Calley moved away from Cafas, Cafas turned to face him as he moved back closer. He wished to stare into the other boy's eyes forever. He really didn't want to discuss the present topic, however that seemed to be a wish he wasn't about to be granted. It was unfortunate that it had to be under such circumstances that they ended up so intimately close. Cafas sighed yet again. The question wasn’t a difficult one, he knew the answer. He knew everything about that day. He'd run over the details endlessly.

'So why is it so hard to tell him?'

Cafas was starting to get over emotional; the entire night was turning into an emotional onslaught as the grey light of pre dawn coloured the room and Jove hung in the eastern sky. He'd watched Lucifer until it peaked after dusk that night. They were the two brightest bodies in the sky excepting the moon at their respective time of day. He'd looked them up on the internet; they were Jupiter and Venus respectively. He'd found Jupiter by accident on the 'Night sky this month' website so he knew what he was looking at. He was trying to distract himself from the eyes of the boy in front of him, asking questions he hated to answer. But he would have to

'Why on Earth does he have so much control over me already, I'd probably tell him anything if I'm telling him this.'

"I was angry at first... then it waned. After that, it was purely cowardice until they shot back, then I got angry again. Unreasonably angry." The overload was leaving Cafas with black eyes. Not physically bruised, just black irises. He looked back to the cat-boy and worried he was pushing him away. He didn't want to rush him, but he had just told him his worst deed as a person, the thing that weighed heaviest on his conscience, he had a right to ask, didn't he? "Calley, what'd you do? Whatever it is I'll help you through it."

'Was that an actual commitment to help someone emotionally? Who are you and what have you done with the idiot that normally controls the mouth?

The rain had stopped, and the sky had cleared out. Calley didn’t know when. Now the sun was coming up: now he’d been a killer for a whole day. How long had Cafas been one? Had he gone out with Meld before they ever knew each other, or after? Calley couldn’t imagine missing a change like that. People would look at him, now. People would know.

Except they wouldn’t. That made it worse.

>> "Calley, what'd you do? Whatever it is I'll help you through it."

There were two answers to that. The truth, or a lie. Calley choose neither.

He leaned forward, his hands on Cafas’ legs, and his lips against the other teen’s mouth.

Cafas could either press the question, or return the kiss.

The seconds following Cafas' question settled it. It could be a topic for another time. Another time when his dreams from the last month weren't all coming true at once, when Calley wasn't so fragile. He guessed it involved blood, but by that stage his brain wasn't getting enough of that.

'Yeah, later, I'll ask him later.'

Cafas returned what could only be described as his favourite kiss ever and slid his arms around Calley once more; Calley was warm, and needed to be pulled closer. Cafas did just that. Damn choices. He might have just left it, had he not been in need of reassurance that someone still cared about him too.

'Best moment of my life.'

Cafas drew him closer. It was warm, and secure. His arms were stronger than Calley’s, his hands broader. It was restraining. His lips returned the kiss, like he’d been waiting for this moment. He probably had been. This reaction was exactly what Calley had been hoping for. Just... not for the same reasons.

He gathered himself, and pushed Cafas down on the bed. Only then did he break off the kiss. Blue eyes looked down at the boy under him. Cafas’ own eyes were a jarring sight: three different colors stared up at him, from each iris.

We aren’t human.

Calley knew that, already. He closed his eyes, and tucked his head up under the teenagers’ chin.

“I don’t love you.” He said. “But can I stay?”

Cafas. Once more. Was completely broken by the cat boy. But he had to be honest with himself, it didn't matter to him at that point. He'd poured out his heart and soul, his most horrible secret he refrained from even telling himself most of the time, and he needed the... Companionship? No, he just needed to feel good at that point. While maybe his love wasn't being returned, he felt Calley and him largely shared an emotional position at the time and that was good enough for him. Hell, if it meant Calley felt better... Well... it was worth it.

