thing. This was a place they were. This was a thing that was happening.

Tarin kind of wanted to throw up.

It hadn’t been easy to agree to this in the first place, but it had seemed so important to Lee and such an ultimately simple thing for Tarin to do to make her happy that he’d said that he would try. Now though. In this office that looked like every other doctors office that Tarin had been in, it seemed hard to believe that there was anything special about this woman that would make her better able to understand anything he had to say. Yes, Lee had said that she had talked to the Doctor, and that the Doctor was a safe person to talk to. Tarin trusted Lee beyond words, but what if she was wrong?

Tarin barely heard Lee thank him for doing this and nodded absently when she squeezed his hand.

What if what he said, or the way that the Doctor reacted made Lee realize things about him that he didn’t want her to know? What if the Doctor thought he was simply too dangerous to be out and about in the general public. That would have never been a problem for Lee, Lee was so good and kind and…

This had been a horrible idea.

The door opened and Tarin jumped and a man quickly left the room and then the office. As the outer door opened and shut, Tarin wondered if he could get out there fast enough that they could just forget this entire thing.

The Doctor said his name and Tarin froze.

Lee was looking at him, offering to go with him or stay outside and the idea of being shut in that room alone with the doctor was almost enough to send him out the door.

”Come with me, please.” he said, standing up but not letting go of Lee’s hand.

As Lee sat there waiting for Tarin to tell her what he wanted ther to do, stay in the waiting room or go in with him, she was watching his face. He looked almost panicked. So panicked that Lee almost wanted to say to forget about this whole thing so she didn’t have to see that look on his face.

But the problem was, his face looked panicked when he thought about going in an elevator, too. That was a far more common occurrence, and Lee had no idea what else she could do to help him with that.

That was the reason they were here to start with.

”Come with me, please.”

”Of course, Tarin,” Lee said, squeezing his hand again as she stood up beside him. Then led him into the office.

It was a different room, in a different Borough, than when she had been seeing Dr Rossi years ago, but it looked very similar. There was still a couch, different but the colour was a close match, that she had spent so many hours sitting on. And there was still a chair sitting across from it which Dr Rossi was taking a seat in. As well as a desk and shelves of books that Lee had paid zero attention to unless she had been studiously avoiding looking at the doctor.

Closing the door behind them, Lee led Tarin over to the couch and sat down.

”Good afternoon Tarin. What brings you in today? Lee wouldn't tell me much other than you're having some issues with a phobia that you've had since childhood.”

And then they were in the room.

It looked like the sort of thing you would see if you typed “psychologist’s office” into a search engine, complete with the couch.

Somehow that didn’t help matters for Tarin because once again, if this was just an average therapist’s office, how the hell was she supposed to be able to handle the things that he had to say?

Tarin knew deep down that the things that Lee had needed to tell this woman were easily as bad and in a lot of cases worse than what he had to say, but in its panicked state his brain just couldn’t reconcile those facts with his current reality.

He had wanted to do this. Wanted to try, but now that he was sitting here on this ludacris couch, Tarin couldn't think of a single thing he wanted to say to the woman sitting across from him and asking about the deepest and darkest parts of his childhood.

As he sat there, knowing he was expected to say something and just not managing to muster it, Tarin just shook his head and sighed, not knowing how to start.

They were in the room, sitting on the couch. Dr Rossi had asked Tarin what the problem was that had brought him there. The problem that had prompted Lee to get this set up and have Tarin come in.

But Tarin just sat there. Silently. Still looking just as panicked, if not more so, than he had been in the waiting room.

Lee’s thumb rubbed slowly along the back of Tarin’s hand as she sat there looking at him. Trying to encourage him.

Eventually, Tarin just shook his head and sighed.

Lee knew that this was going to be hard. It had all been hard for her to talk with Dr Rossi years ago. It’d been hard for her to answer the woman’s questions the previous week when she had come in.

Tarin had never talked about issues before being with her, though. There were things that Tarin told her that he’d never spoken about before in his life, he had said. And though Tarin had seemed to open up more and more easily as the weeks and months had passed after that night, it appeared that it had simply gotten easier for Tarin to talk with Lee, not in general.

”Would it be ok if I tell her?” Lee asked Tarin, her eyes not leaving his face, her thumb still moving slowly across the back of his hand. ”Not everything. Just to get started?”

Lee was there and her hand holding his, the slow movement of her thumb over the back of his hand, was the only thing keeping Tarin on the couch.

He wasn’t angry, he wasn’t refusing to participate, he just couldn’t make himself speak.

Lee offered to tell the Doctor why they were there. She was there for him, not upset at his lack of participation, and it made him love her even more.

The problem with Lee’s offer was that Lee didn’t know the whole story. Lee didn’t know where things had started, didn’t know how things had gone when he had first come to New York.

He just couldn’t though.

Slowly, unable to look at Lee, Tarin nodded his assent for Lee to tell what she knew. Maybe he would be able to fill in the gaps.

