Bedside Confessional

Nate was on his feet, staring out at the city night through his bedroom window. New York was the first place he would dare to refer to as "home" since Raleigh. So much had changed in half a year, and the contents of those six months and the years that led up to them kept his mind from sleeping.

The room was dark, lit only with the light of a city that never sleeps pouring in. Nate stood, eyes meeting the reflection of a man in his boxers. Behind the man was a bed with a sleeping redhead hidden under bundled covers.

He should have been in the bed with her. He had been ten minutes earlier. The night had been great-- not just great, "the L word" great. They had both finally said the three magic words on an ideal day celebrating Quin's birthday, followed by a long, passionate night of celebrating Quin's birthday. She had drifted quickly and happily to sleep, and there was no reason for him not to do the same.

And yet he was awake.

She made him happy, and he was adjusting more easily than he expected to the life of a law-abiding citizen. He was painting more of his own work and he might even start teaching in a mutant school. As exciting as the rush of a theft well done was, Nate found himself surprisingly content with burying Stephen Graves.

It was through much introspection that Nate identified the awful emotion that was keeping his mind awake. Nate felt guilty.

He told a woman he loved her.

And he was lying to her face in an unforgivable way.

He sighed heavily, returning to bed with a weight on his shoulders. He lifted the covers slowly, cautious of waking Quin. Once he was comfortably sitting up in his bed, he rubbed her bare back with a warm hand.

With a soft voice, he spoke to his sleeping girlfriend. "I'm so sorry, darlin. You are the best thing in my life right now. It's not even a contest. You make me something I've never been before. And lying to you is the hardest thing I have to do..."

His fingers played with stray strands of hair, brushing the back of his hand by her neck. "You deserve so much more than this. And I want to give you everything I have, but I don't know how I can." How often had Nate considered confessing his past to Quin? He knew the woman he loved though; regardless of how she felt about him, the truth of a life-long conman could not go unpunished.

"If I tell you the truth, there is no way you will stay in my life. Would that be worth it? Would telling you and never holding you again be worth knowing I was completely honest with you? You are the first person who telling a lie to has crippled me like this."

"I've made mistakes. Stupid mistakes of my past I regret now for the first time. And I'm terrified that the day you find out, the revelation might break you.

He kissed his hand and pressed it lightly against her cheek. "I love you. And I am sorry."

The feeling of guilt was still there. Confessing and apologizing to a woman who would not hear it fixed nothing. He would have to learn to sleep with this feeling. He could not tell her. If she ever found out on her own-- if he was ever revealed, it would kill her, but he could not bring himself to look her in the eyes and break her heart with a confession.

He returned to laying beside her, an arm draped over her waist. He could never tell her, and she could never find out. It would kill her, and knowing he was the cause would kill him. He would find a way to deal with this feeling whenever it returned forever. Then he would die a guilty liar, but she would never have to get her heart broken.