Sveta was getting the hang of running Haven, but that didn't mean she was enjoying it. She had a good team, and was gathering lots of experience, some useful and some just plain suck. Being a vigilante used to be so much simpler before money and lawyers got involved... now, her life was all meetings and briefings and projects and budgets. And yes, she was somehow mending fences with SUPER, and thank god Sam had gone back to being an adult, but all in all, this was the least fun Sevtlana had had in years.
Important? Yes. Useful? Definitely. Heroic? Sometimes.
Fun?
Nah.

Sveta was crossing the foyer of the Haven building, heading from one meeting to the next; she was about to stop at the front desk to see if she had any mail, when the argument reached her ears. Looking up from her phone, she quirked an eyebrow: the front desk lady was definitely having some kind of an argument with a young man who was... um.
Was that a call number stuck to his shirt?...

"... I am telling you, we are not having any kind of auditions today!"

What. The hell.
Weird.
But also... not boring.

Sveta stepped up to the front desk, folding her arms.

"Does someone want to explain to me what the hell is going on here?"

It was indeed a call call number, although Zek had to admit that his customary trench coat was partially obscuring it. The trench coat was not, however, obscuring the look of extreme annoyance of his baby face.

“Yes you are!” Zek clapped his hands in the woman’s face with every word. “That’s why I’m here. I’m auditioning. Therefore, you are having auditions! Right now! You can’t have auditions without an auditioner!”

Zek had been arguing vehemently for about the last three minutes. He’d come in the front door, smoothly marched over to the the receptionist’s desk and most politely asked her where the auditions were being held. Unfortunately, hiring standards seemed to be pretty lax nowadays because she’d been baffled and befuddled and pretty much incompentent. She just kept repeating herself over and over that they didn’t have auditions here. What poppycock!

Zek turned to the newcomer and immediately brightened up. Now this lady looked like she knew where the auditions were being held!

“Hi there,” he said welcomingly, relieved at having competent conversation. “I’m here to audition.” He sidled closer to the woman and cupped a hand around his mouth. “Also, your receptionist isn’t very good. She was of no help whatsoever and her blouse is totally clashing with your skirt. Not good for your image.”

Zek was good at many things. Whispering was not one of them, so it was very likely the desk lady could hear every single thing he said.

Haven was a high profile entity that dealt with mutant rights - which meant that all kinds of people tended to walk through the doors, from mutants in dire need of help all the way to anti-mutant nutjobs trying to make some noise. Security was prepared for everything. So was the receptionist. But the audition guy still threw her for a loop.

>>“Hi there. I’m here to audition.”

Sveta gave the young man a look. He did not look like he was raving mad, but it was hard to tell if he was serious about what he was saying. Or stage whispering.

>>“Also, your receptionist isn’t very good. She was of no help whatsoever and her blouse is totally clashing with your skirt. Not good for your image.”

"Oh no, Lucy is actually very good at her job" Sveta deadpanned "But dealing with obnoxious visitors is not in her job description. That's security's department." she nodded towards the security agent standing by just outside the general circle of madness, clearly ready to kick the guest out "But, just out of curiosity: What is it exactly that you think you are auditioning for here?"

Zek took a good long look first at Smart Woman and then at...Lucy. He glanced back. “Riiiight,” he drawled, mentally reclassifying Smart Woman as just Woman. Yeah, no, the receptionist was still terrible. So he decreed.

He totally ignored the nearby guard and directed his focus to Woman. Yeah, he was definitely spot-on with his reclassification. “Uh, what else would I be auditioning for?” he said with a hand flourish and a look of I-can’t-believe-you-just-said-that. What were they all smoking? And could he have some for later? He leaned in closer and spoke very slowly. “I’m here...to audition...for….the team. Obviously!” He literally couldn’t be any plainer than that.

“Like, do you people not know how auditions work? I could give you some tips, free of charge.” He stuck a hand in his trench coat and a brief golden light later (something that was fully obscured) he whipped out a folder and rifled through it. “Ah, here you go. I suggest you take a look at that.” He passed Woman a piece of paper titled “Michelangelo’s Guide To Proper Auditioning” with a whole series of bullet points, footnotes, and citations from peer reviewed sources. Some of those sources were even real!

Lucy looked relieved that Sveta was handling the situation. A few more minutes, and either the security guard would have had to step in, or the receptionist would have very politely inserted a stiletto heel into some anatomical part of this guy. And he did not even seem aware of closely he had dodged that bullet.

>>“Uh, what else would I be auditioning for? I’m here...to audition...for….the team. Obviously!”

