Saphirus was on a mission. Anyone who saw him stomping down the hallways of the mansion on that faithful day would be able to tell. It was strange, too, considering the clean shaven X-Man had spent the last two months slowly devolving into a shaggy depression caveman, only leaving his room to get food and grunt at people. Angrily. Here he was, though, bright eyed and bushy tailed, trucking down random hallway after random hallway.

Hell, his shirt was even clean!

"Anyone Seen Maya or Gawain. What @#$^in day of the week is it, anyway? No? Kay, bye"

He turned and walked out of random classroom 17, totally ignoring the fact that the classroom had been reasonably confused to see his spandex clad form storm in with a crowbar in hand.

"Aww, c'mon, that ape kid better not'v pointed me in the wrong direction, or I'm gonna Harambe the @!#% outa him." He looked at his watch. Not a lot of time. He looked at a mirror for a second... He'd missed a spot shaving. He needed more coffee. Yeah, the kitchen was the next stop. An odd look crossed his face, one of both suspicion and curiosity. He leaned into the self-viewing device hanging in the hallway, and whispered under his breath.

"You, eh... You there?" Silence. "Nope, that was a @#$^in stupid idea!" Glad no one saw that, you know, other than the two students behind him on the way to class. Coffee! Off to get Coffee and then to continue his search. Saphirus turned and strutted down the hallway like a merry Leonardo DiCaprio Meme. Headed toward the kitchen, and giving a large teenage monkey boy the stink eye as he passed.

Maya stood in the kitchen, arms folded, when Saphirus sauntered in. He looked a lot better than his most recent recluse self, which was definitely an improvement, but a clean shirt was in no way proof that he was any less unhinged than usual. In the middle of the whole rip thing, as well as the recent events with Becca and Agnes, Mirror had not had the time to pay as much attention to her teammate as she should have. But the moment she got word that Saph was going around with his trusty crowbar and yelling at people, she knew it was way past time to have a chat. So, when she found out that Saph headed for the kitchen, she mirrorhopped there herself, and waited, leaning against the counter.

"You know, threatening students with violence is not exactly in line with X-men policy" she noted, arching an eyebrow "I hear you have been looking for me?"

He walked into the kitchen and, low and behold, there she was! It was an odd day, then? Or was it an even day?

"You know, threatening students with violence is not exactly in line with X-men policy"

He blinked a few times, and looked down to the crowbar in his hand, chuckling.

"I'm on vacation!" He grinned widely, and walked on over to the coffee maker. The pot was still warm from earlier. He'd had a very early start to his day. Very. He hadn't slept. So much work to do!
"Sides, I didn't threaten him to his face, though he told me you were teaching Home-Ec, so I guess I shoulda figured he was messing with me. You, eh, didn't start teaching Home-Ec, did you?"

He quickly filled a random cup that might have been his from earlier, and put it to the side, turning to suddenly reach out and attempt to pop his hands out on either side of his fellow X-Man's face. Not threateningly, but more out of excitement. A glowing smile sat on his face as he spoke exuberantly.

"Maya. Can I trust you, and rely on your help?" He suddenly had a look of feigned seriousness on his mug.

Saph sure was chipper for someone who had just shaved off something that looked like a Cast Away cosplay. Maya folded her arms and watched hum bustle about the kitchen and go for a second cup of coffee. Or maybe a third? What the hell was going on?

>>"I'm on vacation! Sides, I didn't threaten him to his face, though he told me you were teaching Home-Ec, so I guess I shoulda figured he was messing with me. You, eh, didn't start teaching Home-Ec, did you?"

Maya opened her arms in a shrug.

"Do I look like I can run a household to you?" she pointed out. Cargo pants and X-men t-shirts did not exactly make a Home-Ec teacher. Let alone teen runaways with no formal education. Maya did teach some things a the Mansion, but Home-Ec was not one of them.

Saph glossed over the details, and turned so fast Maya winced.

>>"Maya. Can I trust you, and rely on your help?"

