How long had it been since she had slept? Lee wasn't entirely sure; the more she looked at the clock, the more Lee worried about the fact that Tarin hadn't woken up yet. Not that she wasn't worried anyway, and not that she hadn't frequently checked on him since he, the spirit, they, whatever, had passed out, exhausted, on the kitchen floor. But at least if she wasn't checking the clock, she wasn't counting the minutes, counting the seconds, that he had been out for. All Lee knew was that she hadn't slept since she had woken up the morning she and Rachael had gone to the bar, and it was now light again. For the third time since she had last slept.

She had been able to waste a bit of time with her repeated calls to Rachael, trying to convince her sister that she was alright even though she wouldn't be coming back to the apartment that night, And telling her, repeatedly, that no, that does not mean she was back with Tarin, and no she could not come over too. At least the call to Rupert, to let him know that at least as far as she could tell the situation was taken care of, had been much easier to deal with.

Unfortunately, none of that had really taken all that much time. Neither had setting up a pile of blankets and pillows in the corner of the living room and moving Tarin over to that rather than the hard kitchen floor. The bed in her old room would have been more comfortable, but Lee decided it would be a much better idea to be able to keep an eye on Tarin.

One thing the spirit had said to her had been gnawing at Lee all night, though. The fact that, apparently, it had been so easy for him to get in and take over because of the condition Tarin was in because of her leaving. Lee tried to tell herself that it was nothing, a lie, that the spirit was just trying to distract her, hurt her, but no matter how many times she tried saying that, Lee didn't believe it. Her mind kept going back to months earlier, when Tarin had left her for her own good, and she had tracked him to his hotel room in Maine. Tarin had been in horrible shape that day, and, Lee's mind couldn't stop itself from pointing out, Tarin hadn't exactly taken care of his hair like he normally would have while she had been in Canada.

But she couldn't stay around to save him from mergings, at least not while also protecting him from her powers and almost killing him. Like she had almost done again, Lee thought.

"Damn it, Tarin!" Lee muttered angrily as she paced back to the couch and plopped down. Hopefully she'd be able to stay still there for at least a few minutes this time. "Hurry up and wake up so I know you're alright!"

Tarin didn't dream when he was exhausted because of Lee. In fact, the last time that Tarin had been in a situation like this, he'd woken up over 24 hours later having felt like he'd slept an hour. It had been 15 hours since Lee had slammed his body against the wall and almost literally sucked the life from him.

The first thing that Tarin felt was pain. Pain in his face, pain in his head, pain in his ribs. The pain was a good thing though, it meant that he was alive and more importantly it meant he was in control of his body.

Movement drew a groan from Tarin as he tried to roll to his side. He was laying somewhere soft, and for a minute he wondered if this all hadn't been a bad dream. Eyes cracking open, Tarin moved them independently at first, trying to figure out where he was. Still in the apartment. Well that was all well and good...he was also in blankets...also good. But where was Lee...he vaguely remembered her promising to stay after it was over. It was over...where was she.

Eye movement didn't seem to hurt too awfully bad, so Tarin chanced turning his head. A wave of dizziness swept over him and he moved a hand to his hair, then gingerly ran it over his face. His nose was swollen and his head pounded. His vision blurred, but then cleared and he saw her, sitting on the couch.

"You stayed...." he said, voice croaking slightly, but a grin spreading across his features.

Lee heard a grunt coming from the blankets and her eyes darted over of their own accord. The fact was, Tarin had been grunting and making noises like that off and on all night as he infrequently moved. It was good that he made the noises, a very good thing, but it didn't mean he was waking up.

At least that's what Lee thought until she heard his voice. It was very quiet, very soft, and rather horse sounding, but it was most certainly there, she was not imagining it.

Once again, Lee's eyes darted over to where Tarin was laying on the blankets, pillows under his head, to see his eyes at least partially open and a small, tired looking smile on his face.

The next moment, Lee was moving, kneeling next to Tarin, a worried expression on her face. "I told you I would, didn't I?" Lee asked, her hand reaching out then hovering over Tarin's face for a few moments before she hesitantly closed the remaining distance and brushed the hair out of his face. "Is he finally gone?"

