Things weren't getting any better. If possible they were getting worse. Tarin had felt optimistic, actually optimistic as he'd talked to more and more people about the mansion, found out more things about it. It was still a blip on an imaginary map though, and Tarin had no idea how to approach things. The problem was, the more he heard, the more Tarin was convinced that the people at this mansion were some kind of law keeping force among mutants. Would they think he needed put down like a rabid dog?

Lee wasn't helping matters either, when she'd agreed to stay, optimism was the word Tarin would have applied to the situation agian. He'd been wrong, so wrong. Lee was there, if you considered her physical being and location. As his wounds had healed though and he'd started to try and deal with what he'd done, though, Lee drifted further and further away from him, away from what they were. All of his attempts at reconciliation were adamantly rejected and that wasn't helping matters...in fact Tarin was almost ready to give Lee the freedom she so obviously was craving.

Then there had been yesterday...Lee had gone out. Not too unusual in and of itself, but when she'd come back to the apartment she'd been even more detached than what had become usual in the last two weeks. She also looked like she'd been crying. All of Tarin's attempts at figuring out what the problem was were greeted with silence and finally Lee had shut herself in her room.

The nightmares were vivid, oh so vivid and Tarin was sleeping less and less. As Lee stayed locked in her room, Tarin sat on the couch staring at a TV he wasn't really paying any attention to and wondered if this was what it was like for Lee when she couldn't sleep. He couldn't fight it forever though and sooner rather than later, Tarin's eyes slipped shut and the nightmares came back.

When he thought about them later, Tarin never really knew if they were nightmares or not. They were always so vivid and he could see their faces, feel the bones breaking and almost feel the womens' terror as he did those horrible things. Deep down Tarin knew they weren't dreams, they were vivid imprints left in his mind by the spirit who'd taken up shop and caused him to do those horrible things.

As always, he'd woken up shaking and absolutely sick to his stomach, curled into himself. Still on the couch, Tarin sat up, dropping his elbows onto his knees and cradling his head in his hands for a few minutes to fight the nausea before pushing to his feet and going to turn on the coffee maker. Then it was back to the couch, sitting down and letting his head drop back to look at the ceiling. Optomism sucked. Totally sucked.

After she had left the zoo, Lee hadn't taken very long before she had gone back to the apartment. Pretty much just long enough to make sure she wasn't going to start crying again and to make sure, as she passed shop windows, that her make up wasn't smeared too badly.

Still, as she had suspected, that hadn't been enough to hide it from Tarin. He knew her too well, knew her moods, her body language. And he knew how to push for information. So it didn't take Lee long to just decide to go to bed for the evening. As long as Tarin stayed in the apartment, Lee wouldn't have to seriously worry about energy. That was one good thing about small places.

But despite having called it an early night, Lee had laid there in bed and thought for hours. Thought about Tarin. Thought about Sam. About the Chinese restaurant, the zoo. Thought about how it felt when Sam had touched her hand, when she had touched his, when he had kissed her.

To be honest, despite all her worries about her powers, which were not helped by the stunt Sam had pulled while she had been touching him, it had felt nice to touch someone again, to want to touch someone again. But at the same time, it had felt wrong.

Was Tarin right, Lee wondered as she drifted off to sleep. She knew that she loved him, but did they really belong together? Were they supposed to be together?

*****

Lee grumbled when she heard her alarm blaring in her ear beside her. Still, even though she heard it, and it was annoying the hell out of her, it still took a full thirty seconds before Lee was able to roll over and turn it off. Then it was out of bed and searching for coffee. Lee only hoped that Tarin had thought to set the machine the night before since she hadn't.

It still felt weird, walking around the apartment in her pajamas, silk boxers and a tank top. At least it did now that she and Tarin weren't together. But Lee wasn't going to think about that. She was already in the hallway, almost to the kitchen, and she could smell the coffee brewing.

Reaching the kitchen, Lee grabbed a mug out of the cupboard and turned to the coffee maker. It hadn't quite finished brewing yet, but Lee didn't really care. Pulling the decanter out, Lee filled her mug as quickly as she could and replaced it in the machine.

Then she started drinking. She still hadn't noticed the fact that Tarin was sitting on the couch, or that the TV was on. She didn't have the energy for that yet.

Tarin didn't know how long ago the alarm had started to go off. The rhythmic and loud beeping noises were almost like a mantra, Tarin concentrated on them, hard and for a while it was easy to drown everything else out. For a few short minutes the guilt wasn't heavy in the back of his mind. The guilt about so many different things.

