She'd woken up that morning in a hurry. Slept through an alarm and thus had to scramble to get ready for work. She was running late enough that for once she needed to actually depend on her car vs using public transportation to get there. 

On the way out the door she dumped a pile of kibble into the bowls for both her cats, shouted a goodbye, and then she was off. 

She never noticed that Clyde hadn't yet moved from his spot by the window, curled up in a fluffy ball. It would have struck her as unusual that he hadn't gotten up for a late breakfast. 

Many hours later she arrived back home tired, disheveled, and hungry. In her hurry she'd forgotten her wallet and thus had been forced to survive on a few of the measly snacks up for grabs in the break room. Juniper slumped in through her front door and dropped her jacket on the floor. Berry immediately came bounding out of her room at 90 miles an hour. 

She didn't notice at first that Clyde was still curled up in that same position. He hadn't budged an inch.

Off to the shower she went. A quick scrub under scalding hot water was sure to wake her up! 

She shuffled back out with wet hair, in a damp t-shirt and shorts, and headed for her kitchen for a very late lunch. It was almost 3pm by that point. "Berry! Clyde! Want a snack?" 

While her frozen meal was cooking in the microwave, she dug the little baggy of treats out of one high cupboard and started shaking the bag. Berry zipped over to her with a high pitched, excited meow. "Berry berry, fananafanna fo ferry, beeerrryy." She fished a treat out for him and used it to persuade him to retract his tiny razor claws from her leg.

Now, where was Clyde? Normally he'd be right there with Berry, swirling around her legs while pitching his gravelly meow at her. "Clyde?"

She glanced uo from where Berry was, eyes tracing a path across the floor for all the usual spots he liked to linger. Had he gotten out again? Was he traipsing around the neighborhood on his own, or over at X's stealing chips again?

Her eyes found him in his bed, sunlight cast in an angle down on him. "Clyde, you lazy old man. C'mon, get up! These are your favorites, see?" She padded over in bare feet, shaking the bag with more vigor than before.

He still hadn't moved.

"Clyde? Wakey wakey you lazy old-"

Her hand touched him and he was cold. 

The bag of treats dropped to the floor as her legs collapsed under her.

Hours passed and she wasn't sure what time it was. At some point, she had tried to call Blue, but couldn't get in contact with him. That... was probably for the best, anyway. She didn't think he'd want to be around while she was all leaky anyway. Her eyes just wouldn't stop running for some reason.

She'd pulled herself up after a few hours of sitting with Clyde in her lap. He'd started to warm up a little again due to her own body heat, but the stiffness was hard to ignore. In a daze she crossed through her shared wall with Xavier, hoping to spot him and ask him what she was supposed to do. What... what was she to do? I

It wasn't until she was standing in his living room, Milli curling around her ankles with soft purrs, that she remembered that he was out with his girlfriend. He'd be gone all weekend.

Alone in the silent apartment with the oldest friend in her arms, she stood there and cried. Eventually, she dug her phone back out and tried to call him, but it went straight to voice mail. She tried at least a dozen times before she gave up.

It was just her. Just her and Clyde in her arm. Just like old times.

Crossing back over to her apartment she settled back down on the floor by his bed, tucked him in it, and reached for her guitar. She'd serenade him with all of the songs he seemed to like while she struggled to form her own plan.

"...Don't look so sad... I know it's... it's over." Was it funny that even though she couldn't get her eyes to stop watering, her fingers seemed to work just fine across the strings?

"...But life goes on, and this old world will-" She hiccuped, tilting her head up to breath deeply and try to blink the tears away. "-it will keep on turning..."

She chugged along slowly and softly through the song, stumbling over lines occasionally. Berry sat just off to the side of her splayed feet, confused and worried about her off behavior.

She knew she needed a plan. She couldn't keep him in his bed forever. It was already almost approaching midnight.

"I'll get along... you'll find another and I-I'll be here..." She had no clue where to try and bury him in the city, though. He wasn't a city cat. Never had been. She'd found him scrawny and injured out in the wild just outside of her home state.

That had been nearly four years ago.

"Don't say a word about tomorrow, or forever. There'll be time enough for sadness when you leave me..."

No, it wouldn't do to put Clyde to rest within the concrete confines of the city. He wanted to be out in the trees he couldn't climb in life. Chasing birds that he had only dreamed about catching through their windows.

The notes of the song, not even finished, died off suddenly and she dropped her guitar off to the side. Stumbling to her feet, she headed for her room to gather up a few supplies.

New York was a large state and had a lot of wilderness. She'd drive out and find the perfect place to lay him to rest.

