"-so then I was talking with Cleopatra, who looks nothing like the media makes her out to look by the way, and-"

.... This guy was either completely off his rocker, or entirely too fascinating! Cleopatra? Alexander the great? Napoleon? He had so car claimed to have met at least six different historical figures and had come up with elaborate stories for each of them. Juniper was on the edge of her seat as he explained how he wooed the queen and then had to run for his life from her guards. 

... she didn't believe a word of it necessarily, but it was interesting.

"And then you jumped in and had to swim away from all of those crocodiles?" She urged him to continue, which he excitedly did. 

"Yes! Twelve of them, actually. Big ole boys too. I kicked it into high gear though and got across in no time. Out swam the thirteen of them."

"Uh-huh." 

"Then, I skipped ahead to to the 1700's, in India. Right around the time the East India Company was-"

Some of the stories he had told her went more than a little over her head. She wasn't a history buff by a long shot. 

"So how'd you get all over the place in time, anyway?" She full on interrupted him, but he seemed to take it in stride. In fact, he seemed to take it as an invitation.

He was taller than her, most people were, and he leaned over toward her ear as if to whisper a secret. His breath smelled like fruit punch. What a light weight! Her cup was full of straight up rum.

"I could show you if you want. What do you say, Vienna around the time the Beethoven was writing his music? Paris when the Eiffel tower just went up?" 

He produced from within the tacky velvet coat he was wearing, honest to goodness, a Garfield themed Pez candy dispenser. "If you hold my hand and take one of these, we can go together. Is it a date?" 

....was this man offering her drugs right now?!

It was an okay party, Zek reckoned. There had already been two fistfights and he’d only had to mastermind one of them. The music was fine, the crowd okay, the vibe adequate. The carpet was kinda messy and honestly many of the paintings on the walls were an eye sore, not to mention how the throw pillows utterly clashed with the seat cushions and the one shirtless guy who was passed out on the floor.

Zek would rate it a solid cube out of a decagon.

Zek had only been there for maybe twenty minutes. Long enough for his cup of ice to have mostly melted because he’d forgotten he was holding it and he didn’t really want ice. It was just a thing to do, you know? Something to do with your hands that didn’t involve weird occult sign language.

He smiled and frowned at various people he recognized - as a bouncer at a nightclub he came into contact with a lot of people into late night party scenes. As at party scenes went, a cube just wasn’t good enough for him tonight. He wasn’t to settle for anything less than a septagon.

And just as he was turning around to leave, his foot caught on the shoulder of Passed Out Shirtless Guy and Zek tripped and went flailing. His cup of ice water leaped from his hands and doused a guy with a Garfield-themed pez dispenser and a second or two later, Zek crashed into the guy and they became a twisty pile of persons without anything in their hands.

Then he noticed something: “Oh hey, Juni. Fancy meeting you here!”

A surprise attack from a slew of half-melted ice cubes saved the day! Juniper took a half step back as the cup they had previously belonged in joined the fray, and then a cartwheel of arms, a body, and suddenly not-so-suave time-traveling man ended in a heap with...

"Oh, Hiya Zek. How are you?" This was totally normal compared to the hijinks they had last gotten up to. She reached out and snagged the fat cat candy container as it attempted to go sailing away.

"You're not supposed to drop your drugs, my dude. Isn't that like a party foul or something?" Huh. They looked pretty normal. Like regular old candy.

"Hey!" Velvet Jacket struggled to try and disentangle himself from Zek to no avail. "Don't mess with those! Only I can control them?"

She tilted her head skeptically, tipped her cup back for a long sip of courage juice she didn't need, and tucked the candy away inside of her shirt and bra. It was hers now. Finders keepers! "I do what I want!"

Then, because the best crimes were often done with an accomplice, she reached down and grabbed at Zek's arm and helpfully phased him out of the nice little human knot he had ended up in.

"See ya!" And then she started running, but only after chucking her cup into the herd of other fairly drunk people in order to get another rowdy fistfight going.

Ending up outside in the back, with a stolen lamp shaped like a leg of all things, she paused and fished the Pez holder out again.

Zek shrugged, which was a feat because he was so entangled with the guy. It ended up looking like a pretzel having a seizure. “Oh you know, just meeting new people.” He glanced down at the guy. “Hello, New People.”

Then drugs were mentioned and Zek’s head twisted around. Someone might’ve spewed their drink and swore at the sight, but Zek was used to people being overwhelmed by his sheer physical beauty that it didn’t even register to him. And Juniper undid the human knot in her special way before leaving.

He glanced at New Guy, now that Zek was upright and fancy-free. “Dude, unless you’re a mutant, you don’t control drugs.” He leaned in close and whispered, “The Martians do!”

And then he was up and bowing even as some other newly-drenched fools began to engage in fisticuffs. “It’s been fun, y’all, but I gotta bounce!” Because Juniper with stolen drugs seemed much more promising for a fun night than a third half-hearted fistfight.

Zek sprinted after Juniper, not bothering to dodge anyone or anything. He just vanished the few idiots who got in his way, as well as the front door to the place. He knew Juniper could move fast, even without her handy-dandy ability to walk through obstacles so why bother wasting time turning a doorknob? Also, now he had two doors.