She wasn't a dream apparently and Tarin watched as Lee made her way towards him. His vision was still blurry and sitting up seemed almost laughable though and he just followed her with his eyes as she came up beside him.

Tarin didn't care that her touch would take more energy from him, energy that he really didn't feel like he had at the moment. He watched her bend down to his level and her hand move out towards him and he willed her with every fiber of his being to touch him. Then she did. i

It was a simple movement and a brief touch, but Tarin leaned into her fingers as they brushed across his forehead, moving his hair out of his eyes. Tarin barely heard Lee's question, but when it registered he concentrated, concentrated hard, then nodded infinitesimally the magnitude of everything that had happened crashing down on him at once in that single moment.

"Yeah..." Tarin whispered, then sighed as guilt and grief and pain washed over him, bringing tears to his eyes as he raised his hands to cover his face. "I can't believe I was responsible for all of this..." he groaned into the little cave his hands made. "...and I'm so sorry I made you do that again Lee...so sorry..." He was awake now...how soon would she try to leave? Tarin reached out and wrapped his hand gently around her wrist.

"Don't go Lee...please just stay...you said you would earlier."

Tarin was exhausted. Even if she hadn't already known that based on what had happened, if she didn't know that because of the amount of energy she had taken from him, she'd have known based on how his eyes were looking at her, only half open, and then because of how his voice sounded. This was why she hated her powers so much, hated them more than she really ever had in her life, this was why she couldn't stay, why she had left. Tarin had been unconscious for most of the last 24 hours or more, and for the last however many hours straight, and it still looked like he was barely able to even keep his eyes open.

And she had done that to him.

At least if she was able to trust what he was saying, the spirit was gone. Not that she normally wouldn't have believed him, but the last time he had been awake, the spirit had said it was gone, too. Hopefully he was right, hopefully it was gone. Lee wasn't going to fully let her guard down until Tarin was more rested, till she could actually tell if he had more energy than he should, than was normal.

"I'm sorry I did this to you," Lee said, her voice quiet, almost cracking, as she averted her gaze, looking at the blankets beside Tarin. "I never wanted to do it again. I hate how it feels, hate worrying that I took too-"

Lee cut herself off as she felt Tarin's hand clasp around her wrist, much tighter than she would have expected. As soon as she felt that, her eyes darted down, looking at his hand there on her skin. Then her eyes closed as she fought against the tears she felt prickling there, just below the surface. "Please let go of me, Tarin," Lee whispered, her voice barely audible. "I'm not going anywhere, not yet, but let go please."

Tarin shook his head when Lee started to apologize. Didn't she get it? "Lee you saved me tonight..." he said a bit hoarsely, but his voice was stronger now...a little stronger. "Do you know what Rupert told me when I said I didn't want to involve you?" He looked at her intensely, eyes burning into hers.

"He told me that I had two choices Lee...either you fixed me or I left in a body bag. If it wasn't for you...and what you can do...there would have been nothing else for it. I was ready for it too Lee...when I woke up and found out what I'd done...." Tarin's voice cracked and he stopped.

He could see Lee looking at his hand, the pleading look in her eyes as she asked him to let go of her and Tarin shook his head, "No Lee...I'm not letting go of you. I let you go too easily before and it's not going to happen again."

He meant what he said, more seriously than anything else he'd said in his life, but he unfurled his fingers from around her wrist and pulled his hand back. "I need you Lee...and I know this isn't the time for this conversation, but I'm not going to let you go nearly this easy Lee."

By this point, Tarin's voice had risen even more, and with it he'd pushed up from the floor slightly, bringing himself more even with Lee's face. He let himself drop back down now and his voice softened, "And if you leave me again I'll follow you. I'll track Rupert down and strangle him until he gives me Rachael's number...and I'll find you...because I know you want me Lee...tell me you don't."

Hopefully she wouldn't...but Tarin didn't think about that until after he'd said it...man it would really suck if she said it...

