Rebecca was not dawdling, she just… wanted to be in the right place before she jumped into what she had to do. The Uber ride back to her apartment was silent, though not for lack of effort from her chatty driver. Once she had her space from Agnes, the spell she had been under since the night before slowly faded. Rebecca was still just as committed to her love for the woman, but without her nearby to give her strength, worry was returning to the once-confident redhead.

She had a daunting task ahead of her, and outside the comforting environment of their hotel room, reality was starting to sink in. Being so preoccupied with making her romantic getaway helped Rebecca ignore how tense things were with Nessa at the end of the night. Something was already on Nessa’s mind, and they had agreed there needed to be a conversation, even if neither of them explicitly said why.

Before anything else could happen, Rebecca needed to return to her apartment. She was still wearing her dress from the night before, which absolutely screamed “walk of shame,” and would be a weak start for their meeting. Getting back in a familiar space would help her plan out the best way to set up a meeting where she knew she would be ending a relationship.

Rebecca had two breakups under her belt, and they were both with Agnes. The first time they broke up, things were heated. The decision to walk away was made in the moment, almost without thought. The second breakup was the polar opposite, with both girls talking things out and coming to the (terrible) decision to walk away. Even after they chose to end things, they had to suffer through their last months when they were in love and trying to believe there was a world where they could live without one another.

And now Rebecca was going to hope third time was indeed the charm, as they committed to getting back together. The only problems with their perfect plan of reunion and romance were named Nessa and River. Rebecca did not envy Agnes’s position, having to explain that their engagement was over. The violinist’s path was harder, but that did not ease the nauseous feeling in Rebecca’s stomach. She was ending a relationship that was going fine. Nessa had done nothing wrong; her only flaw was that she was not Agnes.

Rebecca politely thanked her driver for the ride and moments later, she was walking through the door into her apartment. Gavin immediately nuzzled her ankles, content with living his life under his new owner’s feet. ”Ah’m sorry, Gavvy. Ah hope ye werenae too attatched tae Nessa,” she apologized, sighing as she walked to her room, narrowly avoiding stepping on her cat with each footfall.

Sorry for making you wait. Want to come by my apartment so we can talk?

Rebecca did not send the text right away. She typed out the message, slipped out of her dress, laid on her bed in her undies, filled Gavin’s food bowl, filled her own food bowl with pasta, watched an episode of Grey, and admit to herself she was delaying the inevitable. After all that, she finally hit send on the draft in her phone.

The response came through in seconds, suggesting Nessa had been waiting for her to reach out all day.

OMW.

Rebecca was left with a waiting game, trying to prepare herself by running through what she might say. She was midway through pulling a navy-blue top over her head when it hit her: what was she going to say? It was clear to her why she was choosing to end things, but there was no right way to admit it. How could she look a good girlfriend in the eye and admit she was leaving her because she wanted to be with her engaged ex-girlfriend? Just saying that implied they had planned the decision together, which made the break-up feel so… calculated.

This was the first time Rebecca felt like the “bad guy” in one of her break-ups. She had no moral high ground, and she was not going to claim any, regardless of what Nessa might say or do. It was hard to guess how her girlfriend would react to earning the “ex” title. Would she cry? Would she shout? Would she accuse her (accurately) of an affair?

That thought hit Rebecca hard as she reclined on her couch, petting the Bengal kitten curled up on her lap. She was undeniably carrying on an affair behind Nessa’s back. If she was accused, how was she supposed to respond? It was probably the right thing to admit to what happened, because Nessa deserved to know, but the thought of owning up to her choice unsettled her stomach. If they were already going to break up, would it be better for Nessa to remain unaware of what happened?

knock-knock-knock

How was Rebecca so suddenly unprepared for this?

The redhead walked to her door and checked the keyhole to ensure she was right about who had arrived. Opening the door, Nessa stood in front of her, her face wearing a neutral expression—impossible to read.

”Hey.”

”Hey.”