Lee was looking at Tarin, but Tarin was simply looking at…some point in the room. He wasn’t looking at her, and he wasn’t looking at Dr Rossi.

But despite how much Lee was sure that he didn’t want to be there, he was still sitting there on the couch beside her, still holding her hand.

He wasn’t running. Even if it seemed he wasn’t able to speak, to explain to the doctor himself why they, why he was there.

When Lee offered to tell Dr Rossi the reason for him, she wasn’t sure how Tarin would take that. It was quite possible that he would tell her no, that he didn’t want her to tell Dr Rossi the reason. That’s why Lee hadn’t told the woman more than the fact that it was an issue with a phobia he had the previous week, Lee knew that Tarin didn’t like sharing these dark parts of his past with anyone, and it wasn’t her place to share.

The problem was, without telling Dr Rossi something, she wouldn’t be able to give them any help whatsoever.

Tarin still wasn’t looking at her, and still wasn’t speaking, but finally he nodded that she was allowed to tell Dr Rossi.

”Ok,” she whispered to Tarin before turning to the other woman.

”Tarin is claustrophobic,” Lee started the explanation. ”He has been since he was a child. He didn’t have issues with it for a long time, but recently he’s been having issues with the claustrophobia again. Hasn’t been able to use elevators because of it.

“The charity housing project that had that building collapse recently, we were there. Tarin got trapped. Tarin has never had a merge with another person, but I had described as best I could what it would feel like when it was about to happen. Luckily I was there when he was dug out; we think a merge could have happened, but I was able to stop anyone from actually touching him.”

Okay, they weren’t starting at the beginning. Somehow that made things a little less intimidating. They weren’t going to talk about the exposure training. They weren’t going to talk about when he was a kid. They weren’t going to talk about when all of these problems had started up again.

The panic subsided slightly and Tarin was able to breathe just the slightest bit easier as Lee spoke and explained just how bad things had gotten.

But then they got to the crux of the matter. It wasn’t really about the claustrophobia. It wasn’t about, making that better. Almost immediately they jumped straight into talking
about the merge that hadn’t happened that day. The merge that hadn’t happened because he had recognized it coming on and had told Lee to keep everyone away.

Every bit of relaxing or calming that Tarin had done was instantly doused and he turned to look at Lee for a moment before shaking his head and looking back at the silly little genetic piece of art across the room.

” It’s been an issue every since.” he said, voice a bit rough.

Lee watched as Dr Rossi nodded while she spoke. Taking in what Lee was saying both about the claustrophobia as well as the fact that there might have been a merge that could have happened, but that between the two of them, they had been able to avoid it.

Because Lee was looking at Dr Rossi as she spoke, she didn’t notice when Tarin turned to look at her, or when he shook his head. But the doctor noticed, giving another nod.

When Tarin spoke, Lee looked over at him. ‘It’ had been an issue? Was he talking about the potential merge, or the elevator issue?

Before Lee was able to question that, Dr Rossi spoke. ”You said that both of you were there, but only mentioned Tarin getting trapped. Where were you during the collapse, Lee?”

Lee looked back at Dr Rossi, confused. Why did it matter where she was, they were here for Tarin’s claustrophobia. ”I was beside Tarin when it started,” Lee replied, still confused. ”But he had a spirit drag me out as everything came down.” Lee still wasn’t very happy about that.

”As everything came down, with Tarin still inside,” Dr Rossi mused, looking between the two of them on the couch. ”Then when you got back to Tarin, there was the possibility of a merge.

“Which of those was worse for you, Lee?”

Lee tensed up on the couch as she heard Dr Rossi ask that question. That wasn’t why they were there. ”What does that have to do with Tarin’s claustrophobia?”

”Maybe nothing,” Dr Rossi answered with a shrug. ”But it’s still something that should be discussed since you’re here.”

As the woman had spoken, Lee’s eyes dropped from her face to look at the floor between them as she bit her lip. She didn’t want to answer that. The answer would not help with Tarin’s claustrophobia.

”Which of those was worse for you that day, Lee?”

But Lee also knew that Dr Rossi wouldn’t stop until she got an answer. She knew that from experience. Lee took a deep breath, letting it out in a sigh before whispering. ”The merge.”

The conversation really took off from there, only the words spoken weren’t between Tarin and the doctor. No, tje doctor had caught on to something and was running through it all with Lee.

Lee had brought up the building collapse, how Tarin had been trapped. He could still remember how that had felt, but the Doctor didn’t want to hear from him. No, she was pushing Lee for details about the collapse. Yes they’d been in there together, yes he had instructed a spirit to get Lee and her brother out of the townhouse as everything had started to fall.

Tarin been trapped inside, she’d been stuck outside. Lee had been incredibly up front about how the whole thing had made her feel, how angry she was that Tarin had made that choice.

But…which had been worse?

Tarin knew what he wanted to hear and also knew very quickly that he was going to be disappointed.

Eyes widening slightly as Lee finally spoke and confirmed that the potential merge had been the worst part of her day, Tarin took a deep breath and let it out. Lee had sworn up and down that she wasn’t scared of him, that the fact that the potential for that kind of merge to happen didn’t matter but that had been the worst part of that day?