Lee's eyes snapped to Tarin when she heard the options Rupert had given him. Not that it was very surprising, not coming from Rupert, but still; either she did this or Tarin was leaving the apartment in a body bag? Rupert would have followed through too, Lee was sure, and she found she couldn't swallow.

Lee had that same problem trying to swallow the large lump in her throat as Tarin continued, saying he wasn't going to let her go so easily again, that he needed her. At least he physically let go of her wrist, meaning Lee didn't have to forcefully pull it out of his grasp.

But she needed him to let her go easily again. She hadn't wanted to see him again, that's why she hadn't wanted to come back to New York. Lee had known that seeing Tarin again would be painful, difficult. She had had enough trouble, felt enough pain, when she had left the first time, how was she supposed to do it again, especially if Tarin was saying he wasn't going to let her go as easily? But she had to, she couldn't keep taking his energy like this, draining him so much that she was worried she had killed him.

The more Tarin spoke, though, the more he floored Lee, not only with his words, but also the fact that as he spoke, he managed to push himself up slightly. Floored her so much even that Lee slipped to the side, out of her kneeling position beside Tarin and her rear end hit the floor.

Finally, Tarin dropped back to the pillows, but that apparently wasn't the end of it. "You'd follow me?" Lee asked in a whisper, her eyebrows raised in slight shock. "You'd actually follow me when I didn't want you to?"

And then he wanted her to tell him that she didn't want him, because when she couldn't it'd tell him that she did. Suddenly, not only could Lee not seem to be able to swallow, but she couldn't breath for a moment. How could she tell him to stay away, to let her go, without lying about the fact that she wanted him, that she still loved him? "I can't," she finally whispered. "We can't be together any more." Well, she hadn't lied about wanting him.

Lee reacted...heck yeah she reacted. One second Lee was kneeling by him, looking down as he spoke, then she went down on her butt...hard. She was absorbing the things that he was saying, really listening to the words that were coming out of his mouth and Tarin took that as good sign.

He raised an eyebrow when Lee questioned the statement that he'd follow her if she tried to leave him again. "Lee...have I ever lied to you before? I mean every word. I just told you...not having you is like not having something vital to my survival. I mean...I can walk around and I can function and all the basics work...but there's no real living for me...not without you."

She was trying...Tarin could see the war Lee was fighting with herself, and when she finally managed to say something, Tarin didn't react how he was sure she expected him to...he smiled.

"I knew you couldn't say it Lee...and don't bother going back and trying to do it out of ire now. You're fighting a losing battle now...and it's only a matter of time."

Tarin was already getting tired again and he leaned even further back against the little nest Lee had made him. He felt better now, Lee wasn't stupid...anything but...she'd see the logic in what he said.

"We're meant to be...and you need to stop and think. Ten...twenty...thirty years down the line how much are you going to regret the time you spent resisting the inevitable."

He was babbling...it was true. Tarin didn't care though, somewhere deep down he knew that he couldn't make it through what was to come without Lee. The realization of what violence had occurred at his hands hadn't crashed down yet and when it did...it wasn't going to be pretty. This was the one part of his life that he felt like he could control though...and he simply had to try.

This was great, just great, Lee thought as she sat on the floor in the living room of Tarin's apartment. She was going to have him following her around for the rest of her life because the fact was Lee couldn't think of a single instance where Tarin had ever lied to her. The difficult task of actually some day managing to move on had just become impossible.

But then Tarin was smiling at the fact that she hadn't said she didn't want him any more. Lee glared at Tarin. She knew she had been fighting a battle over this, she had been since before she had even moved her stuff out of the apartment. Hopefully, at least in Lee's mind, it wasn't the losing battle Tarin thought it was.

"Meant to be?" Lee asked sceptically. This was too much, though. Climbing to her feet, Lee shook her head. "Nothing's 'meant to be', Tarin," she continued in a whisper as she started pacing slightly. "And I'd rather you still be alive in 30 years than have my powers kill you because we're together."

She was skeptical...and Tarin was starting to get tired...tired and frustrated. Lee wasn't listening to him, her stubborn nature overruling everything he said no matter how right he was.

