((This thread takes place at the end of January))


Why couldn't things just be easy? They missed holidays, birthdays. They got captured and thrown into mutant concentration camps.

She died.

And they weren't talking about any of it.

Not that Lee normally talked about the bad things in her life; she'd always just pushed them aside and moved on so she could deal with what was still coming at her. But this was more than what she normally pushed aside and buried.

But unlike normal, Tarin wasn't trying to force her to talk about what happened. In fact, Lee had actually been talking about what had happened in Romania with Dr. Rossi.

Lee was a little frustrated, though when she got home from one of her appointments, though. They needed to talk, something that Lee rarely pushed for, but they needed to talk. Tarin needed to at least acknowledge what had happened to her.

Entering the apartment, Lee was greeted with Axel yapping and jumping up at her. She only spent a moment leaning over to pet the dog before making her way into the apartment to see Tarin sitting on the couch. "I think it's about time that we talk," Lee said softly as she sat down beside her husband.

It was quiet in the apartment…too quiet. Axel had even picked up on the mood and after a few failed attempts at getting Tarin to play ball had curled up on his little bed in the corner of the living room. Sleeping outside of his allotted space had been a bad habit he picked up while Rupert was babysitting, and Tarin and Lee had decided to leave it alone as long as the little dog didn’t do anything destructive. So far, everything had worked well.

Tarin was laying on the couch, wondering idly if Lee was doing the same thing. He’d stopped going to the shrink appointments with her, not that he’d dare call them that in her presence. The woman, Dr. Rossi, was actually pretty good at what she did…she’d been something of a lifeline after Lee’s little episode following the incident at King Pharmaceuticals. The problem was, when Tarin was in her office, he felt obligated to speak, and that was something he simply wasn’t going to do.

No matter how the situation had ended in the camps, there was a period of time where Tarin was pretty sure he’d lost his mind. There was another period of time he simply refused to think about. The penetrating look that Dr. Rossi leveled on him every time he was in her presence encouraged him to think about those things, and it was something Tarin simply wasn’t going to do. So Lee was going to her sessions alone. Tarin was dealing with things his own way, and doing just fine. Even if it almost tied his stomach in knots to know that she’d gone out somewhere on her own, out of his site, with nobody to take care of her.

The lock on the door clicked and Axel announced to the world that someone was coming into the apartment. Automatically, Tarin swung his legs to the side and sat, making room for Lee once she came into the apartment. She spent a few moments petting the overexcited dog, then made her way into the apartment to sit next to him on the couch.

>>”We need to talk.”

Tarin didn’t turn his head to look at Lee, he simply stared at whatever had been playing on the TV, something on the food network…an Alton Brown show of some sort. Lee was well aware of which topics were off limits for the time being, so this simply had to be something else. ”We do? What about? How was the Doc? ”

Tarin didn't know what she thought they should talk about. Or at least he pretended not to know what they needed to talk about. It had been more than a little bit of a bad situation, though, and even though she had started opening up more about the bad things, it was still hard for Lee to even think about, never mind talk about.

But the truth was, they were going to have to at some point. Something this big, they just couldn't continue pretending it hadn't happened. Yes, there were a lot of things that Lee and Tarin could pretend hadn't happened, and there were a lot of things that they had pretended hadn't happened, but she had actually died and been brought back to life. That was a little too big to ignore any longer.

"I know you don't want to talk about it," Lee said softly as she glanced over at Tarin."But we need to. There's really no way around it, Tarin, this changes things.

"I died[/b], Tarin," Lee finished in a whisper. "Isn't there anything you want to say about that, or because of that?"

She went there…Lee totally went there. Tarin didn’t say anything for a moment when his wife said the words he hadn’t even dared to think. Not since that kid had been in the shop, not since he’d almost completely lost it with a complete stranger who had somehow opened sluice gates. Sluice gates that Tarin had firmly shut and sworn to keep locked afterwards. It simply didn’t do to fall apart like that all the time. The problem was, any time he tried to deal with what had happened in Romania…that’s exactly what happened. He fell apart.

How was Lee handling all of this better than he was? She was the one who’d gone through everything…she was the one who had… The word struck in Tarin’s mental craw. ..he couldn’t even think about it, let alone sit here and talk to Lee. The nightmares were bad enough…he didn’t need this. What did it matter that sometimes when he looked at his wife, all he could see were her lifeless eyes, staring back at him. He shook his head slightly, everything was fine. He was dealing in his own way.