And there she was.

Strolling up to her in simply the most casual manner, he said, “So, you into swiping a lot of Pez-contianer drugs? Or is this just...a phase?”

Zek joined her and she offered him a cheery grin. "Hah! Phase. Good one!" She waggled the candy container at him a bit before going back to inspecting it.

"Dude in there was seriously trying to convince me that if he ate one of these he could like, time travel and junk. Said he'd met Cleopatra, gone to old-timey India, and that he'd met Napoleon and he isn't actually as short as people think he is? I figured that on the off chance he was telling the truth it might be fun to mess around with, and if he wasn't I probably just got him started on the long clean road to sobriety."

They really just looked like candy! No way could it be real!

"He did boast a bunch about out swimming crocodiles, so... not super reliable. Did you see his arms? Like wet noodles!"

Juniper popped one of the little pink candies into her palm and rolled it around with her thumb. "He said, and I quote:"

She invaded Zek's personal space a little bit to ad lib around about what Mr. Smooth crushed Velvet had whispered in her ear, mimicking the cheesy, smooth amorous way his voice had dipped and a terrible attempt at a French accent.

"Mon cher, I could show you the stars before electricity was invented. I could show you Giza as the pyramids were being built~" She moved away slightly, still laying it on thick as she held the little candy up in the air.

"Vienna! Paris! All you must do is take my hand and eat this candy, and then kiss me deeply under the moonlight or... some-such other nonsense." The little rectangular candy glowed softly pink in the light from outside.

"I'm seriously tempted, but I also don't wanna wake up three days from now a state away and in a dumpster behind a pancake house."

Choices, choices.

“No kidding,” Zek agreed. “Somehow his arms were both bony and squishy.” Zek would know. He’d recently been quite touchy feely with the guy. And it wasn’t even a Tuesday!

And Juniper's tale was intriguing, to say the least. “Cleo, huh? Sweet girl. Never did care about her policies on salad, though.”

And then there was hot moist breath in his ear. Zek clutched imaginary pearls. “Oh my stars and garters!” he proclaimed in a lovely falsetto and a Southern belle’s voice. “Why, Mister, you are so forward! Ah am absolutely overcome with the vapors! Ah do declaruh, Ah believe Ah am goin’ ta swoon!”

He fluttered his eyelashes and then glanced up at the sky. There was a big moon out. Zek stuck his tongue out at the flying naked mutant and averted his eyes. The actual moon was also out. He contemplated Juniper’s hesitations for half a second and then shrugged. Eh, either way it sounded fun.

“Well, if that’s the way it works…”

He whisked the candy out of Juniper’s hand and popped it into his mouth. “Hmm, tastes like bubblegum!”

And then he pulled her close to him, closed his eyes, and kissed her deeply in the moonlight.

"Oh, you would have reacted much better to his theatrics than I did. We should have switched places!" A butt-shaped shadow temporarily blocked out the light of the moon. She ignored the As-clipse in favor of cackling at Zek and his antics.

"Bubble gumMM?" A kiss! How quaint! It was almost enough to distract from the immediate sensation of being plucked from their own time and slingshotted somewhere else.

1503, England

With a sudden Pop! they were suddenly somewhere entirely different without a large bare arse loitering overhead. Juniper found that she was holding a wooden pitchfork and holding onto a rope with a rather fat pig tied on the end. They were in a city, a ye Olde one by the looks of it, and a handful of people were mulling about in what looked to be a market.

"...uh...."

Her eyes snapped over to where Zek was.

"The time-traveling spit-swap worked!?" Also, "Why do I have a pig!?"

A man in red and green garments with a very tall feathered hat and very long pointy shoes was strolling buy, swinging a bell and shouting at the top of his lungs.

"Here Ye! Here Ye! The New King Henry the third to be wed to Catherine of Aragon, six o'clock sharp on the sundial! Do not be late or you will be beheaded! Here ye! Here ye-!"


".... The who and the what now?"

She popped. Well that was new. He popped too. Well now he was embarrassed. Normally he didn’t have such a hair triggerohwaitthatwassomethingelse.

Zek opened an eye. Yep, still there. He opened his other eye. He broke the liplock and looked at Juniper. He started giggling. Then he felt a breeze where he normally didn’t.

“I do not know why you have a pig. Do you know why I’m wearing a ruffly, fancy shirt and...yoga pants?” He wasn’t a clothing expert by any means. “Also, I think this is a bag of cheese.” He opened it and took a whiff. PHEW!

“Oh yes. This cheese. And somebody cut it.” It smelled even worse than the city around them.

And then another in even fancier yoga pants and clothing walked by.

“Some kind and,,,oh! I know that name!” Zek snapped his fingers and whirled back to Juniper, nearly knocking over a passing peasant with his sack of cheese. “Aragon….that’s the one with the hobbits, right? Ooo, think we might meet the wizard Rudolph there?!”

He was smiling quite gleefully and reached out to accost the nearest unwashed peasant. “Excuse me, Miss Hag? Could you tell me the way to the castle? There is a castle right? Like, that where kings live and stuff, right?”