Then the beeping stopped and Tarin sighed as the spell was broken and all the emotions rushed back with his lack of concentration. Then the door to Lee's room opened and out she came. Tarin watched her walk through the room in the trance-like state she always seemed to be in when she woke up somewhere else other than laying next to him.

Tarin didn't really move, so it didn't surprise him when Lee didn't notice him sitting there. It was impossible to push away the longing that sliced through his chest as he watched her in the boxers and the tank top, drinking the coffee like it was some kind of elixir of life.

Tarin hadn't planned on saying anything to Lee when she'd left the room, but he couldn't resist. If he didn't say anything he was going to end up crossing the room and wrapping his arms around her from behind...just to feel normal.

"Morning." he said, turning his head to regard her and trying to sound chipper despite the near exhaustion that pulled at him from the nearly sleepless night.

Lee had already drank half of her coffee, not that that really took long in the mornings, when she heard Tarin's voice coming from the living room.

Turning, she saw him looking over the back of the couch at her. Looking more tired than what had become normal for him recently. He must have had more nightmares last night, Lee realized. She hadn't heard him having them, but then again, she hadn't had all that much energy when she had gone to bed, so when she fell asleep, she had been out.

"Morning," Lee replied. Her voice didn't even have the fake note of chipperness in it that Tarin's had. What was the point? Even if she had had the energy, he wouldn't have believed it.

He really wasn't looking all that great, though. It might not be to quite the same degree as her, but Tarin clearly looked like he needed coffee, and she was much closer to the pot than he was.

Without saying anything, Lee turned again, facing the counter once more, and grabbed another mug. A bit of sugar, a dollop of cream from the fridge, and then Lee filled that mug as well as topping up her own. After a quick stir, Lee grabbed both mugs and made her way to the living room.

Handing Tarin his coffee, Lee sat. Not as close as would have once been normal, but at the same time not as far away as she had been trying to be the entire two weeks she had been there.

"Sorry I didn't wake you up last night," Lee told him softly.

She turned back to the coffee pot and Tarin wondered if this was just one of the same, almost automatic motions that she'd been going through for the last 14 days. The cream, the sugar, even if t was something she felt obligated to do, Lee still knew exactly how Tarin took his coffee, and made it perfect every time.

Over to the couch, to him, she came and she sat, almost in arms reach. Tarin wanted to reach out and touch her so badly. More of the normalcy he was craving. Something, anything to distract him from the thoughts rolling around in his head, the memories that were still persisting from the night before. He took the coffee Lee offered and took a long sip of it. "I turned that on for you...but thanks." He said softly, automatically shifting his body so he faced her.

Lee was apologizing now, apologizing for not being there to wake him up during the nightmare and Tarin shrugged his shoulders. "It doesn't matter." he said softly not meeting her eyes. "You can't always be there to chase away the boogey man...even though you've done an awesome job so far."

Lee shrugged when Tarin said that he had turned the coffee maker on for her. When didn't he, when it was him turning it on? Lee had a feeling that the thing would barely be used if it weren't for her.

"You looked like you could use some," Lee replied with another shrug. She felt the couch shift, and turned her head slightly. Tarin had turned toward her, something he seemed to do whenever she was even simply in the same room. A movement that had also caused him to move slightly closer to her. Not a big deal, Lee thought. Even if it hadn't been occurring in the last couple weeks, and even if she had been gone for months before that, it still felt normal, natural, for Tarin to be closer than he currently was.

That wasn't the case with how Sam had been close to her the previous day; even if she had enjoyed his company, his close proximity had still felt strange, awkward.

"What help am I if I'm not chasing off the boogey man, though?" Lee asked. Was that teasing, a joke? It was too early for Lee to be able to tell.

But he wasn't looking at her again. Or, at least not at her eyes. Fine. Lee took another sip of her coffee, then let her eyes follow the mug back to where it was resting on her knee. How was she supposed to say this? Did she want to tell him?

"I was thinking last night," Lee started slowly. Yeah, that was a great way to start. Make him think something was wrong, though in reality, just about everything was, wasn't it?

Lee lowered her head, her eyes closing. "I'm not sure I can again..." She whispered, a note of pain and longing in her voice. "But I'm not sure if I can't anymore..."

Lee's brow furrowed as she finished speaking. Even she wasn't sure she understood that, and she was the one who had said it.

Tarin sipped the coffee again, and even though he'd never really intended to drink it when he turned on it tasted really good. "I did need it..." He said, holding the cup in his right hand as he draped his left one over the back of the seat.