"Obviously." Sveta quirked an eyebrow at him. He was fast sliding into "basket case" territory. But there was still a slight chance that this would all be a miscommunication...

>>“Like, do you people not know how auditions work? I could give you some tips, free of charge... Ah, here you go. I suggest you take a look at that.”

Okay so the hat trick proved that he was at least definitely a mutant. No one else would have fit a folder that big into a pocket. Sveta politely took the offered guide, read the title, then neatly dropped the whole thing in the nearby waste basket, reserved for hate mail and flyers.

"Okay, sure. I am afraid someone gave you the wrong information. Haven is not running any kind of a team. You must be thinking of the X-men. Nice try, but we are not associated with them. Find the secret lair somewhere else."

Zek was calmly checking the results of his most recent manicure as Woman read his manifesto. Her speed reading abilities were very impressive, as was her recall. She’d glanced at the paper for about a second and already had the whole thing memorized, allowing her to recycle the original. So maybe she needed to be Smartish Woman.

He blinked. Then he got it. “Riiiiight,” he winked conspiratorially, the kind of wink that used half your facial muscles and involved opening your mouth and everything. “You’re totally not running a team. Uh uh, yeah.” He cupped his hands around his mouth and loudly stage-whispered again. “I see what you’re doing but don’t worry. I can keep a secret! Just let me know where the real auditions are being kept!”

Also, still in a stage whisper: “The X-Men have a secret lair? Nobody told me. Do you know where it is and how I can get there? I’ll bet they have incredible snacks!” Last time he was at the X-Mansion, he was offered steaks. Their secret l air probably had caviar and gold-leaf-covered cake at the very least.

“By the way, I did bring references.”

if she was hoping that her words would clear up a miscommunication and get rid of the guy, she was sorely mistaken. Nothing seemed to get through to the guy in the coat who was hell bent on auditioning for... something.

>>“Riiiiight. You’re totally not running a team. Uh uh, yeah... I see what you’re doing but don’t worry. I can keep a secret! Just let me know where the real auditions are being kept!”

"You are clearly very bad at keeping any kind of a secret" Svetlana observed, folding her arms. Geez, some people. Even if she had a secret team, which she didn't (although maybe she should), he was not going to pass any tests.

>>“The X-Men have a secret lair? Nobody told me. Do you know where it is and how I can get there? I’ll bet they have incredible snacks!”

For a moment, Sveta was tempted to direct the guy to the Mansion, just to get rid of him, and make Sam deal with all of this. Two birds with one stone. But in the end, the X-men's thinly veiled secret was not hers to give out to lunatics.

>>“By the way, I did bring references.”

"You don't say" Sveta rolled her eyes "Let me guess, they are from Abraham Lincoln and Mother Theresa. And... what is it that you do, exactly, anyway? Because even if we had a team, which we don't, the best you could hope for is mascot, and even there the competition would be pretty steep."

“I’m amazing at keeping secrets,” he countered with a flick of his wrist and an eye roll. “Like, I’ve still never told anyone about Bobby Rake’s illicit love affair with Gemima Grunderson and how it ended up ruining Putnam County’s 25th annual spelling bee.” Yep. His lips were locked tight.

He started flipping through his folder and pulled out another sheet of paper. “Don’t be ridiculous,” he scoffed. “I would never ask Abe and Te-Te for references. They know what they did. No, these are from past employers and character witnesses.” Cartoon animators were character witnesses, right? He had to be honest, he hadn’t really done thorough research in preparation for the audition.

His eyes lit up. “Ah, so the mascot position is open then? Great! We’ll aim for that but if I’m too overqualified, I don’t mind accepting a lead role - I have exceptional leadership skills. And I love a challenge! And I’m good at all sorts of things. Watch!” He stuck his bright blue tongue out playfully and then whirled around. “All right! Let’s get this audition started!”

Zek reached into his trench coat again and this time manifested a big, 80s style boombox which he promptly set on the receptionist’s desk. He pressed the play button and beautiful melodies began to play. And Zek began to dance.

>>“I’m amazing at keeping secrets. Like, I’ve still never told anyone about Bobby Rake’s illicit love affair with Gemima Grunderson and how it ended up ruining Putnam County’s 25th annual spelling bee.”

Lucy was making increasingly distressed faces behind the guy's back, quietly gesturing in the security guard's direction. Sveta did not respond to her signs. Damned if she was going to just have the guy thrown out now; she needed to figure out whether he was genuinely batsh*** crazy, or if he was up to something security was not qualified to handle.

>>“Don’t be ridiculous. I would never ask Abe and Te-Te for references. They know what they did. No, these are from past employers and character witnesses.”