”No you didn’t.” he said, jaw set firmly…and if he tried hard enough, he almost believed what he said. In a way, it was easier than the truth. What had happened that day…was something Tarin still couldn’t wrap his brain around. Not really. Something Lee had said bothered him though…it changed things? He frowned.

”No you didn’t. You’re fine. Sitting next to me, so there’s nothing to talk about.” He stood up, and walked away, heading for the kitchen, ”You want a sandwich?” ‘

Tarin wouldn't even believe what had happened that day in Romania. It wasn't that he was trying to forget, he was trying to pretend it hadn't even happened at all.

Lee frowned. "I did, Tarin," Lee countered, though her voice dropped a little quieter still. "I might be fine now, but I did die."

Even as she was talking, Tarin was getting up, and then asking if she wanted a sandwich.

Lee blinked in shock. She wanted to talk about the fact that she had actually died in Romania, and he just wanted to have a sandwich. Lee got up and followed her husband, not letting him run from the issue. "No Tarin, I don't want a sandwich," she said, her voice louder, slightly harsher than it had been since she had gotten home.

"So you'd rather believe that nothing happened?" Lee asked. "That I imagined getting shot, falling...imagined seeing you holding my body, covered in blood..."

Lee trailed off there at the end, her voice growing a bit softer again as her eyes dropped. "It's fuzzy, but I remember that, Tarin. You can't tell me it didn't happen."

Tarin was already up and making his way out of the room when again Lee mentioned that she’d…she’d…. That whatever had happened as they attempted to escape the concentration camp had happened. She’d whispered, but Tarin hadn’t missed the words, or the slightly panicked little jerk that had gone through him as he digested. Why was Lee being so insistent about this? Why was she making such a point to drag it all out into the open? How were they supposed to go on with their lives if all they were going to do was dwell.

Once in the kitchen, Tarin carried on doing exactly what he’d told Lee he was going to do. Making a sandwich. Out came the bread, lunch meat, mayo, mustard, cheese, lettuce. The tomato stayed in its home. Tarin didn’t like tomato. Pretty much everything else, though, and the more ingredients, the busier he’d be and the less he’d have to think about the fact that his wife was being persistent.

Going through the motions was helpful, even if it was just the motions of making a sandwich. At least until Lee came into the kitchen and recounted, in detail, those horrifying moments in the camp where he’d almost lost her. No…when he had lost her.

The half-sandwich sat on the kitchen counter, and Tarin slowly put down the small knife he’d been using to cut up the lettuce.

Whywas she pushing so hard? Why now? Tarin put his hands, palms down, on the counter and leaned forward, refusing to look at Lee as she used the words she had to know would bring the memories to the front of his mind. If he really thought about it, Tarin could still feel the sticky dampness of the blood soaking through his filthy jeans. There had been so much he could smell it. And her eyes, Lee’s eyes staring at the roof of the cave, but not seeing anything. STOP! he said, his voice far more harsh than he intended.

”Just stop.”

He stood there for a moment, palms down on the counter like that, trying to figure out exactly what he was supposed to say to his wife. Why didn’t she understand that he couldn’t talk about this. Not yet, probably not ever. Talking about it with a complete stranger had nearly undone him.

”Why now?” he said softly, trying to press his hands through the counter so that they’d stop shaking. “ I can’t go there Lee. I just can’t.”

Tarin actually was making a sandwich now that he had gotten into the kitchen. She thought that they needed to sit down and actually talk about this, and he thought making a sandwich was a better idea?

Though, Lee realized, not that long ago, she herself had done just about anything and everything she could to avoid talking about things. And it had led to her own mental breakdown after the fight at King Pharmaceuticals.

And after that dream that her, Tarin, and Rupert had seemingly shared about the future.

" STOP!"[/b]

Lee blinked and stepped forward. She hadn't meant to upset Tarin like this, but they needed to talk about it she thought.

And then he asked why she was pushing him about this now. Lee swallowed and put her hand on his shoulder, turning him to face her. Almost without pause, Lee wrapped her arms around Tarin's neck, hugging him close. "I know it's hard," she whispered in his ear, her eyes squeezed closed. "Believe me, I know. And I don't by any means intend to dwell on it, but how can we possibly move on if we don't at least acknowledge what happened?"