Lee was avoiding his look as much as he was avoiding hers and Tarin sighed slightly, looking down at the coffee in his cup. Lee was fidgeting a bit and then she spoke and Tarin looked up at her. Trying to puzzle out what was going on in his head, he couldn't sort out what Lee had said and what else was going on for a few minutes, then he chuckled softly.

"Oh Lee..." he said, shaking his head slowly, "One of these days you're going to realize that I'm serious when I say that I'll wait for you."

She was still within arm's reach and Tarin dropped his hand from the back of the couch and moving slowly and watching Lee, he laid his hand on her knee. She might flinch away, but that was okay.

Tarin shrugged, "It's been over for me for ages...and I know things have been rough...and bad...and worse than bad, but I think if you give me the chance we can get through this and be happy again. No...I don't think everything will ever be the same...I don't think it can be...but..." he stopped and shrugged.

Lee's eyes shot up to Tarin when he started laughing. He was laughing about what she said? And then he spoke, and while at least she understood what he now found humourous, it didn't make Lee feel any better.

"You're not the only one who's said that to me," Lee whispered, her eyes dropping to her coffee cup again. Well, Sam hadn't actually said 'forever', but it was close enough when he said it, especially when he had coupled it with his thoughts on her powers, and how he was too stubborn to have them effect him badly. Or at least to a serious degree.

Then Lee started worrying. Did she really want to tell Tarin about all that? She hadn't mentioned Sam to him before, hadn't even mentioned the fact that she had been meeting someone yesterday, never mind the fact that it could possibly have been considered a date.

But then Lee felt a touch on her knee, and even though she knew it was Tarin, despite what they were talking about, what she had brought up, Lee jumped. She didn't push his hand off, though. Didn't glare at him or yell at him. After that initial jump, Lee didn't move, just simply sat there looking at Tarin's hand where it was resting on her knee as he talked again. Again trying to convince her that while things couldn't be like they had once been, he thought they could be good again.

What was she supposed to say, though? Like she had thought just moments earlier, she had been the one to bring this up, she had to say something. But what? "I'm not sure I can actually do it again," Lee mumbled, leaning forward to set her coffee cup on the table in front of her. Then her hands reached up to her neck, unfastening the slim chain there.

The next second, Lee was letting the chain slip through her fingers, leaving the ring there, glinting slightly in the light. The ring that had not left her neck since she had found the chain to put it on. "I'm not sure, now that I'm here, that I can leave again, though...."

"I thought we'd established a while ago Lee, that I'm a little different from anyone else who may or may not have said things like that to you." Tarin said, softly, but with no ire or peevishness, then leaned back and sighed, "I'd never try to force you to be with me though...you know that Lee. If you're really unhappy then I'd rather you do what you need to make you happy, no matter what I said before. I don't want you sticking around out of some weird sense of duty. It would only make it worse in the end. I want you...I want you more than anything in the world, but more than that I want you happy."

She had jumped when he'd touched her, just like Tarin knew she would, but more significantly, Lee hadn't moved his hand away. Then she was reaching up around her neck and unhooking the chain that her ring hung on. Tarin didn't move, just watched, sure she was about to hand it back to him, maybe she'd just leave. His heart leaped up into his throat and he said a silent prayer that wasn't what was happening.

She didn't hand it to him though, she let the chain slip through her fingers, leaving the ring sitting in her palm as she studied it, then she spoke again and it was Tarin's turn to study her.

Keeping his hand where it was on Lee's knee, Tarin leaned forward and set his coffee cup on the floor then sat back up, still quiet and still watching Lee.

"This is going to make you uncomfortable, but try to ignore that...just this once."

That said, Tarin scooted forward, moving his hand from Lee's leg to wrap with his other arm around her body, enfolding her in a gentle hug. "Get past the initial fear and tell me if this feels wrong." he whispered against her hair, "If it does, then there's nothing else to discuss."

"Who said it was someone who had lied to me about it?" Lee asked in a whisper before she had even thought about what she was saying. After the words were out, Lee knew, she knew that Tarin would ask about that. Guess it was too late now, she would end up having to tell him about Sam. But not until he asked, and only as much as he asked. She hadn't asked to know about his exploits at the bar, after all, yet had been stuck seeing them.

Playing with the ring slightly as it sat in her hand, Lee saw Tarin set his coffee cup down out of the corner of her eye, then sit back up. His hand on her knee still felt really strange, weird, yet at the same time very natural, normal.

And then Tarin told her that 'this' was going to make her uncomfortable. Lee's eyes shot up to Tarin, though her head didn't move. He was moving closer to her, his hand wasn't on her knee any more. And then his arms were around her, hugging her, whispering in her ear.