"I don't know, how high are you?" she shot back, giving him a suspicious look. "Help with what?"

"Do I look like I can run a household to you?" He chuckled at her response, and replied as if he'd struck paydirt. Clapping his hands together once, loudly.

"Great! You'll be just as lost as me! That's exactly what I was hoping for!" His look of excitement seemed only to grow with each remark. Was there a limit to this? Might he explode? Maybe, by the look of things.

He totally missed the wince as he spun, and she replied, asking him how high we was.

"Could 9, Maya. Cloud #$%&in 9! I can't even see the other eight from up here." He turned and started walking away as she asked what he needed help with.

"Follow me! I knew I could trust you! You're the best!" He practically skipped along, fairly certain she would follow out of fear he would break something as much as anything else. It became readily apparent he was heading for the sub-floors fairly quickly.

"Maya, I got some news. Some... Incredible news. But that also means I need help. Someone I can trust to help me do something I have no #$%&in idea how to do."

Hallways, doors, elevators aside, he ended his journey in front of the danger room.

"You in, or what? I ain't tellin you until you say yes."

Yup, Saph was definitel high on something. Maya sincerely hoped that it was excitement, or maybe alcohol at the worst, because the one thing she really did not need to deal with in her current daily routine was an X-team member and Mansion resident on drugs. And yet, Saph was positively bouncy. Was this some kind of a rebound from his recent funk?...

>>"Great! You'll be just as lost as me! That's exactly what I was hoping for!... Could 9, Maya. Cloud #$%&in 9! I can't even see the other eight from up here."

Maya rolled her eyes as Saph invited her along to... wherever the hell he was headed. She decided to tag along just so that she could make sure he was not completely unhinged.

>>"I knew I could trust you! You're the best! Maya, I got some news. Some... Incredible news. But that also means I need help. Someone I can trust to help me do something I have no #$%&in idea how to do. You in, or what? I ain't tellin you until you say yes."

The Danger Room? Maya's eyes narrowed. So, he was hopped up on some good news (or so he claimed) and it had something to do... with the Danger Room? The mirrorwalker sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose.

"Alright, I'll try to help you. Now will you tell me what the hell is going on?"

Maya gave her confirmation, and he smiled widely as he keyed in some things on the danger room door's panel.

<Activating program 1327-b- Operation learn2dad>

And with that, the door started to open, and to a chorus of lullaby music and crying baby sound effects, he looked to Mirror and proudly exclaimed. "Maya, I'm gonna be a dad!"

He strode in confidently, placed his hands on his hips, and took a deep breath. "And I ain't got a clue I'm doing." He looked back, the previously well hidden panic showing at just the corner of his eyes. "I found a parent training simulator deep in the danger room's files." He looked into the bright pink room with a row of cribs boasting different class titles and difficulty levels on them. "Tried to do it alone, but it requires a couple... And... Well, things are still a bit awkward between me and Shelby, and this is gonna be pretty @#$^in embarrassing."

He spun around to aim toward the mirror jumper once more.

"I gave a good bit of thought to who to ask for help. I needed someone trust worthy, and just as clueless as me when it came to this stuff. So, uh... Will you join the simulator with me? It'd... really help me out."

And with that, he gave the most pitiful ohgodpleasehelpmei'mlostandionlyknowhowtohitthings face.

>><Activating program 1327-b- Operation learn2dad>

>>"Maya, I'm gonna be a dad!"

Maya blinked as the door slid open, revealing... a nursery? With baby options? Her jaw dropped in shock.

"You're what now?"

>>"And I ain't got a clue I'm doing. I found a parent training simulator deep in the danger room's files. Tried to do it alone, but it requires a couple... And... Well, things are still a bit awkward between me and Shelby, and this is gonna be pretty @#$^in embarrassing."

"You found a what now?" Maya reiterated, half a beat behind the sudden developments. How did the DR even have a program like this? Was this something she needed to talk to Sam about? Or was this something cooked up by Ms. Taylor?...