Another swallow, her eyes squeezing closed a little bit tighter, then Lee continued. "We need to move on. I want to move on."

Lee didn’t leave when he shouted, she rarely ever did. That hadn’t been the point of the shout anyway. All Tarin wanted was for Lee to stop talking about it to let it retreat back into the comfortable little space he’d walled off in his head for the memories to go. She wasn’t going to though. It shouldn’t have been surprising, not with as well as Tarin knew Lee…when she thought something was important, she persisted until she saw it through to the end. This was obviously one of those situation.


He felt her hand on his shoulder and Tarin didn’t fight as Lee turned him to face her. Her arms went around his neck and his automatically wrapped around her waist, pulling her close. At this distance he could smell her hair, and feel her breathing against him. It was so easy to remember those agonizing moments when she hadn’t breathed, when the only thing Tarin had been able to smell on her was blood. He shuddered subconsciously and held her a little closer as she explained exactly why she was pushing so hard.


When Lee finished speaking, Tarin didn’t release her, he just stood there, holding her close and trying to put words to the rampaging feelings swirling in his head. It wasn’t that he really refused to acknowledge what had happened…just the…death part. Obviously if she was standing in front of him, Lee was alive. There simply didn’t seem to be a reason to continue speaking about what had happened. But Lee was asking him to, how could he say no?

”The problem with acknowledging it…that….it happened…is that then I have to admit that it’s a possibility Lee.” When Tarin spoke it was still quiet, and his voice was hoarse with emotion he’d blocked out since they’d left the camp.

”I watched everything in my world crash down around me in a few seconds…” his voice dropped to a whisper in her ear, ”God, I don’t think I’ll ever forget your eyes…”

He still wasn't saying the actual word, still wasn't saying that she had died, but he was hugging her back and he was talking. That was more than Lee had been able to get him to do before this point, this was more than she had ever been able to get him to say about what had happened in the camps.

And then he said that he didn't think he would ever forget how her eyes had looked, and all Lee could do was nod. There were more than enough things that Lee had seen that she would never be able to forget either: the look in Tarin's eyes when he was merged with a spirit, when he had been stabbed in Columbia, when he had been in the coma...

Lee took a deep breath, still not pulling away from Tarin. "But we've always known that it was a possibility, Tarin. From the very start, it's been a possibility. This was," Lee had to stop and swallow the lump that had formed in her throat. "It brought everything to the forefront, so much more than it had been before."

As they stood there in the kitchen, simply holding each other, Tarin replayed the horrible events of that day in the camps over in his head. Lee’s…injury hadn’t been the only thing he’d done that made the situation difficult to deal with. It had been more than self-preservation that had driven him to instruct the brutality of the spirits. The blend of how he’d been treated had participated in a merge of its own, with the exhilaration of the collars being turned off and the desperation to find his wife and get them both out of there safe. Then there was the other thing, the one he’d hardly dared think about. He had enjoyed it. A small part of him had loved watching those guards get what they deserved. Tarin Brooks had taken on the role of jury, judge, and executioner over and over on that day, and he hadn’t blinked an eye over it at the time.

Lee pointed out how what had happened brought everything into a clearer focus, and that made the lump in Tarin’s throat grow even heavier. It did bring things into focus, specifically the possibility that he simply enjoyed ending lives. He shuddered again.

”Something being a possibility and watching it play out in front of you are two completely different things.” he said finally. ”Tempting fate that way…If Sebastian hadn‘t been there…” Tarin trailed off, his head shaking slowly as it rested on Lee’s shoulder. It had to have been the other man, his immortal goodness that had taken the merge in that direction. It had surely never responded to need in that way before. ”We got so lucky.” he finished again.

"I know, hon, I know," Lee replied, giving Tarin one last squeeze before pulling back. "I know we got very lucky. Isn't that in itself reason to talk about it?"

Even as she looked at Tarin, Lee knew that he wouldn't think that this was enough reason to stop pretending what happened hadn't.

And maybe, after they had talked about it, they could pretend it hadn't happened. But that was just it, they needed to talk about it.

Taking a deep breath, Lee leaned back against the nearby counter and looked up at Tarin. "I still want my chance, our chance, at a normal life together, Tarin," Lee said softly. "After everything that happens to us, after what happened in Romania, maybe we have to really work at it to make sure we can actually get that chance at normal."