'You, are about to do something you'll never forgive yourself for... I'm not going to forgive myself either way.'

Cafas looked at Calley, heartbreak once more in his eyes, but Calley needed him. That was how he felt about the situation anyway. Cafas tried not to think about the words he was about to utter. Word, to be precise. It was one of those times he just needed to man up and do the wrong thing. "No"...

No.

Cafas said no.

The cat boy’s ears twitched under Cafas chin. He let his head rest there, for just a little longer, before slowly sitting up. He didn’t look at Cafas; Cafas clearly didn’t want to look at him. He wanted Calley gone. The sun was coming up, peeling back the shadows from their room. Cafas’ room, that is: Calley’s was down the hall. He didn’t belong here. He just slept here, now and then.

“That’s not fair,” he told the window. “That’s not.”

He was shouting, then. He couldn’t seem to make himself stop. His hands were moving, curled, the cat claw tips extended as he raked at Cafas’ chest.

“You can’t just say no! You’re the one who wants this! What gives you the right to tell me you love me, then turn me away? Don’t you even love me enough to do this for me? I can’t just—I can’t leave! Do you understand? There’s no one in my room! There’s just me!”

He didn’t know when he’d stopped, either. His tail curled around his knees as he knelt on the bed, panting. His hands hung uselessly at his sides. “Don’t let me think right now. Please.”

Cafas. Was in pain. Quite a bit of it. But he lay there and took it like a good little boy. He likely deserved it. He watched Calley for a second, his eardrums aching a little bit. He was fairly sure most of Pluto had heard that. Questioning his feelings though, that hurt even more. It wasn’t enough to rip out his heart, but he had to trample it too? C.J. couldn’t take it, that, that was too much.

’Please make it stop...’

He tried to hold back the tears, but it didn’t work. He cried. Every time this boy walked back into his life he ended up crying. This time was worse though, because, for a second there, he’d held a spark of hope. Unfortunately, it had been the last second. ”I... Plea... Don... You can’t say that to me!” It was now his turn to yell He had earned it, sitting quietly through that. ”You want to know what’s not fair? Loving someone who doesn’t return the feeling! I love you too much to do this to you! Don’t you tell me what’s not fair! Because I understand perfectly. I live with what I’ve done, and I’ve never been able to tell anyone! No one has comforted me! I sit alone in this room, and I see every last one of them, I see their faces when I close my eyes, and the only thing that has ever made them go away was YOU!” Cafas’ eye would have glowed black, were it possible, he was beyond the point of no return and he knew it.

He reached up and grabbed the other boy by the shoulders and looked him in the eye with his own; filled with despair. ”I have no-one I can go to, no-one I can rely on to give a fuck in the middle of the night! That! THAT is not fair!”

His emotions then gave out on even trying; he went numb, his brain shutting down from exhaustion. It refused to feel another feeling until it was safe to do so. Cafas looked at Calley for a second longer, rolled over onto his side, hugged his own ragged and bleeding chest, and through the tears that continued to flow down his face managed to speak softly again. He was resigned, worn out. ”Just tell me what you need me to do, or get out, but you have to live with that decision, I wash my hands of it.”

Calley’s shoulders went rigid when Cafas grabbed him; his ears laid down flat; his eyes narrowed.

>> “I have no-one I can go to, no-one I can rely on to give a f*** in the middle of the night!”

“And I don’t, either.” He hissed. “Because you’re kicking me out.”

By now, everyone in their hall must be awake. That’s what they got for trying to sleep innocently: they got dragged into someone else’s fight. They got their precious sleep broken, and their precious eardrums offended.

A woman had died last night, and all they cared about was going back to bed. How selfish could they be.

Cafas lay back down. So did Calley, his back pressed against the teen’s. Cotton T-shirt to bare skin. Cafas faced the window: he faced the wall, even if he didn’t want to. It had been repainted since the last time he’d been in here; blue. For some reason, he hated that shade of blue right now. He didn’t know why.