It didn't take long to get ready. She cannibalized a decorative box in her room to make something to put Clyde in. A photobook full of various pictures and other trinkets she held dear ended up scattered across her bed. Clyde and his favorite bed were tucked away inside. She covered him up with a section of her favorite blanket and put his favorite little mouse toy inside with him.

She needed to get Milli inside her apartment, which both kittens loved. She left out a heaping plate of food for them and a large bowl of water. A note for Blue for whenever he cam back home, and a text for Xavier for whenever he got service. She... she didn't know how to word it, so she just left it a vague as possible without being dramatic.

'Something came up. I'll be gone for a few days. My roommate is watching over Milli until you return.'

The note she left for Blue was no more detailed, but contained a please and thank you for the extra work he would have to do.

Once those two were taken care of, she grabbed a jacket and her keys, hefted the box up, and headed out. She wasn't sure what kind of journey she was about to go on, but she didn't care.

She set her GPS for some random point out in the wilderness north of the city, filled her tank, and got to driving. The first handful of hours she drove in silence. It felt like anything on the radio would just set her off on a flood of tears again, so she dove headlong back into that lonely, empty place she was used to where feelings didn't hurt as much and she could just move on autopilot.

"Remember that time we went to the Jersey boardwalk and I'd gotten you that leash that didn't fit very well? And you wiggled out of it somehow and I had to chase you down the whole ass boardwalk through people, only to find you squatted in a potted plant taking a dump? Man, that was... memorable. I still have that selfie from when we posed in front of the Ferris wheel."

Almost a year ago, just a few months shy, she had arrived in the city with Clyde strapped into the seat beside her. In the very same bed he was currently in, tucked into the very same blanket to fend off the cold January air. When she'd spoken to him then, he'd always regard her through slanted eyes and meow loudly back at her if she was super persistent in talking.

The silence now, with just the two of them rolling down I-87 in the early hours of the morning... it was deafening.

It was just about as uncomfortable as it had been when she had left home all those years ago with just the clothes on her back and nobody to talk to. Stressed and panicked and alone.

"Remember when you are that whole ball of yarn and I had to rush you to the vet so that they could get it out? Man, that was scary. Really thought I was gonna lose you back then because the drugs were so hard on your body. Trying to nurse you back to health in this stupid old car was so hard, too... I wish I had just worked harder to get us a place back then."

It started to rain lightly and as she turned her windshield wipers on they squeaked annoyingly.

"Stupid car's probably gonna die on me next, huh? I wouldn't have anything left from back then, right? Just a dinky old phone."

It was a five-hour drive from point A to point B on her map. She made it two hours before the silence grated on her and she had to turn on some music. The songs, low and soft, filled in the spots where her thoughts wanted to linger nicely.

"You know, you're the only friend I've ever had who never wanted anything from me in return. You just loved me for me, for some reason. I don't think I'll ever understand...."

She laughed lowly and noticed that her hands on the steering wheel were gripping it so hard her knuckles were white. But... she couldn't get herself to relax even a smidge.

"I really should have tried to find you a better home. Someone else could have taken better care of you, ya know? Better food, nicer things..." How many more years would he have lived with someone else?

Hot tears filled her eyes and she finally lost her grip on the wheel with one hand to furiously clear them from her eyes with a sleeve.

"Why can't I stop killing all my friends, huh? Why does everybody gotta die on me?"

The haunting, heavy question of Why? hungover her head. Settled over her shoulders like a sorrow-filled shawl.

If she had just been paying more attention that morning would he still be alive? Did he die because of her neglect?

"...@#%$."

6 AM the next morning found her at her destination. Some random spot in the forest just around the border of East Lake, a few miles away from actual water. She parked her car off to the side of the highway, grabbed her bag and Clyde's box, and wandered off into the woods. The tall trees surrounding her blocked out most of the early morning light. The night creatures were just settling down to sleep and the day creatures were just waking. She'd forgotten how much she really loved being out in the forest around this time of day.

"Do you like this place, Clyde? It's pretty nice I'd say. Lots of trees to scratch and birds to chase."
She headed deeper in keeping track of where she was going somewhere in the back of her mind. She didn't really care that she was leaving her car behind, or that it might not still be there when she came back. Not yet, at least. That was something Future Juniper could worry about when it came time, assuming she didn't just decide to stay with Clyde. Like, forever. Would that be so bad? This place probably had plenty of poison mushrooms or berries, and heck if she ate enough of them she might not even feel the agonizing pain in her innards as she succumbed to her own dumb choices.

She walked for an hour in a straight line, occasionally stopping to readjust her grip on the box. She'd started hefting it at its full weight at some point, not liking the idea of accidentally dropping Clyde out of it on accident while she was distracted with her own thoughts. As such, she had already developed from pretty gnarly looking blisters in the crooks of her fingers and on her palms.