>>"I gave a good bit of thought to who to ask for help. I needed someone trust worthy, and just as clueless as me when it came to this stuff. So, uh... Will you join the simulator with me? It'd... really help me out."

Maya blinked. Again. The door slid shut behind them, so she must have walked in, but she was processing too much to remember.

"Okay, alright, hold up for a second" she held up a hand, staring at the babies like any of them might explode at any minute "You brought me here to play house?!" good lord, Saph, he was still holding a crowbar "Okay, first off, I'm so totally not a mom. To date, I have had two not-babies, and..." the eyes. Lord, the eyes. Saph actually meant what he was asking. Maya sighed in defeat.

"Alright, alright, just give me a second here. Rewind. Who's making you a baby?..."

Great! Maya was just as lost as he was. Perfect! He powered through her questions as he explained why he'd brought her down here. He eyed the text suspended above the closest crib as Maya gave her incredulous protest: "You brought me here to play house?!"

"Maya this is important! It's a real learning thing! See?" He pointed to the quaint white floating text, which read: SWADDLING BASICS

"Okay, first off, I'm so totally not a mom. To date, I have had two not-babies, and..." And there it was, the barrier breaking down. Maya/Gawain really was the best for this kinda thing; A knight in shining armor when a desperate maiden needed saving. In this case, he was the maided. "Perfect, we're starting from the same place! I'm not a dad! Not yet... You'll hafta tell me later about the not-babies, though."

He grinned as she finally caved, but faltered when she asked who was making his baby. That was a strange way to ask it. "I mean... The baby is already... We made it toge- I mean... When two people love each other very much, or are very drunk, they..." He paused for a second, and sighed. "You know, Shelby. It was... There was this one time at a water park, and kinda after. Anyway, yeah, Shelby." I mean, who else would it be but his lie in girlfriend for the better part of a year... well, until two months ago, when she'd left in a huff.

"She's about three months along... So I got six months to get ready." He gave the baby in the crib a determined look, and reached for it. As he grabbed it the text floating above turned a bright green, and the room shifted around the crib, landing them in the same positions, but in a small room with no doors and several open windows.

<Welcome to Super Hero baby swaddling 101. Today's task will have one partner engage in swaddling the infant, complete with instructions, WHILE THE OTHER FIGHTS OFF A HOARD OF ANGRY SNAKES. This is to simulate the real-life risks of being a superhero with a child to care for. Simulation will begin in 3..2..1..>

He looked up at Maya and shrugged. "Uhhh... You got this?"

Off to the side was a collection of equipment with which to fend off snakes.

Saphirus got right to work pulling out what he guessed was the swaddling cloth, seemingly unphased by the small, but irritated looking snakes that started to slither in through the many open windows.

The mystery of how a parenting simulation ended up in the Danger Room was really something that gave Maya pause. Then again... it also had a dating sim. That occasionally tried to kill you. She remembered that all too well. A parenting sim had to be easier, right?

>>"I mean... The baby is already... We made it toge- I mean... When two people love each other very much, or are very drunk, they... You know, Shelby. It was... There was this one time at a water park, and kinda after. Anyway, yeah, Shelby. She's about three months along... So I got six months to get ready."

"You got your ex pregnant?" Maya blinked. Stones and glass houses, really, since she was not a stranger to drunk escapades either, but sheesh... Wait until Sam found out. At least Saph was taking all the responsibility in the world, and actually training to be a dad. That deserved some brownie points.

<Welcome to Super Hero baby swaddling 101. Today's task will have one partner engage in swaddling the infant, complete with instructions, WHILE THE OTHER FIGHTS OFF A HOARD OF ANGRY SNAKES. This is to simulate the real-life risks of being a superhero with a child to care for. Simulation will begin in 3..2..1..>

"A hoard of WHAT NOW?!" Maya asked, alarmed, as the scene shifted around them. Did it just say snakes? Superhero babies? Who the hell designed that thing?