As soon as his arms had touched her, Lee tensed up. Her body stiffened, muscles locking, hand closing around the ring at the contact. But otherwise, Lee didn't move. She didn't push him away, didn't hit him, didn't start yelling. She didn't do any of the things that had become normal for her when people touched her now.

After a minute, Lee took a breath and closed her eyes. "Tarin..." she said. Her voice wasn't exactly soft, but it was quiet. "Please...I'm not ready for this..."

Tarin frowned at Lee's words, a furrow forming between his eyebrows as she pointed out that maybe nobody had lied to her. "I never said anyone did Lee..." he said softly, tilting his head and frowning more. Was that what the escapade had been the night before? Had Lee been out with someone else? Sudden jealousy welled in Tarin and he hadn't even confirmed his suspicion. Like a balloon deflating, though, the anger and jealousy deflated from him and his shoulders simply sagged. It wasn't like he was innocent of the same...and he was pretty sure Lee's tryst, if there was one, hadn't ended with her date in a plastic bag...several plastic bags, he corrected himself morbidly with information from the dream.

The hug didn't go as well as planned either. Lee didn't pull away, and didn't hit him, she didn't even yell at him. In fact, she held still for what had to have been an immense amount of time to her. Then, her voice low, Lee asked him to stop, to move away. She wasn't ready...yet. Tarin clung to that one word like it was a handhold on the face of a sheer cliff. The only thing keeping him from plummeting down into a bottomless pit.

Slowly and carefully, Tarin unwound his arms from around Lee's body, shifting backwards to his previous, casual position reclined against the cushions of the couch. After a moment he reached down and picked up the coffee, taking another liberal sip and regarding the woman sitting so near to him. Tarin swallowed hard under the pretense of swallowing the coffee in his mouth and spoke.

"I'm sorry that was uncomfortable for you Lee, and I understand if you're not ready yet...but you didn't answer my question? Did that feel wrong...or tainted...like something you need to get away from? If it did...I think it's best for you to not stick this out. It's killing me...and I'm not getting any better this way. It was a mistake to guilt you into thinking you needed to stay." Tarin paused a moment to let the words sink in.

"On the other hand..." he continued, "If under the initial shock and discomfort from the stuff that's happened to you...that felt comfortable...right...stop trying to hard to convince yourself that this can't work, and let things happen in their own due time."

That was it...cards were on the table, it was up to Lee now and different parts of Tarin were hoping for different things. Above all, his whole being craved resolution, he needed to know where his life was going to go now, and if Lee couldn't provide that, Tarin didn't want to think about it. He just waited and hoped for a straight answer...something that seemed evasive to this point.

Lee was surprised when Tarin didn't actually ask any questions about what she had said. All he had said was pointing out the fact that he hadn't actually said anyone had lied to her before.

Maybe he's just too wrapped up in this now, Lee thought. This was all very major, and rather confusing, after all. Especially with how she was saying things. Even if he wasn't asking about it now, Lee was sure Tarin would bring it up at some point. But she didn't see the jealous expression crossing Tarin's face; she couldn't, she was looking down rather than at him.

At least, when she told him to stop, Tarin did. With how he pulled his arms from around her, Lee could tell it was very reluctantly done, but he did pull away almost as soon as she had asked him to.

And then Tarin was talking. And talking. Asking questions, demanding answers, but not giving her time to give those answers. Really, it was just as well, Lee didn't exactly have those answers yet, anyway. So while she listened to Tarin, Lee opened her hand and looked at the ring sitting there again.

But then Tarin stopped talking. He was going to want an answer now, at least of some kind. But what was she supposed to answer first? The hug?

Had that felt wrong? Had she wanted it to end because of that, not simply because it felt weird, uncomfortable, because she wasn't ready? And what about them?

"It didn't feel that weird," Lee said softly, her eyes still on her ring. "It's going to take time, if I ever really feel comfortable touching again..."

Lee trailed off. The touching, the contact, did feel nice, she had missed it, but at the same time, the worry was even greater now when she was touched than it ever had been before the Camp.

Without another word, her bottom lip drawn in between her teeth, Lee picked the ring up out of her palm and slipped it onto the finger of her right hand. Even as she did it, Lee knew that Tarin wouldn't like this, would have much preferred the other hand, but Lee couldn't, just couldn't do that. She wasn't there yet, wasn't ready. She didn't know if she ever would be again.