Tarin sank back against the blankets and pillows and ran a hand through his hair, wincing at how sore his head was still as Lee stood and started to pace.

"Don't be such a cynic Lee...it doesn't suit you. You make your own future and I'm about sick and tired of this. It's all about choices." he was angry and sore and tired.

Now she was spilling some kind of excuse about how she'd rather he be alive in 30 years than dead from being around her.

"God damn it Lee..." Tarin hissed, looking at her and rolling his eyes, "Stop being so melodramatic and actually listen to something I say...please?"

He let that sink in for a second, "I've already explained to you the fact that I'd be dead right now if it wasn't for you. Or worse...I'd still be doing what I'd been doing before...and the worst part is that it hasn't sunk in yet...and another thing..."

Tarin knew he was about to hit below the belt, and he knew he might feel guilty about it later...but he couldn't help himself, "And what the hell is all of this decision making about my life without asking me what I think about it?"

Tarin glared now, his energy was starting to wane and he had to make his point, "When I did this and ran off to Maine you followed me and absolutely reamed me for taking away your chance to choose. You're doing the same thing to me Lee and it's not right. Don't leave me for me...and if I thought for a second now that that was what you were doing I'd let you go...but I'm not buying it."

Lee was still pacing, pretending not to hear Tarin's words even as she had no choice but to listen; she couldn't seem to block them out, couldn't not hear them, despite how much harder it made everything. So what if she was being stubborn, even a little childish? Who said she had to be the mature one all the time?

Or at least she was pacing and pretending not to listen until Tarin mentioned Maine. Once those words were out of his mouth, Lee stopped dead, her jaw clenched slightly. But this wasn't the same. Tarin had been around and conscious when she had left. He had had a chance to stop her from leaving. Yet, he didn't try. He hadn't followed her, hadn't come looking for her. Tarin was only fighting now, after she had come back for something else. It wasn't the same as Maine, right? Right.

But even as she was telling herself that, Lee couldn't help but fear Tarin was right. Was she doing exactly what she had gotten so upset with him over before? Taking a deep breath, Lee let it out slowly as she sat down on the edge of the coffee table. She didn't look at him, though, merely sat so she was more or less facing him.

"I don't know what else I can do but leave, Tarin," Lee admitted quietly. "After killing those people - And don't argue about that, Tarin," Lee continued, her eyes shooting to Tarin briefly as she said this part. "I know you've never wanted to do that, but I wanted those guards dead...

"After that and almost killing you...it took so long for you to wake up...I was so worried you wouldn't for a while...I haven't touched anyone since then, at least have tried not to touch anyone at all. I had to force myself to touch you, and I knew I had to..."

Lee shook her head, eyes on her clasped hands as she finished. Couldn't Tarin just let her go, not fight her about it?

He was making headway, but his energy was starting to wane again, he willed himself to gkeep going. Somehow he was going to have to put his life back together and Lee was integral to that. There was nothing else for it. She simply had to be there.

The guards...the guards, the guards, the guards. Tarin sighed and shook his head, "Fine. I won't argue with you about the guards Lee...but it was as much a war as any I've seen...and I killed that night too...completely independently of you, and completely on my own...I wasn't even merged. I did that and I did it completely on my own. Sometimes it's kill or be killed...and even though I'm not going to argue I will ask you to think about the situation we'd been forced into."

Lee explained about what it had been like for her since the merge and Tarin almost flinched. It was a horrible thing to remember and he still felt more guilty than he could almost admit. "Lee...you just don't get it...none of that was your fault. I made a decision...a stupid decision based on spur of the moment desperation. I wish I'd never involved you in that. I know better than anyone that results are...unpredictable when I merge Lee...and I knew for a fact that I was taking a risk. A pretty big one."

Tarin sighed again and shook his head slowly then spoke, "I'm serious Lee. You can walk out the door if you want to...but I'd always pegged you for more of a fighter than that. Isn't it worth it?"