Nessa looked more put together than she was the night before, with Rebecca helping to get her into an Uber with Gina. The drunkenness had subsided, but the looming sense that something was wrong was still alive and well. Rebecca was hoping her girlfriend was just feeling off as a product of her heavy drinking through the night, but now she was stone cold sober and the air around them was still heavy with dread. ”Come in, please.”

It was hard to know the right way to act around a woman she was planning on ending a relationship with. Was it appropriate to hug Nessa, knowing what was coming next? Even a kiss on the cheek felt like it might be unfair, but neither would be an issue as Nessa seemed to sidestep around her hostess. ”Woods ye loch a drink?”

Nessa crossed the hardwood floor of the apartment toward the sitting area, where Gavin was curled up on the armrest of the loveseat. ”I’ll pass. After last night, I think I could use a few days without a drink.”

”Fair,” Rebecca replied, chuckling nervously. She contemplated grabbing a drink for herself, wondering if it would make it easier to move forward. It was harder now, being with Nessa and not having Agnes around to draw strength from. It was not that Rebecca was looking to change her own mind, but it was hard to look at the beautiful, good woman she was dating and find the place in her to do something completely selfish.

Joining Nessa in the living area, Rebecca took a spot next to her girlfriend on the loveseat. It was the spot she would normally sit, but this time, Nessa’s body seemed to flinch, like the redhead was bursting her personal space bubble. On any normal day, Becca could rest a hand on that denim-clad knee or rest her head on that video game t-shirt-clad shoulder, but that day was not normal. Not only did Rebecca feel like she did not deserve to touch Nessa, it felt like the gamer girl was not inclined to be touched.

It was just like the night before; like Nessa was aware that something was wrong. Rebecca wondered if, somehow, she tipped her hand. Either she gave up some unintentional hint, or Nessa had never let go of her suspicion since the video shoot. Until she figured out which was the case, it may have been the best choice to tread lightly. ”Nessa, Ah—“

”I know, Becca.”

Three words left Rebecca stunned, unsure of where to go next. They could have meant anything; Nessa could have just known why they needed to talk. It was not a stretch to think she felt things were different at the party the night before. Maybe she even knew that Rebecca and Agnes still had a connection they could not break. That old love had been the point of contention and doubt in their relationship for quite some time now. The night before certainly gave no reason to think that problem was not still on the table.

It was hard to decide how to best respond, because a vague statement about “knowing something” was the exact way most people were goaded into admitting things they were never accused of. Still hoping to process what was going on in Nessa’s head, Rebecca only repeated, ”Ye know?”

Nessa sighed, not looking at her for-the-moment-girlfriend, choosing instead to give parting affection to Gavin in the form of petting from his head down to his tail. ”Rebecca, if you have ever cared about me or respected me, don’t treat me like an idiot. Don’t lie.”

Those words sat in Rebecca’s chest like a stone. What had she become? Not just the girl who had an affair, but the girl who was considering lying about it. She had told herself she was looking to take the path that would protect Vanessa, but she was not being honest with her because she was not being honest with herself. Rebecca was the one scared and the one she was trying to protect, because she knew it was time to deal with the consequences of being a selfish person and a genuinely bad girlfriend.

She could feel the stinging in her eyes, but she was not going to cry, because it was not her right to do that. Nessa was the one being hurt here. ”Ah slept wi’ Agnes. Ah kissed Agnes last night. Ah still loove Agnes, an’ Ah’m sorry Ah did all thes tae ye.”

Nessa finally looked at Rebecca, seemingly for the first time since she walked into the apartment. ”Thank you for being honest. I mean, fuck you for cheating on me, but the honesty is a nice change of pace.”

Rebecca was unsure if she was expecting Nessa to yell, but the New York native’s tone was just snarky and unexpectedly level, and that was more unsettling. She could see the hurt in those dark brown eyes, but it came with no tears. If she was hoping to move forward based on Nessa’s reactions, she might find herself S.O.L. because the brunette was forcing her to move the conversation.

