North, so somewhere snowy. She had guessed correctly. ”That must have been lonely,” Juliette commented, trying to imagine what it must have been like. ”It wouldn’t have been your fault, though, right? Mind control, I mean, you can’t exactly control that.” Another comment. She wasn’t looking for argument from him; it was more of a statement to assure both him and herself of where the blame was supposed to lie. Not on him.

She opened her mouth slightly in surprise as he used the g-word. She had been avoiding any sort of label, or any sort of conversation regarding the subject as much as she could, so she was glad he had done it instead of her. It took a lot of pressure off.

”It’s alright,” Juliette gave him a nod and another smile, ”I don’t think there’s really a better label for it, is there?”

The sunset, if a little foreboding, was also peaceful. She was calm, and not especially bothered by the information. The kids were fine, the school was fine, and it sounded like it wasn’t his fault. There were worse things that could have happened.

Ignorance truly was bliss.

”A label for what? Sam asked curisouly as the trailer they were on hit another bump. Sam winced slightly and leaned a bit more on Juliette. He took a breath of air and adjusted his position to what it was before the bump.

Ignoring the feeling of pain in his side Sam added thinking about the north almost too fondly. ”It was.” Sam agreed. ”It was also kinda nice, knowing that no one in hundreds of miles can be hurt by you or vice versa.” Sam said wishing he had a moment to stop himself. Sadly the doughnuts had nothing to get washed down with so he continued, ”I needed to be alone. It was good for me. Help me think, also came up with some ideas to stop myself if it happened again.”

”I could see everything that was happening while it was happening. At first I saw everything then… only what I wanted to see.” Sam said summing up his not-real family in a very, very simple way. He didn’t know what would happen if she asked him to go into more detail. Most likely he’d tell the truth and end up being in a sour mood until he could find some alcohol. ”I needed to be alone.” he said trying to change the subject. ”It makes me appreciate being close to people more.” he gave her a slight hand squeeze.

"For us, I suppose," Juliette shrugged at his question about the label comment. Friends really didn't work, and there didn't seem to be anything else. She braced both herself and him as the wagon lurched, loosing balance slightly. She didn't like to see anyone, especially someone she cared about in pain and not be able to do anything about it, but she didn't have much of a choice. There wasn't much she could do about a broken rib without medical equipment. Plus, they were stuck on the hayride until it was finished.

She was, however, going to make him go straight to the doc as soon as the ride was done. 

She nodded at his explanation, finding that even more questions arose from his statements. The way he spoke was rather vague, and things he mentions alluded to other things he obviously hadn't told her. But, it was obvious that even what she had been told took a lot, and she assumed that the thought of alcohol was crossing his mind, so she left the steering of the conversation up to him. If he wanted to tell her now, then that was fine. If he wanted to tell her later, then that was fine too.

"We can talk about something else if you'd like," Juliette told him as she returned his hand squeeze. 

Sam raised an eyebrow, ”Us what?” he asked looking out into the field of corn and pumpkin. Wondering how much longer the hayride was he focused on the squeeze he got in return glad he was where he was. ”I know we can.” Sam said agreeing with her, ”However, I think it’s important you know some things about me. You know…”

Sam shifted, ”Cause I kinda like being around you.” he the icemancer said as he squeezed her hand again and leaned in for a slight kiss. ”So…. You gonna be good with the sun being gone?” Sam asked trying to change the subject to something else but probably only made things worse seeing as he pointed out her fear and the situation she was in. The phone was supposed to help.

"Us us." Juliette rolled her eyes and smirked at him, "you're not that thick, are you?"

"Alright, what do you want me to know?" Juliette asked him, prepping herself for whatever was going to come. It couldn't possibly much worse than anything else he'd told her, could it? After all, she'd already been told about kidnappings, adopted children, and so much more. What else could he possibly tell her?

The sun... She took a deep breath a dodged the kiss that was coming in. Her hands clenched around his phone, and she tried to push her thoughts from her mind. No, she was not going to be alright, especially after being reminded about it again. "I'll be fine," she lied, her voice rather curt. 