Despite her better judgment, Sveta had to bite back a smirk. The guy was quick, if nothing else. Definitely crazy. But at least not boring.

>>“Ah, so the mascot position is open then? Great! We’ll aim for that but if I’m too overqualified, I don’t mind accepting a lead role - I have exceptional leadership skills. And I love a challenge! And I’m good at all sorts of things. Watch! All right! Let’s get this audition started!”

Aaaand the sane train had left the rails with a screeching sound.

Lucy froze, with her mouth half open, and stared in sheer distress. The security guard was clearly amused, but tried to keep a straight face like he was some damn Roman soldier. Sveta... Sveta was at a loss of words for a moment. Finally, for lack of a better option, she reached over and turned off the boom box.

"Well, god job. I... honestly, genuinely can't tell if you need serious psychiatric help, or if you are trying to f*** with me." she admitted, opening her hands with a shrug "Care to elaborate?"

Spin, electric slide, jazz hands, hip swings, pirouette with a Venetian twist, eight counts of voguing while river-dancing, turn and--

The music cut out and Zek froze mid-split.

Smartish Woman, aka Funkiller, was by the boom box. Still on the floor, Zek twisted his head until he could glare at her with his most uppity glare. “Uh, excuse me. First of all, I was still dancing. And second,” he gave the woman a long and slow once-over. “Don’t get me wrong, I guess you’re attractive, like, in an objective, classical sense, but it’s super unprofessional to engage in intimate physical relations with the person running the audition.”

A thought occurred to him. “Wait, you didn’t actually read the guide to auditioning, did you? Oh sister, you have so much to learn.” Zek pushed himself up from his somewhat prone position and flicked his hand at her. “But it’s okay. I’ll just finish my audition, and then when you choose me, I can help you audition other people. I can tell there’s a serious need for someone with my knowledge and expertise around here.” He shot a pointed look at the receptionist. “That’s right, Lizzy, I’m talking about you. Your outfit is a disgrace.”

Zek shuddered and turned back to Funkiller. “You all might want to step back for this one, Mister Ed gets a little antsy if people get too close to him.” And then Zek pulled a riding crop out from his coat and gave a little spin, just enough to whip out a red ball that flashed into a large horse, caught mid-chew, the hay still sticking out of his mouth. “Now to show you my equestrian skills!” he proclaimed as he launched himself at the horse’s back.

The head swivel almost made Sveta jump. Yikes. That explained a lot. The guy definitely did not have his head on straight, all the goddamn puns intended.

>> “Uh, excuse me. First of all, I was still dancing. And second, Don’t get me wrong, I guess you’re attractive, like, in an objective, classical sense, but it’s super unprofessional to engage in intimate physical relations with the person running the audition.”

"Is that what you were doing" Sveta said in mock surprise, tilting her head. The more annoying the guy got, the more she was leaning towards 'intentionally f***ing with her' in her theory of trying to find reason in what was happening in the Haven foyer.

>>“Wait, you didn’t actually read the guide to auditioning, did you? Oh sister, you have so much to learn. But it’s okay. I’ll just finish my audition, and then when you choose me, I can help you audition other people. I can tell there’s a serious need for someone with my knowledge and expertise around here.”

Or maybe he was crazy.
Damn. Haven needed a new psychologist on staff.

>>“That’s right, Lizzy, I’m talking about you. Your outfit is a disgrace.”

"F*** you" Lucy shot back, leaning on her elbows.

>>“You all might want to step back for this one, Mister Ed gets a little antsy if people get too close to him... Now to show you my equestrian skills!”

"Motherf..." Sveta swore in Russian, stepping back as a horse appeared out of nowhere. The security guard jumped too, and Lucy decided it was time to take a lunch break, in the general direction of the staff lounge, hoping to either get reinforcements, or a camera.

"Whoa! Whoa!" Sveta held up a hand. She was making it up as she went along now, but crazy times required crazy measures. If you can't beat them with reason... you gotta beat them at their own game. She had been homeless in her teen years long enough to have some experience with delusions. "Are you seriously trying to de equestrian portion out here on the goddamn tiles? What is this, amateur hour? Because I can disqualify you right here and now if you feel like it. Or we can go to the actual damn arena."

Zek managed to pull himself in a semi-upright position on the horse with only a little bit of issue. He’d only done it once before, but how hard could it be? It was like riding a bike! And as he realized he was facing the wrong end of the horse, he remembered he had never learned how to ride a bike. He quickly maneuvered himself around until his butt was planted correctly in the saddle, which he’d fortunately had thought to vanish when he’d swiped the horse.