Honesty. It was all she had in her holster, so it was how she would have to head into this. ”There ur nae excuses. Ah went tae see Agnes that night—”

”The night of the video.”

”Yes, but—”

”The night we argued about your feelings for Agnes.” Her voice heighted by a decibel or two, but Nessa was still far from shouting. She did get to her feet, filled with too much energy to remain sitting.

Rebecca followed, but maintained a safe distance between herself and Nessa. ”Ah know, and—”

”And then the next day we said we were going to work on things—”

”Dornt ye hink Ah know hoo bad Ah fucked up here?” Somehow, despite being the one breaking up with Vanessa, it was still Rebecca that rose her voice first, flustered by her girlfriend’s evenly-paced relentlessness.

She would not be alone, as Nessa finally pushed past that sound barrier as well. ”I don’t think you do, Rebecca! You had the chance to just tell me that day that it was over! Why drag this out and keep me on the hook just for you to do this to me again last night?”

Rebecca started to speak, but nothing came out because she had no quick response. Why did she not make the right choice and end things with Nessa? That morning was leading down that path, but then River called, and Rebecca backtracked. It had nothing to do with Vanessa, and that was a problem she only realized when she had to admit it out loud. ”Ah… was scared wi’ River back, Agnes an’ Ah werenae gonnae wark it.”

There was a silence after her admission where the two women were just looking at each other, Rebecca’s eyes filled with remorse, and Nessa’s finally filled with genuine hurt. ”Wow, Becks… that’s… that’s fucked up.”

It was hard to hear such a succinct and strongly-worded reprimand for her behavior from the one person who had every right to grant it. Even knowing how she deserved it, Rebecca was still caught by the urge to soften the blow. ”Nessa, Ah really loched ye.”

Nessa chose not to snap back immediately this time. She needed time to gather a response the redhead was truly owed. If this was going to be her last trip to that cozy apartment-slash-recording space, she needed Rebecca to know exactly what she did to her lover scorned. ”Rebecca, I don’t want to hear how you liked me. You don’t comfort the girl who was your safe choice when your affair might not pan out.”

Rebecca’s lip was trembling. She wanted to be indignant, or claim that Nessa did not understand, but that was untrue. Nessa saw right through her somehow. ”…Yer right.”

”Damn right, I’m right.” Alright, that was Nessa snapping back. She took a deep breath, trying to regain her composure. ”What I mean… is sure, you and Agnes love each other. Great for you. But I’m a real person with real emotions, and so is River. Probably. I mean, she seems like a bitch, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t a person.” The harpist fiancée did not make the most sterling of impressions on Nessa the night before, but neither of them brought their emotional stability to the club, so it was hard to judge. ”We didn’t deserve to be casualties in you and Agnes’s journey to rediscovery.”

What once felt like a meeting for Rebecca to end a relationship now felt more like a moment for Nessa to be the one to cut the strings herself. Rebecca knew she had mistreated her girlfriend, but it broke her heart to realize how awful she had actually been, and the only thing she knew how to do was apologize for the selfish bitch she became. ”Ah’m sorry, Nessa. Ah… never meant tae dae this tae ye.”

Nessa shook her head, no longer able to look her now-ex-girlfriend in the eye. ”But you did. Sorries don’t change that.” There was a beat, before she said the last thing she knew had to be said. ”It’s over, Becca. You ended it, but I get to be the one to call it. I’m owed that much.”

Rebecca watched as a woman she wronged walked out of her apartment, leaving a chill in the air that would linger all night. She would be up late questioning how she handled everything and the things she had to change to return to the person she lost somewhere over the course of two years. The only thing she would not question was her decision to place all her bets on Agnes. Her night was more painful than expected, and she might reach out to the Mansion to cancel her Monday classes, but sometime that afternoon, she would call Agnes and they would move forward to a new chapter, past the mistakes they made along the way.