”I don’t know…” Sam said returning the smirk knowing the answer and willing to share, ”No, I think I might be.” the icemancer said with a little laugh still not sure what was going on but he didn’t mind it too much. She seemed to be good at distracting him, real good which was why he was managing to smile while talking about his past. Something he didn’t think he could do.

”…. Other than that stuff…” Sam said thinking about it not wanting to bring down the date more than he already did with the morbid talk of his childhood and his life. ”I guess I was a mercenary growing up… didn’t really know I was.” so maybe he was far thicker than he had lead on now that he thought about it.

”You’re a bad liar.” the cyclopean x-man said pulling Juliette in a little bit by her hand that was intertwined in his. ”I can feel you death gripping my phone.” he said with a slight smirk, ”You’ll be fine, you got me, right?” Sam said. ”Sides,” Sam said pointing to the moon that was starting to appear as the sun set more. ”We’ll have some light.” he looked around and tried to find some more stuff he could point out for her. ”Now… were you always afraid of the dark?”

“Relationship? You and I? Anything ringing a bell?” Juliette smirked at him, a little exasperated by having to spell out what she meant. ”Nevermind,” she shook her head, just glad that he was managing to smile again.

Her face fell slightly as he delved further into his past. Mercenary. A hired soldier. So that’s what had happened to him after he was kidnapped. At such a young age, too. No wonder he didn’t know. At that age, kids could be made to believe just about anything.

She was suddenly reminded about something he had told her earlier. He needed to attone for some of the things he had done. That was why he stayed with the X-men. Had he meant what he did as a mercenary?

Juliette bit her lip, trying to maintain an easy, unquestioning stance, but it was getting difficult to keep up. ”What do you mean by you were a mercenary?” She asked, trying still to keep her voice light. She had a feeling that she already knew the answer, and she braced herself for it. He was young when it happened. Young and impressionable. Again, not something he could have possibly controlled.

The moon was a little brighter than usual, and the stars could be seen much easier than anywhere in the city, which was a bonus. It wasn’t all that bad, really. The tightness in her chest loosened a little as she allowed herself to be moved closer. The comfort was not unwelcome.

“Pretty much,” Juliette admitted, focusing on a rather bright star as the wagon moved along. “I’ve always kind of wondered about it, honestly. I don’t know if it would still be a thing if I didn’t have my powers, or if it would be a thing at all. Maybe my body just knew before I did.”

Sam turned his head and stared at her blankly for a second then smirked, ”Well… if you think we are I think it’s cool.” he said sending a little cold front out for a second to show that despite the serious talk he was happy for the brief change. However brief it was.

Sam nodded his head, ”It makes sense, I remember a winter with my brother when we were kids building snowmen.” Sam said thinking about when he was a kid not really sure where the memory was coming from. Maybe Juliette’s explanation of her fears triggered a memory. ”We were outside for a few hours, right? My brother had to go in after we finished the snowman because it was too cold but I felt fine. Like normal.” he shrugged and then his expression sank after figuring he best answer her other question.

”Just how you think I’d imagine.” Sam said trying to not say that he killed people, kidnapped and tortured them. When you say the words it seemed worse than it was, he killed hit men, assassins, literal monsters in the form of dictators and warlords. Those didn’t bother him as much as the others who just got in the way. While he knew what he did was bad he also known that some of it was necessary and if anyone had to do it he did. He felt guilt, it made him more motivated to do good and help where he could.

Sam let go of Juliette’s hand and clasped his together not sure what to do or say at this point so he sat in silence waiting for her to say something else. ”Not something you want to hear on a date I’m sure, or from your… boyfriend…” Sam said finally knowing that this wasn’t the best way to discuss what they were. Things were starting to get awkward even for him. He really needed a drink.

Juliette let her lips roll in slightly as she closed her eyes. It was what she thought. Maybe even worse. There were so many implications that came along with that confession, most of which brought her own morals into question.