>>"Uhhh... You got this?"

"What the hell?" Maya reiterated, grabbing the item closest to her, which just happened to be a fire poker "Why does it have to be snakes?"

How often did someone have to defend a baby from snakes while swaddling? Not since Hercules, as far as she was concerned.

"You really think this is what you need to learn about mutant parenting the most?..."

"You got your ex pregnant?"

The extremely focused X-Man on vacation huffed at the response.

"I mean, it sounds bad when you say it that way, Maya. She wasn't my ex at the time. I got my girlfriend pregnant... And, ehhhhh, then she broke up with me."

Saph's eyes widened a bit as Maya freaked out. "A hoard of WHAT NOW?!"

"Gee, I dunno, Maya, Did the freaky disembodied voice stutter?"

Why was she complaining, all she had to do was deal with some snakes! He had to do the hard job! He stared down at the fragile little baby and slowly reached out again. In his ear, soothing music started to play, as a calm, step by step instruction was whispered in his ear. "Oh, that's not so bad, huh..."

Hundreds of little green snakes started pouring through the windows, Saphirus barely noticed as he wiped nervous sweat from his brow, trying step one after failing one time. "Gees, this is harder than it looks. So you fold it there, and then do the... Why doesn't it just come folded, then?'

"You really think this is what you need to learn about mutant parenting the most?..." "Maya I'm trying to focus, here!" A small snake coiled, and leaped unrealistically at Maya's face.

Many others followed suit.

All the while, Saphirus was serenaded with classical music while being gently guided through the swaddling process.

If Maya had her bet on which X-men would knock a woman up and end up with a mutant baby, Maya's money would have been on Sam. Definitely. And yet, she was the one with the two pseudo-children, and Saph had managed to snatch up second place. Life was weird.

>>"I mean, it sounds bad when you say it that way, Maya. She wasn't my ex at the time. I got my girlfriend pregnant... And, ehhhhh, then she broke up with me."

"So what, you're gonna be a single father?" Maya ventured, but the program got in the way. The swaddling instructions had already started, and meanwhile...

Why did it have to be snakes?!

>>"Gees, this is harder than it looks. So you fold it there, and then do the... Why doesn't it just come folded, then?'

"This is stupid!" Maya protested as a snake freaking flew at her face. She batted it aside with the fire poker, but others followed, seemingly dropping from the ceiling or pouring in through the windows "This is so not what parenting looks like!... OW! NOPE! NOPE! NO SNAKES IN THE PANTS DAMMIT EWWWWW..."

It might not have been what parenting looked like, but the soundtrack was a damn near perfect metaphor.

"So what, you're gonna be a single father?"

He looked up from his delicate work to smile sheepishly. "Ehh, no, not exactly. We, uh, we are gonna give it another shot. The whole break up thing was sorta a misunderstanding. She thought I was sleeping with this... Crazy spider lady." He shook his head, dismissing the notion. Megan wasn't, by any stretch of the imagination, bad looking, but she wasn't even close to relationship material. More importantly, he was happy with Shelby. He did all of the work he'd done with Megan for Shelby's sake, after all.

He realized he was totally lost in sight when the music started to quicken in pace, and larger snakes started busting through the walls. Huh. Maybe he could hurry.

He got back to work, trying to concentrate through Mirror's struggles. "Ey, could you pipe it own a bit, I'm trying to listen to the instructions!"

The snakes were getting worse. Wait... was there one in the back wearing a hat suspiciously akin to those worn in communist China? Figment of the imagination, back to changing. He was.... almost...

A giant cobra tore through the ceiling.

Done!

Everything halted.

<simulation complete, you have earned the following merit badges: DADDY: Snake Smacker, Hottest Poker, That Doesn't Go There.> Three badges appeared on Mirror's shirt. <MOMMY: Slow Learner, Savvy Swaddler> Saph protested as two pins appeared on his shirt as well.