"Man, I knew I should have put you on a more strict diet buddy. You're so heavy!" She smiled down at the box, but it hurt. He didn't respond. She could hear an echo of his purr in her mind. "Maybe I should have asked Xavier what he was doing for Milli. Maybe you would have had a few more years..."

Eventually, just as her feet started to hurt and her hands started to bleed, she found a spot she liked. A small clearing surrounded by large trees and infested with a large overgrown blackberry bush. She liked the layout of the trees when looking up through the branches, though, so she wasn't going to let the monster bush with thorns dissuade her.

"Alright, Clyde, time to make camp."

Setting his box off to one side, the image of him alive and well and in his carrier sprang to mind. She'd done this before years ago when they had been on the road. Rather than staying in her cramped car, she'd gone off into the woods with him and they'd set camp and stay through the night. The thought made her smile, even though it was bittersweet. This almost felt normal.

"You stay there. I'll be right back."

She worked for many more hours cutting and dismantling the thick vines of the blackberry bush. Dragging lengths of it away to form a thorny circle around her chosen campsite. She felt the bite of thorns many times during the process, but didn't mind... it helped to feel something, anything other than the cold loneliness that had settled in her chest.

What was the point of having friends if no one was available when she called? Were they even really friends? What was friendship anyway? Nothing ever felt so pure as what she had had between her and Clyde. Berry was young.... he could imprint on anyone. Blue and she had formed a bond through mutual need until she'd dragged him into her personal problems.

Oh... Maybe that was why he wasn't around. Maybe it was annoying to be pushing the stuff on her plate onto his all the time.

Xavier was probably the same, honestly. She'd definitely wondered if things between them had become more strained the more he found out about her, and she had definitely taken a huge step back from him when he had started dating Satan herself. Maybe that was why he hadn't answered? Maybe she was just a glorified cat sitter now.

Juniper forced herself to keep working until the whole bush was reduced to roots, and they were surrounded in a small circular wall of thorns. Her hands were stained from berries and bleeding and her legs hadn't been immune to punctures and scratches.

She sat next to her coat, which she had filled with ripe berries, and ate until her stomach stopped hurting.

"I still wanted to take you to so many places, you know?" She glanced over at the box by her side and then looked away again before her eyes could start to water. "We haven't even gotten over to any of the western states, yet."

There was a book at home sitting on her bed with all of the places they had already been, and a list of places they still needed to go. Thinking about how it was never going to get finished now made her guts twist uncomfortably.

"... Guess I better get digging."

It didn't take as long as one would think to dig a hole big enough to bury Clyde's box in with enough room to fully cover it later. She labored for an hour to dig a big enough square and then spent a bit up time getting his box lowered in just right. She didn't want him tilted awkwardly or anything.

Burying him back up was easier physically, but mentally too a much greater toll on her. Fist full by fist full she forced herself to cover the lid of the box with dirt. Each small clump felt like more and more weight added onto her shoulders. She started weeping again long before she was done, and by the time the last clump of dirt was pressed into the ground she was a sobbing, hysterical mess.

There were no words for the grief she was feeling. No shelter from the pain. It was as bad as when she had lost Mason in regards to the soul-wrenching feeling of everything being wrong and there being no way to fix it.

She laid there on top of the newly made gravesite, eyes fixed on the boring blue sky above. Her phone was dragged out from one pocket of her filthy jeans and she took a moment to map the spot on her map, so that she could visit later... if she wished.

... if she ever left.

She had no new messages. No calls. She hadn't been scheduled to work for a few days and she could worry about what her boss would say later.

She turned her phone off to save battery and tucked it back away, once again alone with herself, her thoughts, Clyde, and the trees.

--

She spent the rest of the day and night there on the ground, too tired and stubborn to budge save for covering herself up with her dirty jacket.

The next morning came without much excitement. Nothing came to bother her or check out the weird human in their world. Maybe the creatures of the forest understood grief better than some people.

At daybreak, she rose and got prepared to set herself up a better camp. She wasn't prepared to leave Clyde yet and she didn't think she'd actually survive another night sleeping on the cold, hard ground.

Food and water were the first priorities. She had a little stockpile of berries still from brining down the berry bush, so that was covered. All that left was water, and that was easy enough to figure out since she had an empty bottle in her bag. Her knife made easy work of inverting the lid. All she needed to do was leave it out to gather dew or rain and she'd be set for a little while. It helped that the berries were packed with moisture.

Someplace to sleep was next, and the easy easily enough take care of by climbing up into the trees and snapping off enough branches with her body weight to make a ramshackle lean-to. She set it up by one of the tree trunks and used some thorny vines to keep it all together. prickly and leafy branches piled together on the inside made up her bed.

