It was 2:34 am. The soft glow of the alarm clock on the desk stared back at Kendra as she sat in astral form in the corner. No exploring tonight, only silent reflection. Silent reflection had quickly become her closest friend. That warm bitter taste in the back of her mouth, regret. She lazily looked over at her sleeping body. In her bed the form beneath the soft sheets rolled a bit as she repositioned for comfort. She didn't want to leave her room. Not even when she was sleeping. Kendra hadn't left this room for more than a meal in several days. The fact was, she was keeping herself secluded.
Kendra wasn't wearing he sling that kept her shoulder comfortable. It was lying on the table. She felt she needed to stretch her arm a bit it was getting sore for sitting in the same position. She was careful to keep her movements light and gingerly. Kendra sucked her knees up into the chair and wrapped her arms around her slender legs. Huddled against the stiff ridged form of her tense muscles. Why? It was the only thing running through her head. Why did I do it? She asked herself again. Her somber disquiet deafeningly loud inside her taxed mind. Kendra kept trying to find reason in her actions, but she simply could not. She remembered it. She remembered every single moment of it. She had lived it of course. She was there. She was beginning to notice something. Her brain was different. Not just because of her ability, or how it worked, but different on a whole other level. Her brain was conscious 24/7. She couldn't sleep and reboot herself, she was always consciously aware.
It was this very thing that caused her to developed these mood swings. Her mind was tired. It was always just so tired. She couldn't make rational conscious decisions even when she was fully awake. Let alone when some small part of her brain was sleeping. The strain of her mind churning at an endless pace caused her to become reckless, impulsive, devil may care. It wasn't an excuse, but it was a fact. When her mind became tired or over stressed she simply came off the rails. It was something she was aware of, but she had no idea how to fix. In these impulsive moments she didn't feel like herself. She wasn't crazy. Kendra didn't believe that she was really two people, but she did recognize the distinct change in her personality when she was being reckless or rash.
Still staring at the clock she cast it an dirty look. As if father time himself was the blame for her general decline in mental and physical health. He wasn't. That blame fell at her feet and hers alone. She knew that. Deep down she knew that it was her. Still, it felt better to point a finger and with no one watching who would judge her for it? The clock ticked to 2:35 am. Kendra let out a sigh and stood from her chair. This was her isolation, her quarantine from the rest of the world. She didn't trust herself not to get someone hurt. She had nearly gotten Artair into more than they could handle. She found herself glad that it was only her that had gotten seriously hurt in their endeavor.
Kendra moved around the room as if she was a bird trapped in a cage. The room was rather large. It had elegant soft yellow painted walls, neutral beige colored carpet. The room was decorated in simple furnishings a desk, a bed, a small nightstand beside it with a phone and a clock. It had all of the basics. Kendra moved over to the bed and sat down beside her body. Looking down on it she saw herself im peaceful slumber with a smile on her face. Quietly she mused if some tiny part of her was dreaming. A smile briefly touched her face, but quickly faded. Reaching out a gentle hand she brushed the strands of hair from her own sleeping eyes. She felt the soft touch of caring fingers on her own face as she looked thoughtfully down on herself. Why can't I feel like that when I'm conscious? Why don't I feel like that now? She wondered. If her body was so relaxed, her mind somewhere else in her own head so at peace.... Why was she such a whirlwind of regret and shame? Why did she feel like two halves of the same broken coin?
Kendra's body shifted as the uncomfortable thought rattled through both her astral mind and her physical body. Her body turned to face the wall and face away from herself sitting calmly at the edge of the bed. Sadness swam to the surface. She hadn't cried. Not once since she was shot. It hurt. It hurt like a son of a gun, but she hadn't cried. Not from the physical pain or the emotional distress it caused. For some reason however, staring at herself sleeping almost made her want to break down. It made her want to fall apart at the seems that she foolishly tried to hold together. It was that feeling of separation that broke her. That feeling that her astral mind and her physical body were in two places emotionally as well as physically that cast her into the sea of fragile beginnings.
Kendra reached out a shaky hand to pull the covers up over her own shoulder and stopped. A soothing breeze pushed through the curtains of the open window. That alone gave her pause enough to stop. She looked out the window and saw the stars. Silver stars and velvet skies..... She thought glumly. She allowed her hand to fall to the bed. She didn't cover up her sleeping body. The slight chill kissed her skin and she felt the coldness in her astral body as well. It seemed fitting. She felt sort of hollow, only fair that she would feel cold as well.
Kendra stood up moved over to the desk in her room. The clock on the desk screaming 2:37am at her. The clock was laughing like a madman. All this torment, all this discomfort and it had merely been minutes. YOU ARE IN HELL MY DEAR! YOU'RE OWN PRIVATE HELL! GET COMFY BECAUSE WE'VE EXTENDED YOUR STAY! The clock seemed to gleefuly chirp at her. She gave the clock another dirty look as she pulled back the desk chair and sat down. Her laptop on the desk was open. A screensaver was moving it's way across the dimly lit screen. 3D maze. She didn't know why, but it had always made her smile to see it. She didn't smile tonight. Instead she simply sighed and moved the mouse pad to send it away. It had been awhile since she had written one of these, but she had some things she needed to get off of her chest.
Opening up a new tab on her computer she click click clicked until the textbox opened. It was an online blog. In the top corner there was a little number that said 300 followers. She saw the name of blog. It read 'Restless dreamer." Her face pushed up in a little half awkward smirk and she crinkled her nose a bit. She opened a edit that would change the title of her blog and edited it so that it now read "Daydream." A soft sigh emerged from her body on the other side of the room causing Kendra to look back at her body once more. She was still sleeping peacefully. Her emotions radiating off her astral form and spilling from her soft lips sleeping on a softer comforter. Kendra looked back at the screen and began to type.
They say every man is created equal right? Then why is it that some of us just feel meant for something more? Why is it that some of us feel like we can be something greater? I'm not talking about doing extra charity work at the soup kitchen either. I' m talking about making a difference that could literally change the world. Sound vein? It is! But that's what I'm talking about. We all know about the mutant existence. Let's face it. If you're reading this blog you're either a supporter or you are one yourself. There's no shame in it. I thought there was for a long time...... I don't anymore. I am a mutant. I know, I know.... Probably had your suspsions right? I mean half of what I blogged about here was treatment of mutants and the rest was civil rights talk, but that's just it.... It's only been talk so far. I tried to make a difference in the world. I really did, I got a bullet for my trouble. I still feel this urge to reach out and heal the world, but maybe vigilantism isn't for me. Maybe my words are what can change the world.
I am tired of hiding and tired of being ashamed of what I am. No more hiding. No more feeling weak. I don't know how yet, but I will make a difference. Those of you who follow me I love the support that you have given me. I hope I can inspire you to be brave too. My name is Kendra Dillenger. I am a mutant.....And they call me Daydream.