Mostly, she just wondered how much of the training had stuck with him.

There were two possibilities: first, he could have broken all ties with whoever had taken him and turned his back on that way of life, or second, he could be still abiding by the teachings, and doing whatever he had been taught there. The first option was justifiable. He was a kid- a kid that didn’t know what he was doing, and there was nothing he could have done to stop it. The second, on the other hand, was where she couldn’t make excuses.

She took in a breath as she let everything sink in, leaning back against the wooden boards along the side of the tractor extension. Her fingers played idly with the phone case, one of her hands feeling the effects of the earlier cold front after Sam took his hand from hers. It dawned on her that trying to justify murder and whatever else someone did as a mercenary would have been completely unfathomable to her a few months prior, but yet she somehow found herself trying to do it then while sitting on a hay bale. It was funny how much life could change in such a short period of time.

The chatter of the people around them that she had managed to tune out for a little while came to light again, reminding her that the silence between them was palpable, and led entirely by her. Juliette turned her head away from the shifting landscape of the farm and back to Sam. She looked at him for another second, unsure of exactly what to say.

”I’d like to say that I’m alright with everything, but I don’t think I am, and I don’t know if I will be.” She sighed heavily and continued, ”but I understand, too. You were a kid, and there wasn’t much you could do about it. And you got out. You got out and now you’re doing good things for the world. That’s the best case scenario.”

The farmhouse was coming up the little path that the tractor was driving down, illuminated by a set of jack-o-lanterns that lined the area closest to the house. The ride was almost over.

”I just need you to tell me something. I need you to tell me so I can justify this in my head. Are you still a part of it? Of any of it?” Large brown eyes searched a blue one for what she was looking for.

It was rare for the icemancer to sweat unless he was working out however just sitting next to Juliette during this conversation made him understand the phrase sweating bullets. He regretted bringing this conversation up at all and regretted answering any questions she had. He didn’t however regret taking his personal battery on the date. Like he said, Sam enjoyed her company.

He didn’t need powers to understand where this was going, he had the sudden drop in his stomach as if it thought a break-up was in the near future. He felt slightly uneasy and kept his gaze forward. Sam let her stare at the side of his head for a second before he reluctantly looked towards her with his lone blue eye to meet her brown eyes, which he thought were beautiful. ”Not the way you’d think.” Sam said wishing he could just shut up and kiss her changing the subject. Sam knew he was a good kisser but not good enough to make her forget everything they just talked about.

Sam pointed to his head and tried to elaborate, ”I still see them when I sleep, and everything I did. Nightmares, dreams… one of the reasons I don’t sleep that much anymore.” he said as if it was an excuse for him to get drunk and pass out. It wasn’t, he just didn’t see anyone when he was like that. Just nothing. ”Been trying to put a stop to organizations like that, when ever I hear of one popping up.” the icemancer said his hands tightening into each other as if he could distract himself by breaking his hands.

”… I don’t want anyone to end up like me. Kids should just be kids…” Sam said finally his upper body turning towards Juliette. With his hands still clenched tighter than before he looked up at her. ”I understand if this is too much for you but I can’t change who I was. Only who I am and will be.” the icemancer trying to ready him self for her calling it quits.

”I understand if this is too much for you but I can’t change who I was. Only who I am and will be.”

She wasn’t entirely sure what she had been expecting to hear, but that definitely wasn’t it. Juliette let her thoughts settle for a minute as she considered everything he’d just said. In a way, it was thing he could have told her. To want make up for things in the past was something she’d always admired. It was something she could respect. It was something she wished that other people in her life would consider trying.

She didn’t really have anything more to say. There were more questions, but she knew that many of them could only make things worse. So, instead of speaking, she relied on movement. His hands were clasped together, so tightly that they had nearly gone white from the strain. She put her hand on his arm, moving it up between his two hands to break their grasp and steal one to hold. Then, she rested her head on his shoulder once again and felt the wagon slow to a stop.