“I didn’t ask for you to love me.”

His tail twitched, soft kitten fur brushing against the back of Cafas' legs.

"It's a bad idea," he added, truthfully.

Cafas felt Calley’s back against his. Apparently their little tiff wasn’t enough to actually send Caleb from the room. Caleb, it was so much less... nicknamey. He sighed and got a mouthful of tears for his troubles. Why did it always have to be like this? Why could nobody just... be rational. Rationality wasn’t a feature of any race, as far as he could see though, so he didn’t feel betrayed by his own.

’What am I going to do about this?’

He didn’t think it was a good idea? Easy for him to say, he wasn’t in love with anyone. Or maybe he was. But that was absurd, why wouldn’t he go to them? Possibly why he’d never go to Calley. Aside from not knowing where the hell he was 90% of the time. The feeling wasn’t mutual. C.J. Sighed again. ”I didn’t choose this Calley. It just is. Good idea or bad I’m stuck with it.” He reached behind himself and grabbed the first Calley hand he met with his own. It likely wasn’t wise, but it was instinctual.

’Say it, do it, or I quit.’

Cafas squeezed his eyes tight shut and ignored the people he saw, he focused on Calley and squeezed his hand a little. ”I’ll always care” Cafas rolled over and broke the contact, he didn’t want do anything Calley would likely run from. He hated having to let go of the hand to do it, but he took it back up again. He pressed his forehead into the top of his friend’s back. He didn’t want to leave him, but he didn’t want to hurt him, or do something that Calley would hold against him. Too late. He scotched ever so slightly closer and hugged Calley again. ”Whatever you need, I’m here. I know you don’t feel the same way about me, I have since you left, but I love you, and I’ll do anything for you. I just. I didn’t want to make you do something you’d regret."

’He’s going to hate you for being nice, you just watch.’

>> “I didn’t choose this Calley. It just is. Good idea or bad I’m stuck with it.”

“Yeah. Well. Couldn’t you have kept it to yourself?” The cat boy asked, tail twitching in agreement. “The ‘I love you’ thing doesn’t work so well before the first date, I hear.”

Aaaaand Cafas’ hand was on his. Around his. Gripping his. Calley’s own hand stayed as it was; loose, and unresponsive. So now Cafas wanted to touch again. Well good for him: he’d already tried to kick Calley out. The cat boy had no incentive to respond. He’d just... wanted to not think, for awhile. Cafas’d had his chance at getting more than that. Staring at a wall, with his back to the teen, worked too.

>> “I’ll always care.”

Sure he would. When it was convenient.

The bed springs creaked; then Cafas was next to him again. Calley felt humid breath through his shirt, and thick arms pushing themselves around him. Again with the professions Cafas had no intention of keeping. The multi-shifter stayed staring at the wall.

“I’m tired,” he said. “I need you to sleep in the other bed.”

The cat boy was claiming this one.

Cafas accepted his banishment with little protest, he supposed he’d earned it. Actually, he knew he’d earned it, but he’d had the best interests of Calley in mind. And himself. Was it really so selfish to refuse to do something like that with someone who had just blatantly stated that he didn’t feel the same way about him as he did of them. No, not really. He let go regardless. If Calley needed it would be done, and done well.

’I wish I understood men better.’

C.J. got up and climbed into the bed normally inhabited by the catboy on his visits, as infrequent as they were, he’d still dubbed it Calley’s bed. Pulling the covers over himself he watched the last dregs of clouds disappear over the mansion. He tried not to cry, after all, it was a step up from not there at all. From his bed Cafas whispered to the boy behind him. ”Well, I’m here if you need me. I’m sorry Calley, I really am. I never meant to upset you.” Cafas closed his eyes, but didn’t sleep, it was morning anyway.

’I’m sorry Calley.’

((ooc: Continued for Calley in Burned Into Her Mind.

Continued for Cafas in Illusions of Sanity.))