Lee moved back and Tarin let her, removing his arms and going back to making his sandwich. It had only halfway been a distraction from talking, and he’d already started making the thing. Besides, it was easier to talk when he wasn’t looking at Lee. Compartmentalization was something Tarin was working on. As long as he didn’t look at his wife while he talked about her being dead, he was capable of handling it. At least to a degree.

She agreed that they were lucky, and Tarin couldn’t help but wonder how she was so nonchalant about the whole situation. It wasn’t that she was blowing it off, not that at all, and she was the one insisting that they air everything out…but the fact remained that she had died. There, he’d said it , at least in his head, something that Tarin hadn’t done since a certain teenager had entered the shop. How was she doing it?

As he mad the sandwich, Lee spoke, and Tarin nodded his head slowly. Lee had always been very insistent that their lives be as normal as possible. Something they’d really had to work on juggling once they got involved with the Kabal. It went pretty well, unless they were on a mission, something they were really going to have to talk about with Slate. There was some inherent risk in the types of missions they were involved in, but there had to be a way to minimize the risk.

”We’ve always had to work at normal Lee, this is nothing different. I just don’t think we’re as good at it as we like to think.” The sandwich was nearly done, and as Tarin added the cheese, he shook his hand, ”I think at some point we’re going to have to admit the inherent weirdness in our lives and make our own brand of normal.”

It was easier to talk about this, it was removed from the uncomfortable topic of what had happened in Romania, Tarin cut the sandwich in half. ”Was that what you were talking about though, or something else?”

Tarin did have a bit of a point, they had always had to work on being normal but she had thought they were doing a pretty good job at it until they'd gone to Romania, all things considered. Apparently, she had been wrong.

Tarin had gone back to making his sandwich, so Lee just stood there, eyes slowly dropping to the floor, a small crease forming between her eyebrows as she thought.

"We were happy, right?" Lee asked quietly after a few moments of silence between them. "I mean, I don't really remember it, but in that dream, we were happy. We didn't have problems, regrets, anything like that?" As she finished speaking, Lee glanced up at Tarin through her eyelashes. She needed him to confirm this, since while she could somewhat remember some feelings from it, Lee couldn't remember any of the actual details from the dream.

Tarin picked up half the sandwich and took a bite, he’d done a good job. Crispy lettuce contrasted with the soft lunch meat and the tangy mayo, sandwiches were awesome. His brain was doing much better too, he’d managed to speak with Lee about what had happened in the camps and hold it together. It wasn’t exactly denial that was holding him back, it was simply the fact that acknowledging what had happened meant accepting everything else that had happened as well. That was too much, and why Tarin was relieved for Lee’s change of subject.

Dark brows drew together ad Tarin tried to puzzle out what Lee was getting at with her questions. This was a topic that she usually tried to avoid. To Lee, it was nothing but a fuzzy dream with vague memories. Rupert had confirmed that it really had happened….somewhere….but Lee didn’t remember anything but feelings, or the memory of feelings. Tarin nodded.

”Blissfully happy. Somehow we’d found that happy median I was talking about a few minutes ago. There was balance…there were still problems, and things that screwed with our normal, but they were all things we’d figured out how to deal with.” Things like his merges, they’d been frequent in the dream…Tarin could remember having a set procedure for getting Alice to Rupert’s when it wasn’t safe for her to be at home. The memory still made him frown, hopefully that part of the dream wasn’t real. He hadn’t completely answered Lee’s question, though.

”As for regrets…I don’t think we really had any. Nothing had held us back from making our life what we wanted it to be. It was a very peaceful thing…except for that sickness…everyone was scared of it.”

They had been blissfully happy. And while there had been some problems, as Tarin had pointed out was pretty much a given considering their powers, they had been happy, with no regrets.

And peaceful, Tarin continued. Lee nodded as she closed her eyes.

Lee had been thinking about this almost since they had gotten back from Romania. Well, maybe not this, exactly, but Dr. Rossi had pointed out that in order for Lee to feel things had gotten back to 'normal', she had to figure out what she considered to be normal. What she wanted her normal to be. And along with that, Lee started thinking about what she wanted to make she had in her life, what she was able to do with her life, before it was over. Again.

Opening her eyes once more, Lee looked up at her husband. Despite how he had always said that yes, he did want to have children, there was always the possibility that Romania had changed things for him, too.

So, taking a deep breath then letting it out slowly, Lee plunged in. "Do you still want to have kids?"