”But nothing happened…I made sure…” Tarin said, wanting to pull his hand back, but knowing it would be a bad idea to break contact now.

Even before she had said the words, Lee knew that Tarin wasn't going to take it well. Because he just didn't understand. When they had finally talked about it, Lee had been completely truthful when she had told Tarin that she wasn't scared of him. That the possibility of him having that kind of a merge didn't change how she felt about him, that it didn't change anything in their relationship.

But that day, that had been worse as she sat there with him in the rubble, trying to calm his panic, unable to touch him.

Lee's eyes had slipped closed, so she hadn't seen Tarin's eyes widen. But that didn't stop her from hearing his voice. ”But nothing happened…I made sure…”

Hearing the tone in his voice, was it hurt? Betrayal? Sadness? Lee looked up at Tarin. ”I know nothing happened, Tarin. It's…”

But Lee wasn't sure what ‘it’ was, at least not in a way she could put into words.

”What made that worse? Why wasn't Tarin being trapped in the building as bad?”

”Because as soon as I stopped freaking out that he'd saved me but was still in there, I was able to figure out what to do next. I could try to figure out where he was so I could get to Tarin faster once I was able to go back in.”

”And how was the possible merge worse? What made it different?”

Lee turned a look at Dr Rossi, one that was clearly not happy with these questions. ” because you never know what might happen with a merge…”

Tarin didn’t know how to feel.

The Doctor was still progressing with this line of questioning and Tarin shook his head as Lee tried to explain how the potential for something that hadn’t ever happened had been worse than him being stuck under a building.

Tarin could tell that Lee wasn’t happy that with the questions she was being asked. Of course she wasn’t, because she had to have known what the things she was saying were going to upset him. Why hadn’t she told him before?

Tarin stopped trying to figure things out or draw his own conclusions and listened to Lee, looking right at her as she spoke.

It had been worse because she’d been able to make a plan to get him out once she’d calmed down.

It had been worse because you could never tell what was going to happen with a merge.

Tarin knew how Lee planned. How she felt like she needed to be able to run through every scenario that could occur so that she knew how to react. He knew how central that was to Lee being able to feel comfortable in her surroundings.

But she couldn’t plan for a merge. She couldn’t plan for him. Lee had said repeatedly that it didn’t matter or change things. But how did it not. If she needed to be able to plan, and there was this constant black hole of uncertainty around him…

”That’s why you got so mad when I went to the Mansion…” he said, to Lee and not the doctor. It hadn’t hadn’t been what he’d been doing, it had been what might have happened. ”Nobody else was even there…”

Tarin sighed and leaned back against the couch for a moment, ”Why didn’t you tell me?”

”Why didn’t you tell me?”

Lee actually looked over at Tarin now, a little confused about why she hadn’t told him. ”Because then it was over, we got you out of the building, and it didn’t matter?” Lee replied. And to her, it really was that simple.

Her eyes dropped down to look at their hands, still clasped between them. But her thumb had stopped moving. Making it start rubbing the back of his hand again as she sat there in thought.

”I don’t think I realized that’s what was so bad about them…” Lee whispered.

It hadn’t mattered?

Tarin sighed a bit and closed his eyes, trying to pull together all of the thoughts that were suddenly bouncing around inside his head and begging to just fly out of his mouth.

A few moments passed and Lee pointed out that she didn’t think she’d realized that the uncertainty was what bothered her so much. Tarin could understand that, he really could. With all the things that had happened to Lee and all of the situations she’d found herself in, it all made sense.

What didn’t make sense though, at least to Tarin, was the fact that nothing he said or did seemed to matter when it came to this topic.

”There’s also the fact that absolutely everything you’re assuming about the whole thing is related to a completely different person.” he said, a bit tightly, ”And it’s still never happened to me….and I can’t make sure it doesn’t happen if I can’t figure out when and how it’s going to happen. Or if it would happen at all and it’s not just a panic attack.”

He was still talking to Lee, but God it bothered Tarin that the Doctor was in the room. Why couldn’t they just have had this conversation on their own?

”I don’t know how to fix this.” he said, wanting nothing more than to go back to before that stupid building collapse and everything it had revealed.

Lee knew that Tarin hated people comparing him to her ex-husband, and Lee was always quite vocal about the fact that they were different people. So Tarin had a point. But then again, he didn’t because she did know that they were different people.

”I know you’re not him, Tarin, and know there are differences in how you use your powers, in how they work. That’s why I’m not worried about it happening in the future. Before, I was always worried, at least in the back of my mind, about when the next merge was going to happen. Not if, when.

“I’m not worried about that with you, Tarin,” Lee said, looking up at him again. ”I’m not worried because it hasn’t happened to you before. I’m not worried because I know you have better control.”

Lee sat and looked at Tarin for a few moments, giving his hand a squeeze. ”There is no ‘when’ in my mind. The only time there was an ‘if’ was that day.”