It wasn't a great little camp, but it would do. She was fine with it. Around 5pm she sat back down beside Clyde's mound, a little rock encircled fire going by her feet, and regaled him with more of her favorite memories of his time with her.

Five days.

She'd spent five days alone in the woods with her phone turned off.

Five days of her and Clyde in their last moments together, before she headed back for the city.

"I'm gonna miss you, ya know."

She was busy stringing her shoelaces together to try and patch up a hole in her pants from where a bear had slashed at her with its claws. The damn thing had sniffed Clyde out in the middle of the night and tried to dig him up. Frightening it off hadn't been hard when it realized it couldn't actually hit her and she landed a few jabs with her knife on it. It had turned tail and run, but not before taking some revenge on her clothes and running off with her berry-stained jacket.

"I'm gonna miss the way you purr. Like... like you've got rocks in your lungs."

The shoestrings weren't a great patch and she really sucked at sewing, but at least her whole thigh wasn't showing now.

"I miss the way you used to paw at me when you were tired, and then get tired while pawing and have to lay down wherever you were to rest..."

She choked a little, blinked a lot, and took a moment.

"I... I'm gonna miss how you would sleep next to my head when I was sick. Do you know you're the only one who's ever done that? I mean, not sleep next to my head. I meant, like, try to take care of me in that way. I-"

Her pants were done, so she wiggled them back on. They were barely hanging by a thread at the hip.

"M-mom wasn't that kinda person. Dad wasn't either. When I was sick when I was little they just kinda hovered off at the sides. Like, there if I was really bad, but... not there the rest of the time."

Her bottom lip trembled and her vision blurred again, and she bit down on it to try and regain some composure. "You were so warm all the time. I really appreciated it when it was cold out and we cuddled, you know? Like, you were... you were always there."

She'd found and picked a bunch of wildflowers around the area, and fashioned a little cross out of two sticks. Clyde's collar was hung around the cross with his name tag facing forward. His grave was as pretty as she could make it.

"I miss your head boops... and always finding your hair everywhere. I miss..." She choked again and buried her face in her hands. "... I miss you. I miss you so much..."

Just... one more night. One more night together, and then she'd go home.

Seven days passed in a disjointed blur. She was filthy from head to toe, covered in bruises and wounds from her journey, and on her way home. She wondered if it would feel empty when she got back.

Clyde's grave was growing ever distant behind her as she walked on, headed back in the direction of her car. She felt just as cold on the inside leaving as she had when she'd first gotten there.

An hour's worth of walking later she was at her car again. It was still there and still whole, although someone had come by at some point and written a few numbers on the back windshield in an orange grease pen. If she had taken any longer it might have been towed before she had gotten back to it.

A week of sitting out in the weather without being started gave her a bit of trouble, but she eventually got it running.

Once she was locked within the safety of her car she plugged her phone in and turned it back on for the first time in a week.

Missed calls from Cora popped up first, as well as a few texts. She'd need to deal with that soon-ish.

A few texts and a call from April, no doubt wondering where she had vanished too and why she hadn't been responding to their usual game of smutty gif wars.

There seemed to be a reply call from Blue, if she was recognizing the number correctly... but she could have been wrong. The guy had a new phone like every week so it was hard to keep track of when he was contacting her.

There were seven missed calls from Xavier, and random occasional texts peppered through the slew of everything else. It was just like him to be worried about school, seeing as there were more than a few texts about that specifically.

That was so like him.

She sat for a bit longer after she put some music in, wondering if she had enough gas to make it home, or... if she ever wanted to really go back. She could just skip over to another state, right? Leave all the bad memories behind and try to start fresh?

Oh, wait, no... she couldn't. Not yet at least. She still had a few things at the apartment she wanted to collect and if she ran into anyone on the way in the will to leave would be greatly diminished.

Slowly, she turned her car around on the 2 lane highway and got back on the road.

It was a three-hour drive back home, with a side stop for gas and the first real food she had eaten in a week (which she promptly threw up into a bush). The familiar packed roads offered no comfort, nor did the parking garage under her apartment complex, or the familiar broken elevator.

She was not at all happy to find two more letters from her parents in her mailbox, one presumably sent right after the other. Of course they would try and contact her now. They got all their kicks from causing her perpetual suffering, right?

She headed up the stairs with the two letters crushed in one fist and took her time since she was basically running on empty. She needed a shower, some more food, and maybe enough booze to mute the pain to sleep.

The sight of her empty apartment was also not welcome. Berry was gone, though... she imagined he was either with Blue, or across the wall in Xavier's place. She tried not to look at anything as she entered, standing in the living room silently. Everywhere she looked reminded her of Clyde, including the torn open foil packet of treats that Berry surely devoured. \

They had been Clyde's favorite.