Sure, she wasn’t entirely sure how she felt about things, but she knew how she felt about him, and how she felt about what he had just told her. It was enough for the time being.

”I think this is where we get off,” Juliette remarked after a second, watching as the rest of the riders climbed off the contraption.

Sam often lost himself when he reflected on his past like this the things that he had done and the things that he had lost. His hands grew ever tighter until he was brought back to the present when Juliette placed her hand on his arm then slid it down into his hands. His knuckles got color again when her hand slipped into his. Sam’s body felt lighter when her head made contact with his shoulder. Sam exhaled loudly and wished he could lean back instead he swayed with the stop of the trailer they were on when it came to a stop.

”Maybe we could stay here a bit longer?” Sam asked as he watched some people hop off and walk back to the main entrance and parking lots. Sam raised an eyebrow as he raised his eye up to the moon and the clouds and stars. ”Even if you’re afraid of the dark you have to admit this is a pretty sight.” the icemancer said trying to hide how vulnerable he felt.

With one squeeze of his hands Sam sighed and pushed himself up slowly starting to wonder if maybe Juliette was right about show boating earlier with the pumpkin goo guy. Even if she was right he wouldn’t admit it. Sam stepped down from the trailer with the help of a few ice spires forming stairs under his feet. ”I’m sorry about tonight.” Sam said finally.

They were among the last few people that lingered on the back of the tractor. A family with two young children stayed the longest of anyone else, trying to both of them off of the vehicle at once. After a few minutes, they were alone, save for the driver, who was eyeing them tiredly. Juliette glanced at him pleadingly, and he sighed in response, seeming to understand what she was asking.

"That was the last ride for tonight. Just don't take too much longer and make sure you lock the gate on your way out." He shook his head and trotted off in the direction of the farmhouse after pointing at the little chain link on the gated door on the side of the wagon.

"I think we're going to get a little longer," Juliette said absently as she watched the man leave and then glanced up at the sky.

Sam was right; as off-putting as it was, the night sky was beautiful. She didn't often stay out in the dark for extended periods. Her stomach churned a little, but she did her best to focus on the little details that broke apart the vast darkness. The stars that dotted the picture, mapping out designs and patterns that would make sense to someone who knew what to look for. They were trillions of miles away, and appearing to them from years ago, yet somehow they seemed close. At the bottom of the sky, the last trickle of daylight disappeared on the horizon, melting from a deep purple to the inky black of the rest of the sky. 

"What are you sorry about?" Juliette turned away from the view and back to the topic at hand. "I'm glad you told me."

”Waiting so long to talk to you about this.” the icemancer said uneasily. It was hard for him to be this honest with anyone it usually just ended up pushing people away eventually. He didn’t want that to happen here. ”That makes one of us.” the ice-mancer said a pained smirk as he attempted to stand but just plopped back down on his seat. He’d give it a few more minutes before attempting again.

”For obvious reasons I don’t tell people that much about my past. Makes them think differently of me.” he started his mocking tone of himself which was a higher pitch and more elongated way of speaking as if he was making fun of himself. ”Please don’t be afraid of me. I don’t want to hurt anyone!” Sam said chuckling nervously.

Juliette didn’t respond for a moment to any of what he was saying, instead grabbing his arm, so as to tell him not to go anywhere. He was clearly in pain, and they had been given the okay to stay there for a little longer. There was no need to push himself anymore.

“I get it. You’re in a position of trust with young students. That would be a lot for them to take in.” If the mansion were a normal school, then surely some sort of vetting process would stop him from teaching altogether, but she did not say that out loud. Instead, she moved on. “I’m glad you told me now, rather than later or earlier.”

She shifted in her seat a little, eyeing the dark sky. The moon was behind them, making it so the light from it wasn’t much help to her. Silently, she retracted her earlier inward thoughts about Sam not pushing himself. She wouldn’t mind if he wanted to play the hero and get them somewhere brighter quickly.

To distract herself, she asked another question: “how much do you usually tell people? If they ask or find something out, I mean?”