Tarin could see how relieved Lee was when he pulled away from the hug. It was unsettling at the least to see her react like that to his touch when before the camps she'd been so eager for contact most of the time. Tarin frowned, none of that would have happened if he'd have just paid more attention and shoved the red-headed hussy out of his lap on first sight instead of allowing things to progress how they did. Tarin shook it off, he was expecting Lee to try and move on from those things, he would have to as well. He didn't even try to touch the killings though...that was going to take way more than he had the capacity for at the moment.

She didn't know if she'd ever be ready to touch again. Tarin actually smiled a sad little smile as he shook his head. "Lee..I'd already pretty much committed myself to a life of celibacy once for you...what makes you think I wouldn't do it again? Don't get me wrong there...sex is great...more than great with you...but it's always been about way more than that and you know it."

Then she was slipping the ring out of her palm and onto her finger and Tarin breathed a sigh of relief. Sure it was on the wrong hand and Tarin didn't miss that fact for one second...but people didn't just go from being completely estranged to engaged again in a single moment. This was a delicate situation and it was going to take time. He couldn't help but think though, how nice it was to have his thoughts occupied with something hopeful as opposed to the darkness that so easily overtook him at times.

Tarin nodded, he wanted to hold her again, and his hand on the back of couch moved, almost of it's own volition, but he stopped it and dropped it back on the cushions. This would move at Lee's speed, and Lee's speed only. "You want some breakfast?" he asked, glancing back towards the kitchen..."I can't remember the last time I made an omelet...and I think there's still some good eggs and cheese in there."

Lee didn't see the sad smile that appeared on Tarin's face when he heard her, but she could hear it in his words. Six months, that's all the time they had spent together, and yet even after being apart for months, Lee could still hear the sadness behind the smile in his voice without seeing it.

Yes, back then Tarin had said he'd wait for her, but she'd been waiting for him to decide it was too much of a wait. And even after things had progressed for them, a small part of Lee had still been waiting for him to leave because things weren't moving as fast, or as frequently, as Tarin had been used to before dating her.

And then Lee blushed, her eyes still lowered, when Tarin brought up sex. More than great with her? Not that it would actually change anything, speed anything up, but it did seem odd to Lee's ears. How could it have been 'more than great' with her, as inexperienced as she had been when they got together?

But Lee wasn't thinking about that any more. Tarin hadn't said anything about the hand she had put the ring onto. She had heard a sigh, but no words. And then Tarin was asking about making breakfast, and Lee looked over at him again finally.

He didn't exactly look happy, and to be honest, that was an expression Lee missed seeing on Tarin's face, but he was looking far less troubled and upset. "You'd better make sure those eggs are good," Lee threatened lightly. "Cause they've been here longer than I have. If you give me food poisoning, so help me..."

Grabbing the chain that had dropped into her lap, Lee grabbed her coffee once more and slowly followed Tarin into the kitchen. He probably misses seeing me happy, too, Lee realized, and the guilt hit her.

Guilt about having gone out with Sam the previous day, even if she and Tarin hadn't been together at the time. Guilt because, at least from what he had said, Sam was waiting for her to be ready so they could go out again. But most of all, Lee was feeling guilty because she had actually been happy the previous day, despite the fact that so many things had reminded her of Tarin. Well, at least she had been happy until Sam had pulled that stunt on her.

Sitting down on one of the chairs in the small kitchen to stay out of Tarin's way as he cooked, Lee pulled her legs up and curled her arms around them. "Rachael's going to be ecstatic when I ask her to send the rest of my stuff back here," Lee said slowly, a small smile curling one side of her lips.

Tarin figured he'd never get tired of seeing the flush run up Lee's neck and into her cheeks. He wondered if she'd blush darker if she knew that her whole body flushed when she was embarrassed. It was probably too soon for that though...definitely too soon for that.

She followed him to the kitchen and Tarin started to rummage around in the fridge, pulling out the items he'd mentioned to Lee when he brought up the omelet. "I'm not that poor of a cook Lee." he called out of the kitchen when she placed herself in a chair in the dining nook.

As he cooked, Tarin hummed softly, again enjoying the opportunity to think of something other than what had happened over the last couple of months.

Tarin whipped the eggs together with vigor, noting happily that they were still good. Tarin seasoned the eggs then, adding dill, garlic and just a touch of seasoning salt. Then came the cheese....ah the cheese.

It didn't take long to make a huge omelet and while there wasn't anything to eat with it, Tarin shrugged and cut it in half. Then he put the who halves on separate plates and carried it out to Lee just in time to hear her say how excited Rachael was going to be. Tarin laughed.

"Well good..." he said with a grin, "Maybe she can help you carry it all then. Dig in..." he said, setting down the plate with a flourish.