The old lady smiled widely and showed off all three brownish teeth. “Of cou’se we haff a cassle. Jus’ down the road, take a leff, then a righ’, go over the bridd, duck behind William’s fahm, take anothuh leff, an’ anothuh leff, spin ‘round thee times, and you’ll be theh!”

Zek smiled again, “Kay, thanks!” and hurried over to Juniper. “I did not understand a word of that. So maybe just follow the crowds?”

"Dunno, but at least Yoga pants are apparently still super fashionable and you look great in them? Legs for miles!" Ruffles, though, not so much. "Is it good cheese at least?" Apparently, it was not.

"Oooh! I watched the first 20 minutes of that movie! I want a wizard hat!" It was, like, blue with gold stars on it, right??

Then again, the guy with the bell had a much fancier looking hat than her imaginary wizard one. Zek went about getting whatever the GPS equivalent of Medieval Mapquest was (ChartAdventure? TapestryVoyage?) she skittered off after the bell carrier.

She came back with a pitchfork, a pig, AND a fancy feathered hat that made her look at least a foot taller. (it didn't)

"Follow the crowds it is! Wanna ride on my pig?" It was pretty big.

They hurried off to follow along with the rest of the smelly, dung covered townsfolk, and after quite a bit of walking and being stared at (Zek even got many blushes and eyelash flutters from slightly less dirt-covered maids for all of his glorious silky ruffles), a castle finally came into view.

It was HUGE! Not as tall as many of the buildings in New York, but like, wide. Girthy.

Why were oddly shaped codpieces a thing? They were hypnotizing to look at!

Many of the peasants were carrying meager offerings, too. Animals, food, firstborns, mothers-in-law, coins, and jewelry. Maybe that was what her pig was for?

... but she liked her pig!

"....Wanna sneak into the castle and find fancier clothes to wear?" She leaned in and whispered conspiratorially to Zek, and then pointed off to the side where the castle gates were.

“Already on it,” Zek said to Juniper from atop her pig. It was indeed a big pig. It was certainly some pig. He’d taken the liberties of vanishing his cheese bag and now had his hands free to balance himself on the pig as he rode imperiously after Juniper, ensuring to always keep his nose up and eyes half-lidded and looking down his nose. Because the place really stank.

Some people noticed the vanishing. Zek didn’t bother to notice them in return. He was too busy maintaining his balance.

And there was a parade or something of people bringing gifts. “Hmm, I guess I could bring...air from my lungs…” he said to nobody in particular. That had to be worth gold at least in this polluted air! He could see it now, people lining up for miles for air of the future!

And then Juniper had a great idea! “That’s a great idea!” he informed her.

He glanced around in a very suspicious manner and then slipped off the pig.

“Oh gross,” he whined as his shoes suddenly squished into something. “Ewwww, they definitely better have some shoes in my size.”

And he glanced around again and when it seemed like nobody was watching, he tossed a glowing red ball at the feet of the people ahead of them in the parade and watched it roll several meters further. And then it blazed a violent red and a semi-drunk 21st century dudebro was standing there with a cheap beverage in hand.

“Wiiiiiiiiiiiitch!” Zek cried, pointing at the guy. And then the crowd started screaming and shouting and chaos descended.

“This is a good time to go!” he yelled in Juniper’s ear as he pointed in the direction of the side gate. It’s guards were abandoning it to deal with the witch who had so dumbly appeared in the middle of a mob wearing such unnatural and obviously demonic black-magic clothes.

"I don't bring things to parties. It just makes people expect even more gifts the next time."

Zek hurled a poke-grenade, Juniper braced herself and her pig for a run. Their sacrifice, who she was going to dub kyle, was a wonderfully bewildered sheep on the altar as he also screamed at the hoard of filthy peasants and what appeared to be larpers with super realistic weapons advancing on him. "Wooooooah, my guys, like... where am iiIIAHHHHHH!?" He immediately took off before the squadron of armored men could tackle him.

"Th' Witch's escapin' Get 'im! Burn th' witch!'

Juniper wasted no time in grabbing Zek and her pig and scurrying the three of them through a stone wall and inside.

"Huh... Wonder if there are going to be any like, history revisions about the burning of the first kyle or whatever."

It didn't take much effort to get them out of the curtain wall surrounding the huge castle, and into the courtyard inside. From there it took some creative scooby doo sneakery and her comically carrying her huge pig with them, in order to slip inside a castle. And what luck! The very first room they ended up in was some kind of dressing room, probably for a higher status court member. How convenient! Almost like it was planned!

"They were really into reds and purples, huh?" Not that she minded! Red was her favorite color and pretty much anything was better than the burlap potato sack shirt and pants.

"Sit, Porky." She dropped her pig and beelined for the first thing that looked like a closet. Only, it wasn't built into a wall. A wardrobe? She wasn't well versed in fancy rich people's furniture.

"Holy-" It was jam-packed full of lace and velvet of all kinds. Not a dress in sight, either! "What do you wanna wear Zek? Are you feeling... duke? Earl? 2nd in line to the king?"

She popped back out with a frilly white neck thing and immediately squeezed it over the pig's head.