Mister Ed, kind, gentle horse that he was, put up with all of its very serenely. He was just counting down the days til he could retire to the Big Farm upstate that he’d heard so many people talk about. It sounded way better than all this.

But this isn’t Mister Ed’s story. He already had his story told.

“Well it’s about dang time!” Zek huffed as he gave an I-can’t-believe-it glare of friendliness at Funkiller. “I was starting to believe that you lot had actually forgotten you were having auditions. YOU HEAR THAT, LISA? STILL THINK YOU’RE NOT HAVING AUDITIONS?!” he bellowed after her as she began vanishing into the depths of the building.

“Well then, Miss,” Zek said in a perfectly affable tone. “By all means, lead the way to the arena.”

It was a gamble, really. Everything was a gamble when one was trying to inject logic into a delusional person's pocket universe. But this guy was not going anywhere fast, and given that he was some kind of a teleporting mutant, Sveta really wanted to get rid of him without causing too much troube.

Luckily, he played along.

>>“Well it’s about dang time! I was starting to believe that you lot had actually forgotten you were having auditions. YOU HEAR THAT, LISA? STILL THINK YOU’RE NOT HAVING AUDITIONS?!”

"F*** you, crazy person!" Lucy's voice echoed down the hallways from the distance. Sveta would have to talk to her later about communication. And probably give her a raise.

>>“Well then, Miss. By all means, lead the way to the arena.”

She did. Sveta walked down the hallway, trying to look like it was perfectly natural for a horse to be following her, and headed to the CLASS wing of the building. CLASS was the Danger Room on steroids (or rather, money), and she only needed a few moments to call up the right scenario once they reached one of the empty training rooms. By the time the doors slid open, there was a neat little arena inside, with seats for the audience, perfect for a high end dressage competition.

Sveta took a seat in the stands, crossing her legs, and conjuring up a fittingly fancy wide hat, just for effect.

"Very well then... what was your name again?... You down there, Number 231. Go ahead. Dazzle me."

Zek squeezed his knees together and Mister Ed took the hint, sedately walking along after Funkiller. He tossed a golden ball at the boombox and it vanished. That thing was a relic, he was not gonna just leave that out in the open! Not when that trashy Lacy could come back at any moment to take it. In addition to bad fashion sensibilities, she also had such a vulgar tongue. His previous boombox deserved better.

So he and the horse when clippity-cloppity down the halls and Zek did his best to take in everything. His neck was twisting every which way as he stared at pretty much every sign, door, potted plant, person, and plotted plant person they passed. He nodded and dropped “How you doin’?” and “Wazzzzzup” whenever appropriate. Act like the role you’re going for. That was number seven on the list of auditioning tips Zek had made up. Zek was acting like someone who already went there.

So he was pretty impressed, actually. They had an indoor equestrian ring. Schmancy. It just proved what he’d been saying all along about the auditions, but at least not he was dealing with someone competent. Unlike that Lulu. He was so gonna write some limericks about her on the underside of the break room tables!

But that would be for another day. He had to ace this audition. Which was pretty much already in the bag.

Mister Ed trotted down to the arena and followed Zek’s nudges until they were facing Funkiller. Who now had a very impressive hat. Zek nodded. Good. It was about time he was being taken seriously.

“My name is Zek. Now hold on to your socks,!” he proclaimed. “Ready, pal?” he asked Mister Ed. The horse just snuffed and kept chewing his hay.

“It’s go time.”

Zek took a deep breathe. And then: “Adams, Aaron. Adams, Angelica. Adams, Austin. Adams, Avery. Adams…” Zek began reciting the 1987 Poca Country phone book.

Sveta took a comfortable seat, trying to be ready for literally anything the guy might be throwing her way. Being in the CLASS room allowed her to control their environment, which was an advantage when dealing with a mutant whose powers were unknown.

>>“My name is Zek. Now hold on to your socks! Ready, pal? It’s go time.”

Sveta waved a hand. Let's get this over with. As... Zek got ready for equine action, she called up a CLASS console and set the room up to monitor mutant power activity. Might as well gather some data if she had the chance.

>>“Adams, Aaron. Adams, Angelica. Adams, Austin. Adams, Avery. Adams…”

Sveta blinked.
The names went on and on.

After the first minute or so, she called up the console again, running a search to see if the computer could tell just what the literal f*** the guy was reciting. The search told her that he was... reciting a phone book?...

Sveta called up to the front desk.

"Lucy dearest, please bring be a Bloody Mary. Thank you."

Whatever the CLASS room could conjure up, food and drinks were not yet within the realm of possibility. And this was going to be one long recital. Sveta did her best to mimic keen attention, occasionally pretending to take note.

Now it was a waiting game. She could do that.