The room began to melt around them as he eyes his new pins and looked up to his unwitting partner. "I mean, it was pretty helpful. Kept me motivated, and who knows when you might need to defend your child, right?"

They were in the starting room again, Surrounded by a bunch of cribs. Saph looked over to Mirror for a second, grinned, and moseyed off to the next cradle.

"Oh man... Diaper changing. Great."

He reached for the baby.

Snakes. There were so many snakes.
Maya wished she had brought her archery gear into the DR. A fire poker was not exactly great, although she had good enough reflexes to bat most of them out of the way. Except for the one that found its way up one of the legs of her cargo pants.
EEw!

>>"Ehh, no, not exactly. We, uh, we are gonna give it another shot. The whole break up thing was sorta a misunderstanding. She thought I was sleeping with this... Crazy spider lady."

"Megan? She thought you slept with Megan?!" Maya was momentarily distracted from the snake issue. Megan had been her roommate, years before, before she quit the Mansion. She could not imagine her doing anything with Saph.

>>"Ey, could you pipe it own a bit, I'm trying to listen to the instructions!"

"I have had enough of these mother...!"

<simulation complete, you have earned the following merit badges: DADDY: Snake Smacker, Hottest Poker, That Doesn't Go There. MOMMY: Slow Learner, Savvy Swaddler>

"Wait a sec, how am I Daddy?" Maya blinked, extremely relieved that the snakes were gone, but not sure about the badges at all.

>>"I mean, it was pretty helpful. Kept me motivated, and who knows when you might need to defend your child, right?... Oh man... Diaper changing. Great."

"Okay how about I do the baby stuff this time and you can..." Maya started, but Saph had already booped the next crib "... diapers. Nevermind. Bring back the snakes."

She already knew how to change diapers, anyway.

Saphirus damn near @#$^ himself when Maya mentioned Megan's name. HOW THE EVERLOVING @#$^ DID SHE KNOW MEGAN?! He hadn't even said her name! Did that crazy goth know everyone in this #$%&ing city?! He definitely couldn't tell Mirror how HE'D met Megan. How would that even go? Soo, uh, yeah, we fell in love and then died horribly in a post apocalyptic terror-dream, and then the very different her helped me take down the crime empire of a giant cockroach. That wouldn't require any explaining.

"Uhhh, What, who's that?" It was an incredibly unconvincing response.

Stage one was finished and behind them, Saph grimaced a little bit at the MOMMY designation. "Old simulator can't tell what's what or something? I mean, the date on the file was from 1952, so..." He shrugged and grabbed the baby in the next crib. The floating text above the crib flashed green, and the room melted away as he replied nervously. "I never changed a diaper before..."

<Welcome to Super Hero Diaper changes 101. Today's task will have one partner engage in changing three diapers, along with instructions, WHILE THE OTHER FACES THE VERY REAL COMMIE THREAT!> Saph blinked and gave Mirror an incredulous look as three babies appeared in a large changing station ahead of him. He looked down on his task and gulped down his nervousness as a calm, gentle voice instructed him to prepare his supplies. Cloth diapers? Didn't they make ones you could just throw away these days?

Great. This was going to be a while.

Maya was now in an honest to goodness m4 Sherman tank outside of a quaint little house at the top of a hill. She appeared to be in a position of aiming the turret, all of the rest of the tanks occupants appeared to be the same gruff looking military official. One of them looked up to her, and spoke in a very stereotypical military hoot. "ALRIGHT PRIVATE! THE COMMIES ARE COMIN FER OUR FREEDOM! LET'S TAKE EM OUT!"

At the bottom of the hill, two comically dressed men in giant green and red costumes with giant hammer/sickle insignias on them started pushing a cart up the hill. The cart was full of cartoony bombs and TNT. The same gruff voice would scream in Maya's ears the instructions for the operation of the turret. Meanwhile, Saphirus glanced to a small screen viewing Maya's face. She would have the same off to the side. "Uhh... where the heck are you, Maya? And do people even still use baby powder?!"