Lee blinked as Tarin talked about that last night at the camp, the night of the breakout. She knew that he, well 'they' had killed guards, but Lee didn't remember ever hearing Tarin mention the fact that he had killed any others that night. It had to have been before he had found her, because Lee didn't remember seeing it, either. Though, they honestly hadn't really talked much after that. In fact, this was really the most they had talked since the merge had occurred.

Tarin went on to continue blaming himself for what had happened during the breakout at the camp. Lee did not believe him, didn't think that it was all his fault; at least some of it had to have been hers, too. If nothing else, she had agreed to the merge though she knew how bad it could be, knew what could happen.

Lee closed her eyes, her face still lowered toward her hands, when Tarin asked if it was worth it. Was it, she wondered? Hadn't she decided a long time ago that she would risk death, risk being killed if Tarin merged with a dangerous spirit and she didn't figure it out, because being with him was worth it?

Her brow furrowing, Lee squeezed her eyes shut even tighter. And wasn't everything that he was saying, all of his arguments to try and get her to stay, Tarin's way of telling her that he was just as alright with the risk that her powers could potentially kill him as she had been with the risk from his powers?

"You should get some more sleep, Tarin," Lee ended up saying softly, glancing over at Tarin through her eye lashes as she finally opened her eyes again. "You can't possibly have gotten enough rest."

Nope, that wasn't an answer, not even close to an answer to the question that Tarin had asked. Lee couldn't answer it yet, she had too much to think about first, too much guilt and worry and pain to wrestle with before she could even hope to be able to answer.

Tarin FTW...he had a feeling he'd won, it was just a matter of time before Lee realized it too. Her absolute refusal to accept the fact was indication enough for him that he'd done the right thing by forcing the issue.

Tarin hated doing that, dredging up the memories of the camps, he still couldn't imagine how bad it had been for Lee...but she had to face the facts at some point. The whole act where she blamed everything on herself was not healthy.

Lee spoke and Tarin's head jerked towards her, he really was exhausted. The problem was, if he went to sleep would he wake up with her gone?

The other problem was though...he was so tired. Exhaustion was starting to overwhelm again and he nodded his head as he laid back against the little nest Lee had made him.

Eyes closing slowly after a wide yawn, Tarin looked at Lee one more time before drifting off to sleep, "You'd better be there when I wake up...don't leave me like that."


....some time later....

He hadn't dreamed again while he slept. It was a slightly welcome change to the nightmares that sometimes tormented him...but did less and less when he was around Lee.

Tarin's eyes opened more easily this time, and he stretched before he looked around the room. Look around the room he did...twice, then he fell back against the blanket with a heavy sigh. Lee was gone. She hadn't stayed...

Tarin didn't know what to do...but for the time being he couldn't lay around anymore. Pushing up slowly from the floor, Tarin groaned and put a hand to his head. The walk to the couch seemed like it took forever, but he made it and sunk down into the cushions.

Where next? Tarin didn't know...

It had certainly been an interesting afternoon. Not that the last few days here in New York hadn't been interesting in one way or another, but the fact was it was nice to have gotten out of the apartment she had recently found herself trapped in, and to have been able to interact with someone who wasn't trying to push her back with Tarin. And being able to eat there rather than having to wait until she got back to the apartment had been nice; Lee had been starving, after all.

Still, she had ordered double the normal take out, figuring that Tarin had to be starving by the time he woke up too, and even if not, it would give her more to eat later that night.

It really didn't take long for her to reach the building, and Lee juggled the bags of Chinese as she made her way in the building, up the stairs, then fought to get her keys out. As if it wasn't hard enough trying to juggle everything when it was just their normal amount of takeout, Lee somehow managed to balance and juggle everything to get her keys out.

Once that was accomplished, it really didn't take much effort to get the door open and step through. Immediately, Lee's eyes went over to the pile of blankets and pillows where she had left Tarin, only to be shocked when she didn't see him. And immediately followed by fear and worry, because she didn't see him there.

And then her eyes moved slightly, and Lee saw Tarin sitting on the couch. Lee let out a sigh and moved forward, setting the bags of Chinese on the table. "You hungry?" Lee asked, standing there as she looked down at Tarin. Should he be up yet?